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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can she take my baby?

198 replies

Helpppmeeee · 30/08/2021 02:25

My mother and myself have had a complicated relationship my whole life, but she loves my DS (1) to bits. He sees her once every one-two weeks, usually when we pop in.

She has criticised my parenting since the get-go, but tonight I’m feeling a hurt and fear like none other.

She took DS out for the day and went to get him new shoes which she didn’t tell me about. It’s his first proper pair of shoes that were fitted and she posted it all over her Facebook. When I explained I felt hurt by this as I’d wanted to be the one to get him his first pair of shoes, she hit me back with ‘well you don’t spend any time with him anyway and he’s happy with me.’

I’m a mother working full-time and so is she. She doesn’t provide any childcare and he goes to nursery during the week. They have the odd days out together and this was the first one in a while.

I decided to buy some boots for my son as I was doing his clothes shopping and she absolutely flipped at me because she had bought him new shoes. I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but...

Tonight when I told her that she was being nasty and I needed some space she told me she would be seeing my son whether I like it or not, that she can dictate when she sees him and how often and for how long, that he will be staying round her house when she wants, and when I said she couldn’t dictate this because I am his mother, she became threatening.

She told me ‘let the games begin’ and ‘just watch me’.

She told me to ‘watch my back’ and now I’m panicking that she is going to do something like try to take my son from me.

He is happy, healthy and loved, we have a really close bond and although I hate working full time and often feel guilty for it, I make up for it when I am home and on the weekends when we always take him out to do something. Needs must as I am the only provider.

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

OP posts:
Pinkandwhiteblossom · 30/08/2021 07:56

To re-emphasise, change the locks, tell nursery she’s to go nowhere near him.

Then simply stop speaking to her.

So sorry you’re going through this OP.

Member984815 · 30/08/2021 07:59

This would be the death of my relationship with my mother if she tried this . You have gotten great advice here change locks notify nursery and go no contact . I'd never trust her again

Justilou1 · 30/08/2021 08:01

Apply for jobs elsewhere. Preferably out of the country. Don’t tell her or anyone else where. Get right off all social media.

Tulips15 · 30/08/2021 08:04

@Marshmallow91

In the UK, grandparents have no legal right to see their grandchild.

I agree with previous posters that she sounds unhinged. How dare she dictate to you about your child??

I'd follow the advice about contacting his nursery, and discontinue all contact with her, block hers number etc and if she turns up at your house then call the police. She'll soon learn she cannot threaten you, or blackmail you.

What a horrible woman, you sound like a great mum, OP. keep doing what you are doing and protect your child from this person who is clearly unstable.

I agree with this.
Teenytinyratsass · 30/08/2021 08:14

@Helpppmeeee

I’m with my DS’ dad. He is aware of everything going on and is firm. He doesn’t work at the moment as he lost his job, which is why I’m working full time - but he is looking.
There’s nothing wrong with sending your child to nursery full time if you need to work, absolutely zero shame in that. However if his dad is still in the picture, currently unemployed and you are in fact still together (if I read that correctly) then how come he’s not providing childcare?
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/08/2021 08:15

You need to tell her to FUCK RIGHT OFF.

He is YOUR son.

Time to cut the cord. This woman has no positive influence on your life at all.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/08/2021 08:16

But also asking why is DS's Dad not providing childcare if he's not working?

Eddielzzard · 30/08/2021 08:16

She's a toxic waste of space. Make no mistake, your DS does not need a relationship with a grandmother who would undermine the mum child relationship like that. She has absolutely NO rights at all.

I echo changing the locks and telling nursery. She's crossed a line that there's no going back from.

PheasantsNest · 30/08/2021 08:18

She has zero rights. She sounds unhinged.

ThorsLeftNut · 30/08/2021 08:18

N no o advice really other than she would gain access via court order if she went that way.

My MIL took her nee husbands ex daughter in law (who she’s never met) to court for access to her child.
She had never met the child, the mother and had only met her nee husbands son a handful of times. She was granted the order and has regular contact.
It scares me the levels she went to when we have disagreements over my children.

I hope it never gets to that point for you OP. Stay firm with your boundaries and be confident in your decisions.

ImaginaryCat · 30/08/2021 08:19

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I would assume that if the child has a nursery place, where he's settled, it's not a good idea to relinquish this place while the dad is unemployed. If he finds a job, it can then be a bugger to find another nursery place. Or even if they hold that place, he's got to go through the settling in process all over again. Far better to keep his routine and give dad full freedom to job search and then accept a job as soon as possible.

Lalliella · 30/08/2021 08:22

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

But also asking why is DS's Dad not providing childcare if he's not working?
@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy did you not read the part about him looking for a job? Do you expect him to disturb DS’s routine by taking him out of nursery while he does this and lose the nursery place which will be needed when he’s working again?

OP some great advice on this thread. Your mum is dangerous, you need to cut all contact.

Who are the 4% voting YABU? What is wrong with people?

Confusedandshaken · 30/08/2021 08:31

She has absolutely no rights or power over you or your son. If you never take him to see her again there isn't a thing she can do to change that. That doesn't mean she can't make your life very unpleasant.

Don't respond to any more messages from her. Don't retaliate. Don't make counter threats or send messages that she can use as ammunition in the future. Go NC with her for the foreseeable future. She can't fight with you if you don't engage with her. Keep a record of every single communication she sends you.

Definitely let the nursery know that she is not allowed to pick him up. Definitely change any locks that she might have a key for.

She is clearly a great worry to you - can you get some RL support? Maybe even pay for an hours legal advice? I think some guidance from an expert in this area would be very reassuring to you.

hashbrownsandwich · 30/08/2021 08:32

May I ask where DSs father is? Is he sobeibe who is likely to fascikitate your mothers unhinged behaviour to spite you?

maddening · 30/08/2021 08:34

The only cases where GPs generally get access is where the dc have been significantly cared for by the GPs, not being visited twice a month by the mum and dc or even the occasional full day.

Personally I would go nc with someone who threatened me in that manner.

Dandy0911 · 30/08/2021 08:35

You need to stop all contact now. For the sake of you and your child.

  • contact the nursery and tell them under no circumstances to release him to her or anybody else.
  • change locks
  • change all phone numbers
  • BIN his 'first shoes' and go and get them yourself and make a lovely day out of it.
  • block her on all social media, and also block anybody who would report back to her, who you're friends with on SM.

Good luck. This woman is toxic and she cannot take your baby from you. She has no legal right.

If anything, I'd call 111 just to log that a lunatic is threatening you and your baby.

OnGoldenPond · 30/08/2021 08:36

OP, so sorry you are being subjected to this by your own mother, the one person in the world who should be caring for you and putting your welfare above all others. Thanks

I have a DD almost your age and the thought of ever treating her like that is just unthinkable. It makes me feel quite sick thinking of what she has done to you.

I honestly think this is so bad that you should go completely NC with her and tell any carers such as nursery and other relatives in writing that she must never be allowed contact with him. Tell them about her threats. Nursery should not be releasing him to any person not specifically authorised by you anyway, but it is possible that if she is convincing and pushy she could catch them off guard. Make sure they are fully aware of the situation.

She has zero chance of even being allowed to bring a case to court to apply for access given she has only been seeing him less than once a week on average so don't lose any sleep about that. You should definitely inform the police and show them those texts, that constitutes threatening behaviour and they should take it seriously.

Good luck and try not to worry sweetheart. I hope the fact you posted your OP so late at night doesn't mean this has been keeping you awake. Be kind to yourself and share the load of this with your DP.

So sorry you don't have the Mum that you deserve.

Confusedandshaken · 30/08/2021 08:37

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

But also asking why is DS's Dad not providing childcare if he's not working?
When my DH was made redundant his mantra was that while he didn't have a job his job was to find a job. He did the school run every morning and then spent the rest of the day applying for jobs, contacting connections in his industry, seeing old colleagues, visiting agencies, making sure people knew he was still around, still in touch with the business and was available. It took three months but at the end of that time he had declined a couple of roles and was able to pick from two good offers. He wouldn't have had any of those if he had stayed at home with the DC.
ToykotoLosAngeles · 30/08/2021 08:38

My DS carried on at nursery when I was made redundant last year. Should I have pulled him and lost the place for the sake of a few weeks? Hmm

Anyway, she is loopy. I would cut her off, immediately. There are no "games". Keep absolutely everything she sends.

EmeraldShamrock · 30/08/2021 08:43

Your DC is yours, she is toxic.

PopcornMuncher · 30/08/2021 08:48

She is unhinged. She will poison your child's mind against you as they grow up. Stop contact and block on all avenues. As pp says don't let her in your house and if she starts causing a scene call police to remove her. Change locks if she has a key. Never see her again.

MushMonster · 30/08/2021 08:48

Nope, she cannot possibly take your son.
You do not need to worry about that, at all!
As OP said, make sure her name is not included in the list of people who can pick him up from the nursery.
And, if you ever brave seeing her, be there with your son.
You cannot feel guilty for doing the best for your son, by the way. Working full time is nothing wrong, at all!

I hope your DH finds a job soon.

SW1amp · 30/08/2021 08:55

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

But also asking why is DS's Dad not providing childcare if he's not working?
Where I live, there is a 6month wait for a nursery place

If they took their DS out of nursery, the place would go to someone on the waiting list
So if her DP got a job which said ‘start next week’, he wouldn’t be able to take it, because there would be a 6 month wait for a place to come available again

ClemDanFango · 30/08/2021 09:02

Your mother is vile. Block her number and don’t look back, you can’t have someone that nuts around your child.

gogohm · 30/08/2021 09:05

There's lot of very dramatic and assertive statements here but it comes down to details.

It is correct grandparents have no automatic right to apply for visiting rights but they have been awarded in certain circumstances - how much support eg weekend childcare, financial, practical has she given you? Is dc's father in their lives? These are taken into account eg if you have been resident with her until recently and she has bought all the baby stuff etc then the courts might be more sympathetic - it's certainly worth trying to defuse the situation rather than testing it!

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