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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can she take my baby?

198 replies

Helpppmeeee · 30/08/2021 02:25

My mother and myself have had a complicated relationship my whole life, but she loves my DS (1) to bits. He sees her once every one-two weeks, usually when we pop in.

She has criticised my parenting since the get-go, but tonight I’m feeling a hurt and fear like none other.

She took DS out for the day and went to get him new shoes which she didn’t tell me about. It’s his first proper pair of shoes that were fitted and she posted it all over her Facebook. When I explained I felt hurt by this as I’d wanted to be the one to get him his first pair of shoes, she hit me back with ‘well you don’t spend any time with him anyway and he’s happy with me.’

I’m a mother working full-time and so is she. She doesn’t provide any childcare and he goes to nursery during the week. They have the odd days out together and this was the first one in a while.

I decided to buy some boots for my son as I was doing his clothes shopping and she absolutely flipped at me because she had bought him new shoes. I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but...

Tonight when I told her that she was being nasty and I needed some space she told me she would be seeing my son whether I like it or not, that she can dictate when she sees him and how often and for how long, that he will be staying round her house when she wants, and when I said she couldn’t dictate this because I am his mother, she became threatening.

She told me ‘let the games begin’ and ‘just watch me’.

She told me to ‘watch my back’ and now I’m panicking that she is going to do something like try to take my son from me.

He is happy, healthy and loved, we have a really close bond and although I hate working full time and often feel guilty for it, I make up for it when I am home and on the weekends when we always take him out to do something. Needs must as I am the only provider.

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

OP posts:
NoNotYou · 30/08/2021 10:49

Sending hugs and flowers to you x

HalzTangz · 30/08/2021 10:50

@HalzTangz

Unless there is neglect (ie, child not being fed or clothed,child being hit etc) then she can't take the child off you.

Are you still with her son, have you told him how she was, what she said? What did he say?

As for contact let her play her games, she doesn't stand a chance of getting any kind of visitation

Sorry I thought you said MIL.

Agree with what others have said.

Report to police.
Tell nursery she is not to pick your son up..
Instruct a solicitor to write to her informing her she I no longer to contact you or see your son.

She has no rights at all to visitation.

The police may call social services but assuming you are doing nothing wrong they will state that in there report which will go in your favour should mother ever attempt to take you to court for visitation (which wouldn't happen as she has no legal rights)

FelicityPike · 30/08/2021 10:51

@Helpppmeeee

If I report to the police, will they alert social services?
It’s likely. BUT SS can be a great source of help and guidance to an awful lot of people. They’re not the “bad guys”. Your mum needs stopped.
Lockeddownagain · 30/08/2021 10:54

Go non contact. Tell the nursery she isnt allowed to collect him. Or get the thing from the police so she can't come near you. You are his mother she's one of those crazy granny's do not let him have her ever again x

Echobelly · 30/08/2021 10:56

Yes, don't be afraid of Social Services - in this situation (as in most) they'll only be interested in helping, you haven't done anything to concern them.

I'd certainly change you locks and contact details (if you can't move) and put something in writing that seeing as she has stated she wishes to overturn your rights as a mother, you are ending contact to keep your child safe with you.

ElsieMc · 30/08/2021 10:56

Op, I am a grandparent carer. My gc's live with me under a Court order. You are getting some incorrect legal advice on here. Grandparents can and do get awarded contact with their gc's but there are legal hurdles and criteria to be met.

It is correct that grandparents have no legal right to their grandchildren and any court application must first go through a hearing to decide whether the application can proceed ie you need the courts permission to apply.

It is very costly embarking on such a journey and I cannot see from what you say that she plays such an important role in your ds's life other than an occasional visit.

There is no way on earth she can take your son from you I promise. I have my grandchildren because there was no alternative at the time with my dd's behaviour. Gs1 was by agreement and a residence order granted by the court to confer PR upon us. Sadly gs2 was taken under duress and believe me we absolutely did not want to go to court again. SS insisted because they needed to be sure gs could not be taken by his mum as we would not have PR. Its a complex and sensitive matter.

She has made you feel fearful for your son and you sound scared yourself. She sounds emotionally immature at best and you need a long break from her. Your ds will not miss out on someone like this. You do not need to contact her about taking this break just let things drop naturally. She will probably threaten you, yes you may even get a solicitor's letter. Just remember a legal letter is not a court order, it is simply a letter your dm has paid a legal firm to write on her behalf.

Lockeddownagain · 30/08/2021 10:57

Dont worry about ss love if nursery was worried they would have already done it. They will just support you xx

YukoandHiro · 30/08/2021 10:57

As others have said, no - she has no legal rights whatsoever. Keep your distance and make sure you tell nursery they must not release your son to her, even if she had previously been listed as a family member with rights of access.

Please also see your doctor and say you're worried about your mum and concerned for her mental health - just in case she does something really nuts like try to make a fake claim to social services (don't worry they are very professional and can spot this kind of madness a mile off - she will never have ungranted access to your child)

Has she often behaved erratically like this? Was she emotionally abusive when you were a child?

Confused102 · 30/08/2021 11:00

I would be proactive here. Time to put the emotions aside and take this seriously. Report her to the police. She has threatened you, so that is enough to go hardball here. You need to get very, very angry and do something about it. Start with the police, nursery and whatever it takes to get her away from you. NO GRANDPARENT is worth a toxic relationship. As your ds is growing up she will be spewing poison in his ear. This needs to be your final straw. Do something and do it fast. So sorry you have to go through this op. X

BabyRace · 30/08/2021 11:01

SS only ever care for the wellbeing of the child, in this case, it's by keeping him with you and keeping your narc mother out. They may check things over but will probably have very little other involvement.

CecilyP · 30/08/2021 11:01

No she cannot take your baby from you. But she sounds manipulative and unstable.

Exactly. If she took him, she would be breaking the law. You could call the police and they would bring him back. She could also be prosecuted. Please don't worry.

shouldistop · 30/08/2021 11:04

@ElsieMc what incorrect legal advice have people given?

TheNinny · 30/08/2021 11:07

She’s unhinged. Stop access or very rare, at your house only

happyface42 · 30/08/2021 11:19

Wow she sounds awful OP. What kind of Mother does this to their child and she clearly doesn't love her grandchild either if she does act on her threats and tries to come between you both. My advice would be to cut contact with her, you don't need such toxicity in your life especially from your own mum!

ElsieMc · 30/08/2021 11:29

That grandparents have no legal rights whatsoever which keeps being repeated on the thread. Whilst unlikely in the majority of cases, you can gain permission of the court to make an application. I have succeeded twice in front of a Circuit Judge. Each case is individual and the judge has a wide discretion.

I am not a solicitor, nor are other posters, but have been through the family court system twice Some judges do ask why a grandparents' interests should not be represented in court although reasons must be compelling. The family courts deal with the right of the child to a relationship with their parents/family not vice versa.

ElsieMc · 30/08/2021 11:30

My post is in response to shouldistop's question,

shouldistop · 30/08/2021 11:32

Grandparents have no automatic legal rights though. I think that's what people mean.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 30/08/2021 11:35

You need to stop all contact with her.

UnGoogled · 30/08/2021 11:41

Regardless of the hair-splitting, this particular grandmother won't get very far in front of a judge.

AlrightThereSkippy · 30/08/2021 11:48

I think most people have taken the trouble to say grandparents have no automatic rights to access. That is accurate. A lot of hair splitting which is a little unnecessary. This grandmother hasn't had a particularly involved relationship with the child and has literally said it is a game to her that she gets access to antagonise the mother. Good luck with that in court!

DifferentHair · 30/08/2021 11:48

@ElsieMc is right. We've been through the system as well, except we were the parents.

Grandparents have the right to apply to court. The court will hear them out. It is incredibly invasive and expensive and absolutely fatal to the relationship IME.

My in laws had their application thrown out at the first court date, it still cost us in the tens of thousands because we hired a good lawyer. There was a huge amount of paperwork because my father in law submitted all kinds of 'evidence' which of course worked against him because he has no sense of how outrageous his own behaviour is.

OP, if you get a letter, go to a solicitor for a strongly worded reply. Her text messages show she doesn't have DS's best interest at heart, it's a turf war and she's being vile.

The court will look at something like that and see that she isn't sensible or mature enough to navigate a tense relationship with DSs mother in a way that won't impact him negatively.

If she had any fucking sense she wouldn't pick a fight over shoes, and even if was in the right she would suck it up and apologise for the sake of having a relationship with her DGS.

BrendaBulldog · 30/08/2021 11:50

Jesus, they look like the sort of messages I used to get from my mother. Right down to calling me "kid" (I was mid-20s at the time also)

Reading these has made me realise what a good decision it was to get away from her threatening and controlling behaviour.

It's not an easy decision to make though so in the first instance, I would recommend getting some distance to think long and hard about whether you want someone like this in your or your DCs life.

Flowers for you.

Figgygal · 30/08/2021 11:51

Just block the nasty old Cow

placemats · 30/08/2021 11:52

Some excellent advice on here for you OP.

I would be fuming at the shoes and that would tip me over to go no contact for quite some time. Plus your mother has no rights over her children.

My mum sent me money to help out with the first new shoes and she still has the photos and thank you cards which she treasures.

Stay strong. You are an excellent mum who is providing for your child whilst ensuring their safety.

placemats · 30/08/2021 11:53

Your children - and she has no rights over you either now you are an independent adult.