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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

286 replies

louisargg · 30/08/2021 13:46

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 30/08/2021 17:01

YABU. Everyone offered to pay. BIL insisted on paying for everyone.
You wouldn't have given the nephew any money in normal circumstances.

You don't need to prove to family that you have money.

lap90 · 30/08/2021 17:02

Your actions were unnecessary.

aSofaNearYou · 30/08/2021 17:05

@louisargg

So my feelings don't matter? It didn't feel right He didn't want to accept money for the meal so I gave his 2 kids £20 each We don't see each other often so I don't see any issue They were happy and grateful His brother and wife were happy It's just my husband who wasn't And yes he is tight for those asking
Personally I hate the idea of giving kids money for somebody else's birthday. Birthday's are a useful opportunity for things to not be about them.
GnomeDePlume · 30/08/2021 17:07

YABU to try to push to pay towards the meal. It wasnt a business transaction.

Recently we took a family group out for a meal to celebrate a big wedding anniversary. A couple of people offered to chip in but we politely declined. We had been looking forward to hosting this meal. We had put thought into location, arrangements etc. Having others pay would have somehow taken the gloss off it.

m0therofdragons · 30/08/2021 17:13

Your feelings matter but not too the point that they’re more important than dh’s and his family dynamic.

drpet49 · 30/08/2021 17:16

* YABU. You deliberately did something behind your spouse’s back, purely because you thought you knew better in circumstances where you don’t. I’d be furious if my DH did that to me.*

^I agree with this

littlepeas · 30/08/2021 17:30

When my dh was 40 we paid the bill in full for both meals - one with friends and one with family. I think that's the norm.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2021 17:31

I don’t think you’ve done anything so terrible giving the dcs £20 each. Your dh refused to offer to pay half or contribute as your BIL wanted to pay. You gave the money at the end of the evening so it wasn’t directly related to the bill. I possibly would have done something similar myself in recognition of their generosity and a thank you for hosting me. I don’t see it as undermining. You are allowed to have autonomous thoughts and a relationship with your n&n / inlaws.

Did you give your bil an expensive gift? Or a gift at all? If the former, I could understand why your dh is annoyed.

Jconnais1chansonquivavsenerver · 30/08/2021 17:33

@InFiveMins

Your husband was in the wrong. He absolutely should have contributed something - £150 seems a fair amount. The fact he sat and let his brother or parents settle the entire bill without chipping in is exceptionally bad form.
Yes, this.
2et2font5 · 30/08/2021 17:35

@louisargg

So my feelings don't matter? It didn't feel right He didn't want to accept money for the meal so I gave his 2 kids £20 each We don't see each other often so I don't see any issue They were happy and grateful His brother and wife were happy It's just my husband who wasn't And yes he is tight for those asking
How do you know BIL was happy? He was happy to pay, he wanted to pay, was he happy for his kids to have £20? Did he see the link, that this was you contributing to his birthday? It's nice that you gave your nephew/niece some pocket money, but mightn't you have done it anyway?

But no, your feelings don't matter as much as your husband's because it's his brother, in this case.

2et2font5 · 30/08/2021 17:36

Also, what do you do at other birthdays? Surely you've been out before.

toomuchlaundry · 30/08/2021 17:38

Seems wrong he had to pay the whole bill for something he hadn't organised

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/08/2021 17:38

@louisargg

So my feelings don't matter? It didn't feel right He didn't want to accept money for the meal so I gave his 2 kids £20 each We don't see each other often so I don't see any issue They were happy and grateful His brother and wife were happy It's just my husband who wasn't And yes he is tight for those asking
How is this about you? It's nothing whatsoever to do with you. You were just an invited guest at the meal.

You've now decreed that your husband is 'stingy' and you did exactly what you wanted, played 'Lady Bountiful' with a donation to your BIL's children that had nothing to do with the birthday meal. You could have given them that money at any time without making a 'thing' of it.

What you've done is inserted yourself in a family dynamic that you clearly don't understand - have clumsily trampled all of your BIL's nice gesture - and are now all wide-eyed that your husband is angry with you for being so tone deaf.

You think your your husband's brother and wife were grateful; I very much doubt it. They would be thinking WTF? That £40 wasn't in any way a contribution it was just you wanting to show your generosity and put your husband in his place. Really badly done.

Sorry but I'd be really reluctant for you to attend family events in future if that's what you do - and keep banging on that you're in the right. You weren't and you're not.

JustJustWhy · 30/08/2021 17:38

That was a lovely thing for you to do OP. We're big on treating the kids in our family too and if BIL wouldn't take money for the meal that was a really nice gesture.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 30/08/2021 17:39

Agree with others, I leave my DH to deal with his side. By offering up cash you undermined his position and made him look tight.

SergeantCatFlap · 30/08/2021 17:49

Yeah agree with others - YABU and you've made this all about you. But I don't think you're ever going to agree with the thread consensus.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 30/08/2021 17:50

I don't understand giving SIL £40 for the children......

saraclara · 30/08/2021 18:02

It's fine to send your nephews some money. It's not fine to tie it to the paying of the bill.

BIL wanted to pay. He meant it, it was his gesture. So no, your feelings don't count, OP. You undermined BIL's gesture by not believing him when he said he wanted to pay.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/08/2021 18:02

You gave 'the kids' some money to make yourself feel better, justified, a good person, to be seen as a giver not a taker, etc. That is not ready a nice thing, it is wholly selfish.

And your DH reacted to that.

As others have said, it wasn't about you.

phishy · 30/08/2021 18:05

@louisargg

So my feelings don't matter? It didn't feel right He didn't want to accept money for the meal so I gave his 2 kids £20 each We don't see each other often so I don't see any issue They were happy and grateful His brother and wife were happy It's just my husband who wasn't And yes he is tight for those asking
It’s absolutely fine, we give money to nieces and nephew all the time.

Your dh is being a twat.

smallgoon · 30/08/2021 18:12

Where I come from, the person whose birthday it was would never pay, regardless of whether they organised the dinner or not. Can't believe people would think it's ok to go to dinner for somebody's 40th/50th and then not contribute.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 18:14

It’s absolutely fine, we give money to nieces and nephew all the time.

You don't do it as a passive-aggressive move to make a point and prove that you are "paying your way" though, do you? I treat my nephews and nieces, sure, but not like this.

It's fine to send your nephews some money. It's not fine to tie it to the paying of the bill.

This.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/08/2021 18:19

@smallgoon

Where I come from, the person whose birthday it was would never pay, regardless of whether they organised the dinner or not. Can't believe people would think it's ok to go to dinner for somebody's 40th/50th and then not contribute.
Well that's now how we do things. If we want to just go out to dinner then we just say 'shall we meet here if everyone likes it, menu isn't too pricey' - and everyone pays their own. Nobody is hosting, they are just meeting.

If somebody is actually HOSTING (as OP's BIL clearly was) then they pay the bill. It's their choice, he wanted to do that. I pay the bill if I invite people for a meal, I don't pretend to host, I do it.

I can't believe people still think they're hosting when they expect others to pay...?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/08/2021 18:20

*NOT how we do things.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 18:22

I can't believe people still think they're hosting when they expect others to pay...?

Quite. And priding themselves on throwing other people’s hospitality back in their faces. So rude.