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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wouldn't pay the bill for his brothers birthday aibu ?

286 replies

louisargg · 30/08/2021 13:46

Me and my husband plus his brother /wife and their parents went out on Saturday night for brother in laws 40 th birthday.
6 of us altogether.
Bill came to £300 and that was food /drinks.
My husbands parents wanted to pay but brother in law insisted (even tho it was his birthday)
I said to husband give him £150 towards this bill as it's his birthday.
He refused so I said give him something at least.
He said no it was paid for and to leave it.

End of the night I gave £40 to sister in law and told her to give £20 each to the two kids.
Husband went mental saying I went behind his back.

Aibu ?
Should I not have done this ?

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 18:25

DH and I took everyone to a restaurant on our wedding day (it was a small affair, so not at a venue or anything). We were hosting so we paid in full, and would have been really unhappy if anyone else had tried to. We even got the restaurant to print menus without prices as we didn't want people feeling like they had to choose cheaply.

When we hold a party for people, we know it's going to be expensive, but we want to treat people. It's not a pissing contest, and we accept the same hospitality graciously when our friends or family do similar.

cushioncovers · 30/08/2021 18:25

Yabu op you stuck you nose in when it was wasn't needed. Your Bil was happy to pay on this occasion. Next time you and your dh could pay. No need to make a fuss and start giving money out to nephews to make yourself feel better.

tootiredtospeak · 30/08/2021 18:27

I would keep out unless it was my family or I knew they couldn't afford to do that financially.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 18:29

@Blossomtoes

I can't believe people still think they're hosting when they expect others to pay...?

Quite. And priding themselves on throwing other people’s hospitality back in their faces. So rude.

MN makes me realise how many weird people there are out there!
Notthemessiah · 30/08/2021 18:36

I’d be very annoyed too if DP interfered in the same way in what was purely a matter between my parents, my brother and I. If you had a problem you should have raised it with your husband and not gone behind his back.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what you think OP - it wasn’t your family, so not your business.

icedcoffees · 30/08/2021 18:39

It wasn't your place to get involved - your DH knows his family dynamics better than you do. I totally understand why he's pissed off.

Whinginadeville · 30/08/2021 18:39

I can see why OP disabled voting given most responses say she was tone deaf and was actually just trying to make her husband look bad I am guessing 90% Yabu 10% Yanbu 100 % denial from OP

UnsuitableHat · 30/08/2021 18:44

Personally I find it irritating when people won’t accept being treated, as in this case - BIL insisted on paying so he obviously wanted to. Your H perhaps felt you were labouring the point somewhat. I think your £40 gift to nephews was quite a nice gesture though. So can see bits of both sides.

RicherThanYew · 30/08/2021 18:46

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand Wow, are you always an enormous dick or does it take practice?

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 18:48

@tootiredtospeak

I would keep out unless it was my family or I knew they couldn't afford to do that financially.
I disagree. My dad is hard up, but sensible with the money he has so only spends within his means. DH and I are better off than he is by a large margin.

If my dad said to us, "Let me take you out for dinner/pub lunch/whatever, it's my treat", I'd be appalled if my DH said "No, we can afford it more easily than you, let us pay"

Paying or offering money is not always nice or kind. In some circumstances, it's shitting all over someone's pride and generosity, and making them feel small. We pay for most things we do with my dad, it would be awful for him not to be able to feel he could reciprocate occasionally.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 18:50

Why are people so angry that she treated get nephews to £20 each? That was a nice thing to do

because the bil wanted to treat them, it wasn't about the money-it was the gesture. Op undermined it by giving the money although husband going mental is a bit ott but I can see why he was pissed of, it does seem sneaky.

Blossomtoes · 30/08/2021 18:51

[quote RicherThanYew]@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand Wow, are you always an enormous dick or does it take practice?[/quote]
Perhaps you could answer the same question.

Whinginadeville · 30/08/2021 18:53

The £20 wasn't given to treat the nephews though it was given to make the point that OP is wonderful, kind and generous and her dh is not. She deliberately made him look bad.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 18:54

Your DH sounds controlling. Is he always like this around money issues or is he always like this around dealing with his family

The op seemed somewhat controlling here too though.

Suetully · 30/08/2021 18:59

Seems wrong he had to pay the whole bill for something he hadn't organised

I think people going on about the cost, the who should/shouldn't have paid are missing the point. It's not about the money, it's that the bil wanted to pay, it's about the gesture.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 30/08/2021 19:00

Some people here are bit confused about what it actually means to be polite.
It certainly is not slipping someone random amount of cash after their spouse insisted on paying for dinner...
It's to say thank you and treat the person next time

Annoyedanddissapointed · 30/08/2021 19:02

I looooove the judgment on DH. Honestly. Imagine. A twat for listening that what his brother was saying and wanted to do 😱 How daaaaaares he. Tutut

toomuchlaundry · 30/08/2021 19:04

BIL didn’t organise it so he wasn’t hosting it

Northernparent68 · 30/08/2021 19:05

Op, how did your sil react to been given £40.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 19:05

It's not about the money, it's that the bil wanted to pay, it's about the gesture.

Yes. Some people know the price of everything, but the value of nothing.

The meal could have been super-cheap (in order to be within the BIL's means), and it wouldn't change the way the guests should behave when being treated as part of a celebration.

You offer to pay (unless the invite was explicit otherwise), you graciously thank the host if they insist on paying, and then you maybe offer to buy everyone a cocktail to round off the evening (if it's that kind of gathering).

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 19:05

Oh, and obviously you take a nice gift.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 30/08/2021 19:06

@toomuchlaundry

BIL didn’t organise it so he wasn’t hosting it
The OP says he "insisted" on paying, and it was his birthday. He's the de facto host regardless of who sent the invite.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/08/2021 19:08

@toomuchlaundry

BIL didn’t organise it so he wasn’t hosting it
You misunderstand what hosting is. It's not about the organising. I've organised for meals out that my Mum is paying for on occasion, she's still the host and is paying the bill.

The secretary/gofer is just that, not the host.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/08/2021 19:09

x-posted with BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand who explains it better.

toomuchlaundry · 30/08/2021 19:09

The parents offered to pay first, so why isn't the BIL considered rude to then pay?