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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can she take my baby?

198 replies

Helpppmeeee · 30/08/2021 02:25

My mother and myself have had a complicated relationship my whole life, but she loves my DS (1) to bits. He sees her once every one-two weeks, usually when we pop in.

She has criticised my parenting since the get-go, but tonight I’m feeling a hurt and fear like none other.

She took DS out for the day and went to get him new shoes which she didn’t tell me about. It’s his first proper pair of shoes that were fitted and she posted it all over her Facebook. When I explained I felt hurt by this as I’d wanted to be the one to get him his first pair of shoes, she hit me back with ‘well you don’t spend any time with him anyway and he’s happy with me.’

I’m a mother working full-time and so is she. She doesn’t provide any childcare and he goes to nursery during the week. They have the odd days out together and this was the first one in a while.

I decided to buy some boots for my son as I was doing his clothes shopping and she absolutely flipped at me because she had bought him new shoes. I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but...

Tonight when I told her that she was being nasty and I needed some space she told me she would be seeing my son whether I like it or not, that she can dictate when she sees him and how often and for how long, that he will be staying round her house when she wants, and when I said she couldn’t dictate this because I am his mother, she became threatening.

She told me ‘let the games begin’ and ‘just watch me’.

She told me to ‘watch my back’ and now I’m panicking that she is going to do something like try to take my son from me.

He is happy, healthy and loved, we have a really close bond and although I hate working full time and often feel guilty for it, I make up for it when I am home and on the weekends when we always take him out to do something. Needs must as I am the only provider.

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

OP posts:
Mumoblue · 30/08/2021 07:22

I would take this extremely seriously. She has demonstrated that she is not safe to be around your son. I would absolutely take this as a threat and remove access.

Whydidimarryhim · 30/08/2021 07:24

Hi op keep your son away from her. She sounds like a narcissist = what an entitled bitch.
I’d say she has abused you over the years but it’s become normal.,
That is - you don’t see it as abuse - but others do.
Look up the boiled frog analogy.
Block her - you can reason with unreasonable
Do you have a partner or someone who has your back - we have your back.
Look at The stately homes thread on here.
She has no boundaries.
I feel angry on your behalf.
Please protect yourself and your child.
She seems the type of woman who will turn your child against you over time.
Look up narcissistic personality types.
Me me me.
Also if you reduce or go low contact watch out for flying moneys - these are other adults the narcissist talk about you too and then they could along and talk to you about your mother and how hurt she is.
Have you ever had any attention from her?
How far away does she live - if she calls round keep her outside or tell her you will meet her in a cafe -
💐

LaBellina · 30/08/2021 07:26

If working full time and putting your baby in the nursery is making you a bad mum then nearly 100% of all mothers in some countries would be bad mums. Your DM is a nasty piece of working trying to guilt trip you when in fact she herself is undeserving even of the title mother after how she has treated you. Don’t fall for her bullshit, go completely no contact with her.

LagunaBubbles · 30/08/2021 07:27

Well you need to stop her seeing him unsupervised immediately.

SheliasBroomIsLonger · 30/08/2021 07:27

I just wanted to pick up on something

"well you don’t spend any time with him anyway and he’s happy with me." I’m a mother working full-time

The vast majority of mothers work full time. When your child goes to school the vast majority of the staff teach full time. You are not leaving your child in a locked cupboard but in a nursery where he will be surrounded by other children whose parents also work. He will be stimulated and interact with other children of his age.

Stop letting your Mother treat you this way. As this has not come out of the blue for you I would suggest you have a look on The Stately Homes thread on the relationships board and see if any of it applies to your relationship with your Mother www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4265761-June-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes

I feel you are stuck in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and have an unhealthy relationship with your Mother. It will feel normal to you because it is all you have ever known.

If a friend threatened to take your child you would cut them off immediately. It is the lowest of the low to threaten to take a child away from a parent. You need to unpack her behaviour and change your own. Stop seeing her, take the steps posted by other posters. And remember, your son loves you more than anyone.

DrSbaitso · 30/08/2021 07:27

She's a loon. Don't let her see him, she might kidnap him.

Oogachuckachopsy · 30/08/2021 07:28

Others may have suggested this but I’d go so far as to lodge it with the police and say you’re fearful she will attempt to abduct him. If she ever then makes any outlandish claims to social services, you’ve already got something on file.

Oogachuckachopsy · 30/08/2021 07:28

Also, cut her off. She’s insane and playing mummies again.

AlrightThereSkippy · 30/08/2021 07:30

Echoing what everyone else says. Generally, grandparents have no automatic rights to see their grandchildren. They only see them if the parents allow it. I'd also go NC. She sounds unhinged and a bit of a bitch. Stand up for yourself and your kid SmileCakeFlowers

Seesawmummadaw · 30/08/2021 07:32

Has she always been like this?

She said don’t text again so I wouldn’t be texting at all.

CovidCorvid · 30/08/2021 07:33

Sympathies.

I had a similar lunatic mother who spent some time chipping away at me for being a working mjm (even though she had been). As Dd got older she would say stuff like “Dd told me she’s very sad because you don’t play with her enough in the evenings”. Recently Dd told me that my mother would coerce her into saying stuff like this. It’s not that Dd was volunteering the information.

I said to my mum well of course I can’t stop and play if I’m cooking dinner, stacking the dishwasher, etc but she does get time and attention later in the evening and at weekends. I also recently found out that my mum used to make Dd write letters to me saying how sad she was and how neglected she felt. Mum told Dd to give me the letters but Dd felt bad and didn’t like what she’d been made to write and used to rip them up.

I’m just saying this to warn you about how manipulative and damaging your mum has the potential to be as your ds gets older.

I went NC with my mum. She used to ring social services and tell them I was being neglectful, etc. They soon pegged her as a nasty, vexatious narc.

But no, as a grandparent your mother has no rights. I’d really recommend going NC or she will make the rest of your life a misery. No loving mother threatens their adult dc like this. You wouldn’t put up with a friend treating you like this.

Heronwatcher · 30/08/2021 07:34

No she can’t force anything. Stick to your guns. No unsupervised visits. Tell nursery she seems to be having a mini-breakdown and not to let her collect him. No keys to your house- if she has them already change the locks or get a security lock for the inside. If it were me I would be going completely non contact at least for the time being too.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 30/08/2021 07:35

Wowzers. Please don't wait for the next attack/missive/move from her which would just escalate things further.

Change locks.
Get nursery on alert.
Get something on file with police.
Speak to son's father ('s family) if you're in touch with them at all.

If / when she gets back in touch explain that your exchange was totally inappropriate so you'll be having a bit of time apart from her and you OP will be in touch with her when you're ready to meet. Her reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.

oblada · 30/08/2021 07:37

I'm a little confused - who is 'we' if you are the only provider?
Where is dad and what is he saying/doing about that?

To answer your question - no realistically she cannot force contact like this so just cut her out of your life.

Ckzoaa · 30/08/2021 07:38

I'd stop contact now because if she's that possessive over YOUR son this will only get worse over time.

TrampolineForMrKite · 30/08/2021 07:38

Go NC, as PP said inform the nursery and TBH, I would think about getting some advice about such threats from non-emergency police. I’d want that on record. She sounds unhinged. She wouldn’t be seeing my son again.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/08/2021 07:38

Stop all contact.
Tell the nursery and anyone else that she does not have permission to collect or see him and if they let her take him you will call the police.
Block her number and if she shows up at your door call the police.
She sounds incredibly controlling and emotionally abusive.

BakewellGin1 · 30/08/2021 07:39

DH's Mother was exactly like this when I had first DS and was 24.
Threatened me with all sorts, screamed and shouted in the street, text me up to 40 times a day, followed me round shops and so on...

I did the following
We went NC at all (I had previously tried to accommodate a relationship but that went south pretty sharply)
I logged all threats with none emergency police line
Told nursery staff (and school reception staff/safeguarding lead at school)
Also reiterated in writing that DS was not to be picked up by ANYONE else but me or DH
Changed our route to school
Changed our supermarket shop time (she used to follow me shouting abuse)
Blocked her on all numbers/social media etc

Ten years on and I don't regret NC for one minute and either does DH

Helpppmeeee · 30/08/2021 07:39

I’m with my DS’ dad. He is aware of everything going on and is firm. He doesn’t work at the moment as he lost his job, which is why I’m working full time - but he is looking.

OP posts:
Lubeyboobyalt · 30/08/2021 07:42

Please please read 'psychopath free' by Jackson McKenzie and preferably cut her completely off. Unhinged and toxic and not an example you want in your sons life.

NantesElephant · 30/08/2021 07:42

She sounds awful, I’m so sorry for you Flowers

You’ve had some good advice here.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/08/2021 07:47

She is unhinged. Of course she cannot take your baby. If she has a key to your house I would change the locks and keep her at a distance.

Hunkydory99 · 30/08/2021 07:48

We’ve had an issue with our in laws in the past although mainly my MIL who quite frankly came across as bat shit. My FIL couldn’t see the issue at the beginning, suppose it was because he wasn’t around much, so he backed her until I think he too realised how unhinged she was becoming.

She wasn’t as outwardly threatening as your mum but along the same lines of this being some kind of ‘game’ she could win. She went to a solicitor and was promptly informed that she had no automatic rights and looking after our DC once a week didn’t constitute a special relationship (BIL told us)

We had to make alternative childcare arrangements, inform the nursery that no one was to collect her but us, we received ‘anonymous’ letters about how our DC had been seen at nursery and how amazing she was and what brilliant grandparents she must have as a result (subtle) which was all fictional
We had to inform the police when threats were made - i genuinely wouldn’t have put it past her to kidnap DC

We both informed our employers after there was some suggestion they would be contacted and told what awful parents we were etc

We had to go NC for some time. MIL got help for her mental health and slowly my husband has been facilitating a relationship between them but obviously never left in sole charge. I tend to keep out of it, I still struggle to deal with the fall out form it all.

I would consider like other posters have suggested going NC for a while. I’d inform nursery as well as the police just so they have it on record. Have you got a real life friend you can confide in for support? I know it’s not an easy time especially from someone whose meant to love and support you.

Shirleyphallus · 30/08/2021 07:55

She sounds awful, lots of good advice on here

Lemonsandlemonade · 30/08/2021 07:55

Wow how awful for you. Please consider no contact with her.

Your mum has no parental responsibility you could stop her from seeing him if you want at any time which is what I would do.

Don’t reply to her in anyway shape or form. Contact the police and also the nursery to inform them and have a record of her actions.

If she was to take your son without consent then put would have to ring the police.

Please don’t let her see him or you again.

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