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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

286 replies

louisargg · 30/08/2021 13:46

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 30/08/2021 15:22

You were rude and showed your husband up.

RosieGuacamosie · 30/08/2021 15:25

I’ve got a significant birthday coming up and I’ll be treating a group of friends/family to a meal and drinks. I’ve budgeted for it, it’s a special occasion I’m hosting and I hope people accept the gesture in the spirit it’s intended! I don’t want to have it out with ten different people who insist on paying their share, it will rather spoil what’s supposed to be a nice thing!

Coachradley · 30/08/2021 15:25

Perfectly normal in my family to give money to kids. Also, normal for the birthday person to pay the meal.

smallgoon · 30/08/2021 15:25

I don't think it was unreasonable on your part, then again, I always pay my way. Seems the people calling you and saying you were rude are probably freeloaders themselves and tightarses.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 15:27

@Maskedrevenger

Treating kids is fine at any other time but not as a tool to make a point.
Yep.

Can't believe some people are unaware of what the OP was obviously doing here.

seaandsandcastles · 30/08/2021 15:27

YABU and rude. It’s his family; no means no and you did undermine him.

Of course you shouldn’t have done it.

grapewine · 30/08/2021 15:30

I would definitely feel undermined if I were your husband. You did show him up. You should have left it, and the money to the children to prove a point? Just no.

phishy · 30/08/2021 15:30

OP knows her husband better than anyone else on this thread.

I suspect he is a tight fucker and she has had enough of his stingy ways.

Maybe the £40 was for her own meal, OP is entitled to make a contribution if she wants.

bigbluebus · 30/08/2021 15:30

I don't really get the problem with BIL paying the bill if he invited everyone for his 40th birthday. If he'd had a party at a venue he would have paid for food and entertainment even if he didn't pay for all the drinks - at least that's how it works on my social circle/family.

When my DB2 invited me, DH, DB1 and SIL out for a meal for his 60th, he paid the bill. We have just been out for lunch with DB2 & SIL as we hadn't seen them for 16 months due to Covid. It was the day after DHs birthday so we paid.

The issue of giving money for DNs should be a separate one from the bill. If you'd normally give money when meeting up then fine. If you did it as you felt guilty they'd paid the bill - not fine.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 30/08/2021 15:34

Agree with PPs - let your husband decide how to handle it when it’s his family.
Sounds like it was all sorted but you embarrassed him by fussing over the money making it look like he’s stingy.
Unless your DH is generally tight and let’s his family pay for everything, then YABU.

Nietzschethehiker · 30/08/2021 15:35

There is a lot of contextual stuff here that would make a difference.

In our family it would be seen as a bit odd to insist on paying if they had been told not to but money towards children or teenagers would be fine.

That being said I would rather starve than ever accept anything from my Dsis (a moot point really as we would not go put to dinner with her ) because she has a massive superiority complex and would try to give me money for the DC with a passive aggressive comment and behave as if she was doing a massive favour and has massive form for making nice gestures be a months long palaverand a way to batter anyone around her. Dp would absolutely know better than to accept it , if he broke that rule due to wanting some wierd internal need to be "nice" then there would be a big row (he frankly would never do that). It would make me question exactly why he felt his need for "appropriate " behaviour was more important than my understanding of a family dynamic.

His DM though, we would buy something like chocolates or flowers and send it or something she needed.

Ultimately its hard to know , I've seen it alot when the person insisting on giving money in this sort of scenario is doing it as a performance piece and that's just distasteful. Alternatively I've seen it done in a genuinely nice way. It really all depends on dynamics and how it was done.

Confusedandshaken · 30/08/2021 15:36

We took a big group of family out for a meal for DHs big birthday last week and we paid the bill. A couple of guests (my brother and DH's sister) offered to split it with us and we appreciated the thought but it was our treat. If someone had insisted after that first offer it would have spoilt us doing something nice for them.

The giving money to the DC would normally be a nice thing to do but if it was meant or perceived as a way of evening things up financially I think it diminishes your BILs generous gesture and was ungracious.

Wiredforsound · 30/08/2021 15:39

If your BIL insisted he was paying then you should say thank you gracefully, and pick up the tab next time. I’m not sure where the £40 came from but if you want to treat your nephews that’s up to you.

thebeatingofthedrums · 30/08/2021 15:44

@LimeRedBanana

You gave got SIL £20 for each kid?

That is just odd. What’s that got to do with the price of the dinner?

This - I can understand wanting to chip in for your own share plus BIL (so 3 x £50 = £150) or for the brothers to share the cost (£300 x 50% = £150), but I don't understand the 2 x £20 = £40?

It's plain weird.

Whether you should have accepted dinner being paid for graciously or fought to pay half/all of the total bill depends on the family dynamic, and the blood relation (DH) should lead on what's expected.

ScreamingBeans · 30/08/2021 15:51

@smallgoon

I don't think it was unreasonable on your part, then again, I always pay my way. Seems the people calling you and saying you were rude are probably freeloaders themselves and tightarses.
You sound like one of those very rude people who won't accept hospitality.

"I always pay my way" isn't the smug winning line you think it is. People like you make social situations uncomfortable. When people are trying to treat you, insisting on paying your way is bloody rude. Doing it in the underhand way the OP did it, is even ruder.

ChancesAre1 · 30/08/2021 15:52

Nothing weird about giving money for your nieces / nephews. I give mine a note when I see them, not every time but sometimes. I would give it to the parent it the kids weren't there and it had been a while, this is normal in come cultures and was certainly a thing in our family / social circle when I was a kid.

YANBU to want to chip in for a meal. Don't think you did anything wrong at all.
I would not feel comfortable going out to eat and the birthday person covering the bill without even an offer to chip in.
DH could have at least offered even if it had been waved away.

Zenithbear · 30/08/2021 15:52

Ya u.
Birthday person gets the final say.
I really like to pay my way but have to hide it and sit on my hands when someone insists and graciously accept that people love treating their nearest and dearest. Otherwise it's embarrassing for everyone.
You could have given their dc extra on their birthdays or Christmas if you like to even things up.

Zenithbear · 30/08/2021 15:53

*Yabu

thebeatingofthedrums · 30/08/2021 15:56

@ChancesAre1

Nothing weird about giving money for your nieces / nephews. I give mine a note when I see them, not every time but sometimes. I would give it to the parent it the kids weren't there and it had been a while, this is normal in come cultures and was certainly a thing in our family / social circle when I was a kid.

YANBU to want to chip in for a meal. Don't think you did anything wrong at all.
I would not feel comfortable going out to eat and the birthday person covering the bill without even an offer to chip in.
DH could have at least offered even if it had been waved away.

But the OP was clearly trying to give money to the two kids to get around the 'not chipping in for dinner' money fight. That's what makes it weird. She didn't imply it was commonly done as in your social circle.

In your circle, I assume it would be normal to give money to the kids regardless of how much you paid for dinner? So it wouldn't be perceived as some weird alternative get around.

I would have offered to chip in, I would have tried again, but if the birthday boy really wanted to pay, I would have let him, and mentally made a note to treat him and his family in some other way at the first available opportunity. It's good manners to offer to pay (and to mean it), but sometimes it's better manners to let someone else pay, and to just discreetly repay the kindness in some other way at a later stage.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 15:58

You have, basically, stomped all over your DHs family dynamic and now want others to help you justify it.

This in a nutshell. Yes, you have undermined your husband. In our family the host pays the bill. Everyone in that group except you understood this and you decided you knew better.

me4real · 30/08/2021 15:59

YANBU what he was doing was embarrassing.

aSofaNearYou · 30/08/2021 16:02

I think YABU. DH might not have wanted to split the bill at all so should not have had to pay half of it. I think it's nuts that BIL did.

Then there's the showing up element.

And lastly, I really don't understand why you said to give the money to the kids? It's not their birthday and that doesn't reimburse BIL for the dinner at all.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2021 16:03

Your DH said that it was paid for and to leave it but how was it paid for? Who paid for it?

SofiaMichelle · 30/08/2021 16:03

YABU. Why get involved?

SofiaMichelle · 30/08/2021 16:04

@LookItsMeAgain

Your DH said that it was paid for and to leave it but how was it paid for? Who paid for it?
It's right there in the opening post.