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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can she take my baby?

198 replies

Helpppmeeee · 30/08/2021 02:25

My mother and myself have had a complicated relationship my whole life, but she loves my DS (1) to bits. He sees her once every one-two weeks, usually when we pop in.

She has criticised my parenting since the get-go, but tonight I’m feeling a hurt and fear like none other.

She took DS out for the day and went to get him new shoes which she didn’t tell me about. It’s his first proper pair of shoes that were fitted and she posted it all over her Facebook. When I explained I felt hurt by this as I’d wanted to be the one to get him his first pair of shoes, she hit me back with ‘well you don’t spend any time with him anyway and he’s happy with me.’

I’m a mother working full-time and so is she. She doesn’t provide any childcare and he goes to nursery during the week. They have the odd days out together and this was the first one in a while.

I decided to buy some boots for my son as I was doing his clothes shopping and she absolutely flipped at me because she had bought him new shoes. I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but...

Tonight when I told her that she was being nasty and I needed some space she told me she would be seeing my son whether I like it or not, that she can dictate when she sees him and how often and for how long, that he will be staying round her house when she wants, and when I said she couldn’t dictate this because I am his mother, she became threatening.

She told me ‘let the games begin’ and ‘just watch me’.

She told me to ‘watch my back’ and now I’m panicking that she is going to do something like try to take my son from me.

He is happy, healthy and loved, we have a really close bond and although I hate working full time and often feel guilty for it, I make up for it when I am home and on the weekends when we always take him out to do something. Needs must as I am the only provider.

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

OP posts:
AlrightThereSkippy · 30/08/2021 09:08

@gogohm

There's lot of very dramatic and assertive statements here but it comes down to details.

It is correct grandparents have no automatic right to apply for visiting rights but they have been awarded in certain circumstances - how much support eg weekend childcare, financial, practical has she given you? Is dc's father in their lives? These are taken into account eg if you have been resident with her until recently and she has bought all the baby stuff etc then the courts might be more sympathetic - it's certainly worth trying to defuse the situation rather than testing it!

I think op already clarified her mum doesn't help with childcare but takes him out occasionally. Also, I don't think a court in the land would be sympathetic towards a woman who said "let the games begin" re her getting access to her DS. That sort of comment wouldn't automatically preclude someone from getting access where they had a right to it, but since she does not have a right to access it would probably not make the courts inclined to help the op's mum.
TimeIhadaNameChange · 30/08/2021 09:12

Does she have a key to your house? If yes, change the locks.

Maybe speak to 101. Those threats are threatening.

Put it in writing to the nursery that she is NEVER to be allowed contact with him.

Lemonsandlemonade · 30/08/2021 09:20

The twisted me would post the shoes back through her letter box and go to get First shoes again

Helpppmeeee · 30/08/2021 09:20

She doesn’t have a key, she barely visits. Health visitors phone is turned off and feel too anxious to make a complaint to the police.

OP posts:
spittycup · 30/08/2021 09:21

@Helpppmeeee

I had my M make a malicious phone call to SS when I left home and went NC. She'd be threatening to do this since baby was born.

I had a strong anxious reaction over it but after a few phone calls I heard nothing back from SS. They aren't interested in lies. If you're such a bad mum, why didn't she call before? What reasons does she have to warrant intervention?

None, of course. Don't mind her. Cut contact before she turns your son against you. My M got my DC to call her and her partner mummy and daddy and that I'm going to hell lol

Go NC and don't look back.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 30/08/2021 09:21

God she sounds insane.
There's no way she'd get any court appointed access.

You need to go NC, you can't have that toxicity around you child.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/08/2021 09:29

This is chilling. The 'let the games begin' is horrible.
I think you have to go no contact or at least reduce visits right down so she cant claim she she any kind of relationship with him.
Document everything. Every time she sees him and for how long etc.
Get HV involved and any other agency you think is appropriate that she might involve. Tell the doctors this is stressing you out. So it's all documented.
She will never be able to see your son without your permission if she doesnt have a pre existing strong relationship with your son and provided him with a lot of care

Tara336 · 30/08/2021 09:30

Has she behaved like this before? Or is this the first time she’s said something like this? As others have said she has no rights over your baby so stop worrying. You do need to consider what to do next, personally I would put some distance between you for a bit and wait and see what happens ie if she contacts and apologises then maybe you can move forward on your terms, but if she is not a reasonable person in general (only you know the answer to this) then you need to think about what you want. She certainly owes you an apology that’s for sure. But please remember that no one on here has to live with the consequences of advice they give

OhRene · 30/08/2021 09:35

There is no such thing as grand parental rights.

Go NC. She has lost both a daughter and a grandson. If you keep her in your life your son may be being told all sorts by grandma and she may even try to poison him against you.

DeadButDelicious · 30/08/2021 09:41

I think you know that you need to sever all contact with her. She views all this as a game that she must win. Your DS is simply a pawn in her power play. He shouldn't be exposed to someone who would use him in such a way. I'll also echo PP and say to keep everything she has sent you as evidence, tell nursery they are not to let her take him and block her on every form of contact. You don't and shouldn't have to listen to her bile.

Chamomileteaplease · 30/08/2021 09:44

Stop engaging with her like you were on those texts. Just stop all contact!

And yes to ensuring the nursery know not to release your son to anyone but you.

Movingsoon21 · 30/08/2021 09:47

OP your mum sounds like a complete monster. How could a mum threaten her child like this?! It’s beyond comprehension.

In your shoes I would absolutely cut all contact. You have nothing to gain and absolutely everything to lose by keeping her in your life. Don’t tell her, just stop answering all messages/calls and never, NEVER allow her unsupervised access to your son. Get DH on side and tell nursery she is not to come anywhere near.

I would also try to get access to counselling for yourself as you will likely have unrealised issues from your childhood if this is her character.

Best of luck, wishing you all the best with your partner and baby.

peoniesandpastels · 30/08/2021 09:54

I completely understand the feelings of anxiety, but if you can bring yourself to make a report, it may help if she does decide to try to collect him from nursery without your permission, or makes malicious reports to social services. As they will have something on file to show the beginnings of a pattern of behaviour.

I know this may all sound a bit alarmist, but the tone of the messages she sent you makes me worry she is willing to stoop that low in order to 'win' this game she is constructing for herself.

Helpppmeeee · 30/08/2021 09:58

If I report to the police, will they alert social services?

OP posts:
JuliaBlackberry · 30/08/2021 09:58

Your mum is highly toxic and potentially unstable. I would make sure the nursery don't let your DS be picked up by her under any circumstances. She has no rights to your son.

MyOtherProfile · 30/08/2021 09:59

If dad isn't working he could pick your baby up early from nursery so that your mum doesn't know when, just in case she tries anything.

GreyTV · 30/08/2021 10:03

Write down in full detail everything she has said, screenshot texts and email them to yourself so you have a record. Tell nursery she is not allowed near him.
Sorry she has flipped, go NC. She has no rights to see him. Use the support of your DP

mintiesforus · 30/08/2021 10:05

Please try and find the strength to report this to the Police so there is a paper trail of her threats. This would hopefully give you a strong position if she tries malicious reports to SS. Will your DP help support you in reporting this if you feel anxious to do so?

Has your DM always been like this when you were growing up or is it relatively new behaviour/way of speaking to you? My own DM turned vile when I married and had DC as she ‘lost’ control of me, and I am now NC with her.

GreyTV · 30/08/2021 10:05

Police will report to social services, but that will just be a cursory check, and social services don’t get involved when stable parents try and protect your child, they only get involved if you know your child is in danger and you do nothing to remove them from that, like staying with a man who hits you in front of your kids or does drugs etc and you choose him over the kids.

So please don’t let that out you off making a formal report. It sounds like you are worried enough to want to report so do it

MakeItRain · 30/08/2021 10:21

It would be a good idea to speak to the non emergency police. I imagine they will advise you to let her know you don't want any further contact. Then, if she persists, they can deal with it as harassment. But like a pp said, it means there is a paper trail if she tries to report you to social services on some made up pretext.
It's also essential that you contact the nursery to say she is never to be allowed to pick your son up.
It sounds worrying. But there's very little she can actually do despite her threats. I would just ignore her.

tattychicken · 30/08/2021 10:23

You can report incidents to the police online, if that's easier for you.

UnGoogled · 30/08/2021 10:42

My mum went nuclear on me and threatened me with court to assert her rights as a grandparent. She didn't get anywhere so is now in cahoots with my abusive ex in order to get access to them. She's utterly unhinged.

HalzTangz · 30/08/2021 10:43

Unless there is neglect (ie, child not being fed or clothed,child being hit etc) then she can't take the child off you.

Are you still with her son, have you told him how she was, what she said? What did he say?

As for contact let her play her games, she doesn't stand a chance of getting any kind of visitation

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2021 10:45

@Helpppmeeee

I’m with my DS’ dad. He is aware of everything going on and is firm. He doesn’t work at the moment as he lost his job, which is why I’m working full time - but he is looking.
Even less reason for her to have your DS.

Block her

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2021 10:46

@Helpppmeeee

If I report to the police, will they alert social services?
Stop worrying about SS.

From what you've said here there's nothing for them to do. They have far bigger issues to contend with

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