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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

286 replies

louisargg · 30/08/2021 13:46

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 16:07

@LookItsMeAgain

Your DH said that it was paid for and to leave it but how was it paid for? Who paid for it?
Birthday boy.
Lweji · 30/08/2021 16:08

YABVVVU

By all means take a present, but giving money behind his back, and to the kids... why?

If the brother invited everyone, refused money from parents and paid the whole bill, it's not your place to intervene at all.

I'd be Hmm if I was your SIL.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/08/2021 16:10

OP was the brother in law the host or was it a family get together?

PuppyMonkey · 30/08/2021 16:11

I think the BIL did a perfectly normal thing, paying for a meal for his family on his birthday. My own brother did the same thing on his 50th. It's like when some people throw a big party on a landmark birthday, I don't think they'd expect guests to chip in.

Your DH sounds a bit odd saying you were "going behind his back" in giving some cash to the kids. But, yep, it's a bit cringe you doing that really.

Did you get the BIL a nice gift or something?

LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2021 16:15

@SofiaMichelle & @Blossomtoes - sorry. I misread that as the BIL paid but then asked the OP's DH to contribute not that the OP herself asked her husband to contribute.
I'll get my coat Grin

caughtinanet · 30/08/2021 16:19

I think your behaviour was plain weird. Why can't you let the BIL pay for what he wants to pay for? If I was the SIL I'd be giving you your £40 right back, I have honestly never come across people giving children money when it's not their birthday/Christmas. Is it a class/regional/cultural thing. I can't think of any situation in which I would be doing that.

SofiaMichelle · 30/08/2021 16:21

@LookItsMeAgain Grin

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 16:29

If BIL had invited you to a venue he'd booked, or to his home for a party, and there was a spread laid on with lots of food and drink, you wouldn't have been pressing money into his hand so you could "pay your way", would you? *

You would take along a nice gift for the host, and leave it at that.

This is exactly the same, just that in a restaurant you know what it cost the person as the bill comes while the guests are there, unlike other types of party. I'm sure all the attendees got BIL a birthday gift, so the gift for the host is covered.

BIL wanted to do something nice and host a family meal - the OP behaved like a dick because she doesn't understand that sometimes people enjoy being generous, and it's rude to be ungracious.

Treating the kids to some money or a gift would be fine normally, but not when it's used as a cover for shoving cash at their parents.

(* I sincerely hope no one would, even the posters who proudly declare that they "pay their way". Because that would display some serious lack of social skills!)

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 16:31

[quote LookItsMeAgain]**@SofiaMichelle* & @Blossomtoes* - sorry. I misread that as the BIL paid but then asked the OP's DH to contribute not that the OP herself asked her husband to contribute.
I'll get my coat Grin[/quote]
Easy done 😉

HeddaGarbled · 30/08/2021 16:32

Sometimes this men-insisting-on-paying thing is a pissing contest. Maybe your H has decided not to play.

Original poster
louisargg · 30/08/2021 16:44

My brother in law wasn't the host.
It was my mother in law that organised it.
It didn't feel right going out for his birthday and him paying for 6 people.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 30/08/2021 16:46

YANBU what he was doing was embarrassing.

Hmm How was it embarrassing?

OP going behind your husbands back and giving money to the kids was very passive aggressive. You obviously thought you knew best. No doubt your behaviour would have tarnished the end of the meal.

In future when people are telling you something listen to them.

m0therofdragons · 30/08/2021 16:46

That would be really odd in my family. My big birthday next year will be us (dh and I) paying for a meal for 20 family members. That’s what we do in our family - use the opportunity to get together outside of weddings, christenings and funerals but it’s like a birthday party meal where the hosts pay. Dh’s family would never do that but I’d be really annoyed with him if he behaved like you did at my family event because all the family would find it bizarre (verging on insulting as you’re suggesting they can’t afford it) and it would highlight dh and my poor relationship that we didn’t communicate, so I’d feel embarrassed. You need to respect your dh’s family ways, even though you were trying to be nice.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 16:46

It didn't feel right going out for his birthday and him paying for 6 people.

Your BIL obviously didn't want his parents to pay, and wanted to treat people regardless of who organised it. But you felt you knew better.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 16:47

@louisargg

My brother in law wasn't the host. It was my mother in law that organised it. It didn't feel right going out for his birthday and him paying for 6 people.
You really didn’t read the room. It doesn’t matter if it didn’t feel right to you. You showed yourself and your husband up.
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 16:49

My dad is hard up, but he makes a point of treating people to things (within his means) every now and then. It's important to him, and makes him feel good, so we don't overrule him on those occasions. Not accepting his money would be rude and insulting.

InFiveMins · 30/08/2021 16:50

Your husband was in the wrong. He absolutely should have contributed something - £150 seems a fair amount. The fact he sat and let his brother or parents settle the entire bill without chipping in is exceptionally bad form.

titchy · 30/08/2021 16:52

@louisargg

My brother in law wasn't the host. It was my mother in law that organised it. It didn't feel right going out for his birthday and him paying for 6 people.
It did feel right for him though. What you've effectively done is say your feelings on the matter are more important than his.
grapewine · 30/08/2021 16:53

Why is how you feel more important than the fact that BIL wanted to treat his family? Learn to read a room.

Original poster
louisargg · 30/08/2021 16:54

So my feelings don't matter?
It didn't feel right
He didn't want to accept money for the meal so I gave his 2 kids £20 each
We don't see each other often so I don't see any issue
They were happy and grateful
His brother and wife were happy
It's just my husband who wasn't
And yes he is tight for those asking

OP posts:
titchy · 30/08/2021 16:58

@louisargg

So my feelings don't matter? It didn't feel right He didn't want to accept money for the meal so I gave his 2 kids £20 each We don't see each other often so I don't see any issue They were happy and grateful His brother and wife were happy It's just my husband who wasn't And yes he is tight for those asking
Well no they don't matter if it's not your occasion. HmmGenerally the host or celebratee's feelings should be prioritised.
seaandsandcastles · 30/08/2021 16:58

It’s his family, OP. You should have left well alone.

BIL didn’t want anyone to contribute to the meal, so not only have you embarrassed your husband but you’ve put out your BIL too. He’s not “happy”, he’s just being polite about your rudeness.

shinynewapple21 · 30/08/2021 16:58

The whole thing is bizarre to be honest .

pinkyredrose · 30/08/2021 16:58

So my feelings don't matter?

Not in this instance no. Do you always have to have your feelings validated?

ElizaDarcysDeeds · 30/08/2021 17:00

I think there's a culture gap here OP. It's common in our family and friend group to give money to adults for their DCs. And it's common to do so when an adult has paid a large bill (as happened in this case). What you did would be viewed as normal in our circles and no-one would bat an eye or create drama about it.
Your DH sounds controlling. Is he always like this around money issues or is he always like this around dealing with his family?