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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

286 replies

louisargg · 30/08/2021 13:46

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

OP posts:
slashlover · 31/08/2021 19:30

@Mirw

So many cruel woke comments here. I know exactly where you are coming from and tell your husband to get over himself...selfish individual.
Explain what is "woke" about his?
saraclara · 31/08/2021 19:43

Apparently woke just means 'anything I disagree with' these days Confused

Sceptre86 · 31/08/2021 19:55

If mil arranged it she should have paid. If bil arranged it he should have paid. If you and your dh arranged it you should have paid. We went out for my bil's birthday, he arranged it, picked the restaurant, my dh offered to pay but bil said no. We went out as a family with bil, sil, dn and mil and we paid. It was nice of you to give money for the kids.

Might be worth checking with your dh why he was acting so tight?

Newkitchen123 · 31/08/2021 19:59

Depends entirely on the family dynamics.
I just wouldn't get involved. Your BIL clearly wanted to pay.
If i was your husband I wouldn't appreciate being told how much to pay. Was this in front of the parents that you decided your husband should pay?

Pigriver · 31/08/2021 20:00

What you did is standard behaviour in dh’s family. They are older and Irish is that helps.
For example
We stayed at dhs aunts house for the night as we wanted to take the kids to the zoo. She cooked us dinner and breakfast the next day. We had bought her a box of the booze she likes as a token thank you. She in turn sends the kids off with a fiver each.
On another occasion we were out for dinner with other family members (who we were visiting in Ireland) and Dh paid the bill at the bar on his way to the loo. Our treat, not expensive, no big deal. They then gave the kids a tenner each.
It’s like it’s rude to give the adult money so they give it to the kids instead.
The kids have come home with £40 each after many situations like this.

And in their family no always means yes. Cup of tea? No? Here have one anyway. Drives me mad!

CostaBlancaChica · 31/08/2021 20:08

@Mirw

So many cruel woke comments here. I know exactly where you are coming from and tell your husband to get over himself...selfish individual.
You don't seem to understand what woke actually means.
CrankyFrankie · 31/08/2021 20:16

In my family it’s quite common to [want to] foot the bill for your own birthday meal. Maybe it’s just the way his family do it? Someone might ‘surprise’ the birthday girl/boy with a couple of bottles of bubbly for the table or whatever though. I don’t think I’d have interfered if my husband dug his heels in with his own family, but he’s very generous and quite thoughtful, and not at all tight (though he can be an awkward fucker when it comes to his family), so I would just have to trust him if he couldn’t be swayed.

Backwaterjunction · 31/08/2021 20:39

Your husband is a cock a tiny one at that

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/08/2021 20:44

“So my feelings don't matter?”

No they don’t because it wasn’t your birthday or your brother.

Ozanj · 31/08/2021 20:51

I agree your DH should have paid something. Is he a freeloader in other situations too?

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/08/2021 20:54

Free loader 😳

Would you expect OP to contribute if her BIL had hosted dinner at his home?

If we invite people to celebrate with us, they do not pay, whatever the venue. Not on.

mrbreezeet1 · 31/08/2021 21:01

You husband should have gave the poor thing £150

MrsSkylerWhite · 31/08/2021 21:04

Why? The “poor thing” didn’t want it!

As an adult, if you want to indulge yourself with a birthday celebration, pay for it.

smallgoon · 31/08/2021 21:06

I organise several dinners out with my friends. I don't pay for everyone's meals, ffs some people need to get a grip!

Ozanj · 31/08/2021 21:06

@MrsSkylerWhite

Free loader 😳

Would you expect OP to contribute if her BIL had hosted dinner at his home?

If we invite people to celebrate with us, they do not pay, whatever the venue. Not on.

But the bil didn’t invite them. Mil did. Which means both bil and the freeloader should have contributed.
MrsSkylerWhite · 31/08/2021 21:07

Dinners out with friends/birthday parties and personal celebrations very different.

Wouldn’t dream of asking for money to celebrate my or my loved ones birthday.

Newkitchen123 · 31/08/2021 21:07

I don't see any digs at the parents who didn't pay either. No one is calling them tight.
BIL wanted to pay. He paid. End of. His birthday his choice

MidsummerMimi · 31/08/2021 22:11

Today 19:09 toomuchlaundry

@MidsummerMimi but in this instance the parents organised the meal, but the BIL insisted on paying. So I can see why the OP felt awkward, as in her mind the main guest (not the host) ended up paying

Apologies, you are right.
I did not see that MIL was the host.
Unfortunately your BIL derailed the dynamics, when he insisted on paying. This resulted in an “at the table dilemma”
There is probably no protocol for doing the proper thing then!
If your MIL had any inkling that he was likely to do this, it would have been best to discuss it with you all beforehand.Some of my cousins are very generous like your BIL and are adamant that they pay, even on their birthdays.Knowing this in advance we make sure that they receive extra generous gifts ie VIP hospitality for sporting events.

momtoboys · 31/08/2021 22:52

Well done, OP. Well done.

Fudgemonkeys · 01/09/2021 08:24

You should have simply checked BIL was sure he wanted to pay then let him pay.

starlight13 · 01/09/2021 09:41

OP it's your choice if you wanted to give the children the money. Why would you need permission from your husband, you are part of the family.
He should have contributed to the meal if he was eating, it's his brother's 40th fgs.

Brennanlady1888 · 01/09/2021 17:36

I think if you invite family you should specify beforehand who is paying for what when. If the parents organised the event they should have foot the bill not brother in law. It was gracious of him to do so as it was his birthday. It maybe that your husband resents the brother in law for whatever reason . Something obviously bugs him about the event. ....was such an event organised for his 40th ?

GetMeOut22 · 01/09/2021 23:40

In my family, the birthday boy/girl pays for everything BUT everyone else buys presents. Every family is different, I think you made it awkward.

smallgoon · 02/09/2021 09:25

@GetMeOut22

In my family, the birthday boy/girl pays for everything BUT everyone else buys presents. Every family is different, I think you made it awkward.
Glad I'm not in your family... in my family birthday person doesn't pay for a damn thing.
kikipie · 02/09/2021 10:24

Sorry but this is batshit. BIL was happy to pay and you interfere and give the kids money for no reason. What a mess

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