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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

286 replies

louisargg · 30/08/2021 13:46

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

OP posts:
Miliao · 30/08/2021 14:38

I think this is really odd. If it was my birthday and was treating people to a meal, I’d be mortified if someone tried to slip my partner cash for my children, especially if they’re not my family. Why are you giving his children cash when it’s not their birthday? It’s really strange, especially when your husband, who will know his brother better than you, said not to. If my husband did that I’d be really angry that he went behind my back, it would prove he didn’t listen to me or care about my family.

Mrgrinch · 30/08/2021 14:38

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Giving money to someone is not always a nice thing to do.

In this situation, the unspoken judgement accompanying the cash ("I don't think you can afford this meal.... Your DH shouldn't have paid for it... I dont want to accept your generosity....") completes obliterates any nice sentiment that could possibly have been there in a different scenario.

But you've just made that up. Where did anybody say anything about him not being able to afford it?
cervixuser · 30/08/2021 14:40

I think you were rude - your BIL wanted to pay and you made it all about you

LimeRedBanana · 30/08/2021 14:42

You gave got SIL £20 for each kid?

That is just odd. What’s that got to do with the price of the dinner?

Yesitsbess · 30/08/2021 14:44

Are they Spanish? Not sure if it applies to the whole country but in my village its the person whose birthday it is who treats everyone and to insist on paying half implies you think they can't afford it.

Otherwise...no ideas.

Shodan · 30/08/2021 14:45

Very rude, imo, OP.

Your BIL wanted to treat you and your husband to a nice meal out. It was a gift, and you don't pay for gifts given to you. It sounds like you made an ostentatious fuss, and made your DH (and potentially his brother, who was being kind enough to pay for you) uncomfortable.

The way to repay your BIL is by treating him to dinner one day, or by buying the drinks if you have some afterwards, or treating him to some other thing that he likes.

And giving the kids cash was just weird, unless you always dish out cash when you see them.

phishy · 30/08/2021 14:53

He was wrong for going to mental at you.

On the money situation, what usually happens on birthdays, does the birthday person pay for everyone? If yes, I would have left them to it.

Or is your husband the type who lets others pay for him all the time?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 14:54

But you've just made that up. Where did anybody say anything about him not being able to afford it?

This may come as a shock to you, but politeness/manners/etiquette often revolve around what is NOT said, rather than the words that are explicitly said. That's how social conventions work.

BoredZelda · 30/08/2021 14:55

But you've just made that up. Where did anybody say anything about him not being able to afford it?

What else could be behind it, given the BIL was happy to treat everyone? Why else would you insist on forcing cash on someone in that situation. It is just rude and ungrateful.

I can understand OP’s husband being annoyed about it. It is his family, if he says leave it, she should leave it.

TeloMere · 30/08/2021 14:57

YABU. Some people get a lot of pleasure spending money on people they love.
Your brother in law wanted to treat everyone and you undermined him. And made a fool of yourself.

Shoxfordian · 30/08/2021 14:58

Yabu op
If he wanted to treat you then you should have said thank you and been gracious about it

illuyankas · 30/08/2021 14:59

I would have left my dh to handle his family. What's weird is £40. Where did that amount came from? If the bill was £300 for 6 people, it doesn't even cover your bill.

RamblingJenny · 30/08/2021 15:03

YANBU you were just trying to be polite and giving it on to the kids is very sweet. Literally all my family or parents of friends have done this at some point. I have shoved notes into others pockets sometimes or they’ve popped it into my bag without me noticing. Absolutely no harm in it and it’s just people being sweet and contributing a little bit. Not sure why people are calling you odd for passing it into kids!!!!

pilates · 30/08/2021 15:04

I would offer but if it was declined I would not make a big deal of it.

2et2font5 · 30/08/2021 15:10

You should not have done this. Your BIL clearly wanted to pay. What's really weird is you giving money to your SIL. Why did you do this? I can kind of see giving the kids a bit of pocket money but you massively overstepped here unless there is some back story.

DrManhattan · 30/08/2021 15:10

I wouldn't have got involved

grapewine · 30/08/2021 15:11

You have, basically, stomped all over your DHs family dynamic and now want others to help you justify it.

Yep, agree. YABU, OP.

2et2font5 · 30/08/2021 15:11

Unless the kids weren't there?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/08/2021 15:18

The way I’m reading it is that the brother didn’t want his folks to pay (£300 is a bit of a wallop to a wallet) which is maybe why he insisted.

The birthday people in our brood don’t pay for their birthday dinner as a rule.

Slipping some pennies for the kids is something we usually do at gatherings. As others have said, the £40 does not tie in with the bill at all so therefore it seems separate to me.

I still thinK DH is a bit stingy for not offering anything unless it is usually a turn about sort of thing.

MMMarmite · 30/08/2021 15:18

I wouldn't get involved with how my partner's family handle money. Every family has their own traditions and unwritten rules. Unless it's clearly outrageous (like taking advantage of someone vulnerable), it's best not it interfere.

Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 15:19

YABU. I remember years ago my parents went out for a meal for my DF’s birthday, with some other friends. My parents had always planned on paying for everyone, But when the bill came and DF tried to pay, one of his friends started making a big thing about paying half. I think my DPs felt undermined, and I remember my DM in particular was really cross. I think you should have let your DH deal with his family dynamics and kept out of it.

ScreamingBeans · 30/08/2021 15:19

Yes YABU.

FFS take people at their word.

If they say no, accept no. If they say yes, assume yes.

I cannot stand all this manoeuvering about something that should be simple and straightforward. It's bloody awful.

If you want to give your niece/ nephew some money, give it, but because you want to give it, not because of something unconnected which needs to be deciphered by the fucking oracle at Delphi.

I can't stand this sort of behaviour, it creates a dynamic where people are on edge. It's beyond naff.

Maskedrevenger · 30/08/2021 15:20

Older generation, massive generalisation, in my family. Person who invites people out for an occasion they pay, everyone else offers to share cost but graciously accepts the hospitality when the host insists, host would have been mortally offended if someone had made a fuss and tried to insist. General meal out the older men virtually fight over who has the privilege of paying for the group. My DH was a bit nonplussed as this was not how it happened in his family, he felt compelled to waylay the waiter in order to take his turn to pay for a group meal occasionally. His family likes to calculate shares to the penny, I found that approach odd. Neither family had the right or wrong approach it’s just that different families do these things differently you do your family dynamic let your DH do his ( even if it is joint money)

PlanetTeaTime · 30/08/2021 15:21

Do you two not have a lot of money but BIL does?

Maskedrevenger · 30/08/2021 15:22

Treating kids is fine at any other time but not as a tool to make a point.