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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can she take my baby?

198 replies

Helpppmeeee · 30/08/2021 02:25

My mother and myself have had a complicated relationship my whole life, but she loves my DS (1) to bits. He sees her once every one-two weeks, usually when we pop in.

She has criticised my parenting since the get-go, but tonight I’m feeling a hurt and fear like none other.

She took DS out for the day and went to get him new shoes which she didn’t tell me about. It’s his first proper pair of shoes that were fitted and she posted it all over her Facebook. When I explained I felt hurt by this as I’d wanted to be the one to get him his first pair of shoes, she hit me back with ‘well you don’t spend any time with him anyway and he’s happy with me.’

I’m a mother working full-time and so is she. She doesn’t provide any childcare and he goes to nursery during the week. They have the odd days out together and this was the first one in a while.

I decided to buy some boots for my son as I was doing his clothes shopping and she absolutely flipped at me because she had bought him new shoes. I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but...

Tonight when I told her that she was being nasty and I needed some space she told me she would be seeing my son whether I like it or not, that she can dictate when she sees him and how often and for how long, that he will be staying round her house when she wants, and when I said she couldn’t dictate this because I am his mother, she became threatening.

She told me ‘let the games begin’ and ‘just watch me’.

She told me to ‘watch my back’ and now I’m panicking that she is going to do something like try to take my son from me.

He is happy, healthy and loved, we have a really close bond and although I hate working full time and often feel guilty for it, I make up for it when I am home and on the weekends when we always take him out to do something. Needs must as I am the only provider.

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

OP posts:
WiltingWalli · 30/08/2021 02:28

No she cannot take your baby from you. But she sounds manipulative and unstable.

Whether you go nc or not, I'd be doing two things:

  1. Contact the nursery and tell them explicitly that you are the only person ds is to be released to and they are under no circumstances to give him to your mother.
  2. Stop any unsupervised contact with him completely.
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2021 02:29

Your mother is unhinged and you really need to distance yourself from her, and perhaps nc is best. Your mother can not take your son from you. She is trying to scare and gaslight you. Ignore her.

plodalong12 · 30/08/2021 02:30

That sounds really sinister. I would stop popping round every two weeks if I were you. But realistically, she can’t just take your son from you.

Hapoydayz · 30/08/2021 02:32

No she has no rights to do anything. Don't let her manipulate you, do what you want. Be strong.

Takenoprisoner · 30/08/2021 02:32

You need to go no contact with this monster who threatens you re your child. No contact, immediately.

She has no rights to your child. None.

Your child will be damaged by having a relationship with her, because she hates you, this is a toxic dynamic. In time she will either alienate your child from you, turn him against you or turn on your child and treat him the way she's treated you.

Do not allow her to see your dc.

LadyJaye · 30/08/2021 02:33

You are your child's mother. Your mother has absolutely no rights other than those you afford to her.

How old are you, out of interest?

Merrymumoftwo · 30/08/2021 02:33

Start off by telling her you no longer want to see her.
Advise her that you will do everything necessary to block access to your son vector her behaviour. If she repeats her threat, do the following

If she has access to the nursery, contact them and advise she is not authorised to collect your child.
If she has keys to your home, change the locks
If you feel she may carry out the threat, dial 101 and get this recorded with the police. This will be classed as a domestic incident and depending on where you are. It will depend what action is taken.
Sorry but from your post it sounds like she is tolerating you to access your son.

Helpppmeeee · 30/08/2021 02:35

I am 25.

OP posts:
Merrymumoftwo · 30/08/2021 02:35

Vector should say because of

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2021 02:36

You need to keep your child away from your mother.

Marshmallow91 · 30/08/2021 02:38

In the UK, grandparents have no legal right to see their grandchild.

I agree with previous posters that she sounds unhinged. How dare she dictate to you about your child??

I'd follow the advice about contacting his nursery, and discontinue all contact with her, block hers number etc and if she turns up at your house then call the police. She'll soon learn she cannot threaten you, or blackmail you.

What a horrible woman, you sound like a great mum, OP. keep doing what you are doing and protect your child from this person who is clearly unstable.

TheSandgroper · 30/08/2021 02:38

For someone this bad, I would upend my life and move house, move childcare and not tell her.

But I am on the outside looking in and happy to know my own mind. Have a good look at your situation, recognise what you want your relationship to be, decide what reality will be and make appropriate arrangements.

This is your child. No one else’s (partner’s notwithstanding). YOURS.

IDidNotSignUpForThis · 30/08/2021 02:39

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. Your mother has no rights at all over your son. It sounds like it would be better for you to end contact with her and block her from your child,s life- she sounds like a monster.

SheilaWilcox · 30/08/2021 02:41

I'd just stop popping in. No big dramatic declaration of limiting contact. Just let her dwell on what's she's said and the implications of driving you away.

It sounds like she has (or thinks she has) a lot of control over you. She doesn't. You're a grown woman and YOU get to make the decisions regarding your child.

You can do this - Find your inner lioness!

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 30/08/2021 02:42

No. She has no such rights and I echo others on here. Speak to the school about her and cut contact. You would be mad to carry on a relationship with her after she has said those things! Threatened those things in fact.

tattychicken · 30/08/2021 02:42

Yep I agree with all the PPs. And just to add, try not to feel guilty about working FT. You are being a good Mum by providing financial security for your child.

Alpenguin · 30/08/2021 02:43

Grandparents have no automatic rights to access to their grandchildren in the UK unless they have a close and special relationship. One a fortnight visits would be unlikely to constitute a special relationship. So that’s the legal aspect in a nutshell.

As for the practical aspect, you cannot allow her to behave like this around you or your child. You are the mother now and you have the power in this dynamic. I’d be stopping letting your mum have any unsupervised contact if you decide to continue with the relationship with her.

To be honest though I’d probably use this time to create some distance and consider whether you want to have a woman like this in your life. You seem to be doing everything right by your son.
Maybe start to keep a diary of events where your mother is saying stuff like this. See if you can get her to repeat it in texts and save the screenshots. You may need evidence if she does want to push for access.

tattychicken · 30/08/2021 02:44

And she's being a shit, particularly buying him his first pair of shoes. You're not wrong to be upset by that, Sounds like it's a control thing for her, she doesn't like it that you are grown and independent of her.

ReggaetonLente · 30/08/2021 02:49

I would stay very very far away from this person for a very long time.

Can you tell your health visitor that this is happening? Some of DH's family also threatened me with calling social services in an argument (because I did baby led weaning...) And I told my health visitor next time I saw her. She was so sympathetic and reassuring and also wrote it down in my red book, which made me feel better as I felt like if anything ever came of it I had proof of their malicious threats.

But nothing ever did come of it. We don't see them anymore. I'm so sorry this has happened OP, you sound like a great mum and your mother doesn't deserve to know either you or your son.

Nat6999 · 30/08/2021 02:53

Send her a cease & desist letter by recorded delivery telling her to stop contacting you. Tell nursery that they can only hand dc over to you, change your phone number both mobile & landline, change your locks. If she contacts you after sending the letter then call the police to have her removed from outside your home. In all honesty I would move house if I could to protect my child from being abducted, she sounds unhinged, does she have any previous mental health problems?

TatianaBis · 30/08/2021 03:01

Your mother is a lunatic.

Is the father in DS’s life?

Frannibananni · 30/08/2021 03:02

She cannot take your son, she cannot see your son without your permission, She has no rights to your son.

If she is going to cause trouble get your rings closed, let everyone who has your son like nursery, in-laws, childminders know she is not to have access to him. You don’t need to cut contact if you don’t want to but it must be on your terms. Try to limit the visits for a while as familiarity will feed her feelings of entitlement.

KicksLikeASIeepTwitch · 30/08/2021 03:03

Worst she can do is claim you are an unfit parent anonymously to social services. They will do a routine visit and dismiss it. Shamrock

Mintjulia · 30/08/2021 03:06

I'd be reducing your mother's access to your son significantly. She has absolutely no rights whatsoever and sounds completely unhinged.

She is undermining and belittling you as a parent, rather than supporting you. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable and should be rejected out of hand every time she behaves this way. As others have said, instruct your nursery in writing that no-one except you (and your appointed back-up) is allowed to collect your DS from nursery.

Cut your contact down, don't see her for a few weeks to make the point clear and never leave your child in her care.

UniversalAunt · 30/08/2021 03:07

As others above have said, now is the time to stop contact with her.

Keep a journal & write down what she has said & done.
Start by filling in what you have told us so far.

Make sure that the Nursery is formally told that only you are to pick up your child .

Change the locks on your door & wimdows.

Once she has realised that she has overplayed her hand & you have cut contact, do not be surprised if there is a backlash & & she get really nasty - make sure that you keep notes, back up any texts or WhatsApps.

It is legal in the UK ago make a recording without their permission for your own personal use - in this case you capture evidence that she has threatened your &/or your child.

So prepare yourself to record her ranting etc at you.
Do not engage, bait or encourage her.
The more she says, the more she weakens her position.
You may then share your recording with the police &/or lawyer to get their advice.

Do not let your mother’s inadequacies & shortcomings affect you any more. You are an adult now & a plenty good mum.