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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

286 replies

louisargg · 30/08/2021 13:46

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/08/2021 13:54

YANBU.

If your grippy husband keeps his hand on his wodge and won’t contribute (or even offer) for his own meal then I daresay he will no longer be invited out.

What you did was lovely.

His reaction was that of a selfish stingy git.

ellyeth · 30/08/2021 14:04

£300 is a lot of money for one person to cover - especially when it was his birthday! My husband would have insisted on us paying at least a proportion of the bill and I think your husband should have done the same. I agree with what you did and think your husband is being very unreasonable.

ellyeth · 30/08/2021 14:05

....... and controlling - why should you not do what you feel is right?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 14:07

BIL insisted on paying. He obviously wanted to treat everyone - his choice. But you decided that your DH should undermine BIL on his birthday by overruling him re: paying on his birthday. YABU about that.

What was the reason for giving SIL £20 for each for the kids? Do they have a birthday coming up? Tbh, it's a bit weird. If I wanted to treat my nephews and nieces I'd either give them a nice gift or treat them to a cake/ice cream while we're out. Not shove cash at their parents.

Do you normally feel that you have to throw cash at people in order to be liked? Giving money when it's socially inappropriate to do so isn't being 'nice', it can actually be very manipulative and weird, and it's not clear at all from your post as to what category this falls into.

Florasteddy · 30/08/2021 14:09

Ooh this one is going to be fun to sit and watch Smile
So many possible opinions....
I rather like your compromise of giving SIL some money for the children.
Not very impressed with your husband's response to that though.

Is there a bit of power play between the men in your family?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 14:10

I genuinely believe that if an adult insists they want to pay for something, you should offer to split the bill etc, but you don't embarrass them by making it into a big issue and force them to accept cash.

I would however make sure I paid next time though.

MattyGroves · 30/08/2021 14:12

I let my DH handle his family stuff and vice versa.

I also think if someone wants to treat, you accept graciously and find a way to reciprocate. Slipping them a bit of cash, bit odd!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/08/2021 14:14

Well, what you did was to step in and make all sorts of suggestions:

Your ILs are stingy
Your DH is stingy
Your BIL can't afford to pay

And you made SIL your accomplice by giving her cash with some daft subterfuge.

You have, basically, stomped all over your DHs family dynamic and now want others to help you justify it.

It REALLY doesn't matter what the truth behind anyone's financial stability is, you chose to impose yourself into the middle of it.

Do that in your own family and I wouldn't have an opinion. But to your DH and his family? Seems overbearing and just a little bit deaf to their preferences.

Basically you made all sorts of judgements and none of them were at all flattering.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 14:15

@MattyGroves

I let my DH handle his family stuff and vice versa.

I also think if someone wants to treat, you accept graciously and find a way to reciprocate. Slipping them a bit of cash, bit odd!

100%
snowgecko · 30/08/2021 14:15

YABU. BIL wants to treat you all for his birthday. While you might offer to pay, surely the polite thing to do is then accept gratefully?

ditalini · 30/08/2021 14:17

Maybe, no hear me out, just maybe.....

...... your dh knows his own brother better than you.

pasturesgreen · 30/08/2021 14:19

I don't understand the logic behind giving your nephews £20 each.

Your BIL insisted to pay, I can see his reasoning as presumably he wanted to treat everyone on his birthday, fair enough.

Your PIL had already offered to pay, so when your BIL went ahead and paid anyway, it was time to leave it and graciously accept his generosity.

Your DH was out of order to go mental, though.

ThePlantsitter · 30/08/2021 14:19

Yeah I wouldn't interfere in a family culture thing. However long you've known your H he's going to understand how they do things better than you.

fuzzymoomin · 30/08/2021 14:21

YABU, and rude. BIL insisted on treating you all for his birthday, you should have been gracious and accepted, and then treated them at a later date instead of slipping a backhand few notes to his wife.
I treated a few close friends to an expensive meal on my birthday. I made it clear I wanted to treat and thanked but refused offers of cash. One friend then paid money direct into my bank account and I was really offended that my treat had been thrown back.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 14:21

Your DH was out of order to go mental, though.

I'd be pissed off if my DH said we should undermine my sister who just wanted to treat the family on her birthday, and then when I put my foot down about it, tried to play Billy Big Balls by shoving cash at my sister's DH behind my back.

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 30/08/2021 14:25

YABU. You deliberately did something behind your spouse’s back, purely because you thought you knew better in circumstances where you don’t. I’d be furious if my DH did that to me.

Mrgrinch · 30/08/2021 14:31

Why are people so angry that she treated get nephews to £20 each? That was a nice thing to do.

Florasteddy · 30/08/2021 14:31

@Mrgrinch

Why are people so angry that she treated get nephews to £20 each? That was a nice thing to do.
Yes I thought it was sweet.
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 30/08/2021 14:32

in my family...

  • Paying the total £300 bill on your birthday would be totally normal if you invited people out.
  • despite this the ritual of arguing over the bill would be a standard of the night (every bugger always wants to pay)
  • the "loser" generally bungs the kids a few quid or pays for a round after dinner cocktails.

Contrastingly... when with the in laws

  • we sit at an empty table for 20-40mins until i cant take the insanity any more and ask for the bill
  • Everyone sits round expectantly waiting for my DH to pay (even though all our banking is joint 😑 )
  • people say things like " what a nice meal" but no one utters the words "thank you" 😑😑
  • an elaborate conversation begins about "how we will get home" (because they dont believe in paying for taxis, but do believe in us paying for them 😑😑😑 )
  • we pay for the taxis too, no one says thank you 😑😑😑😑

In a nutshell: however frustraing..
My rule is he handles his side, i handle mine

purplecorkheart · 30/08/2021 14:33

Normally when we go out in a group like that we split the bill. However I do have one family member who often insists on paying for everyone and gets hurt if you force the issue.
I tend to bring a extra nice bottle of wine if visiting them and a voucher for something like a cookery class or something like that for their birthday.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 14:33

Giving money to someone is not always a nice thing to do.

In this situation, the unspoken judgement accompanying the cash ("I don't think you can afford this meal.... Your DH shouldn't have paid for it... I dont want to accept your generosity....") completes obliterates any nice sentiment that could possibly have been there in a different scenario.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 14:35

- the "loser" generally bungs the kids a few quid or pays for a round after dinner cocktails.

Yes, this is often a polite way of dealing with it. World's away from shoving £20 notes into someone's hands behind the scenes.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 14:36

The after dinner cocktails I mean.

Hesma · 30/08/2021 14:37

YABU rude to your BIL and DH but I guess you know that which is why you’ve disabled voting

Cherrysoup · 30/08/2021 14:38

You’ve undermined your dh and spoilt the treat your bil was trying to give you. Shame.