Can she take my baby?

[Helpppmeeee]

My mother and myself have had a complicated relationship my whole life, but she loves my DS (1) to bits. He sees her once every one-two weeks, usually when we pop in.

She has criticised my parenting since the get-go, but tonight I’m feeling a hurt and fear like none other.

She took DS out for the day and went to get him new shoes which she didn’t tell me about. It’s his first proper pair of shoes that were fitted and she posted it all over her Facebook. When I explained I felt hurt by this as I’d wanted to be the one to get him his first pair of shoes, she hit me back with ‘well you don’t spend any time with him anyway and he’s happy with me.’

I’m a mother working full-time and so is she. She doesn’t provide any childcare and he goes to nursery during the week. They have the odd days out together and this was the first one in a while.

I decided to buy some boots for my son as I was doing his clothes shopping and she absolutely flipped at me because she had bought him new shoes. I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but...

Tonight when I told her that she was being nasty and I needed some space she told me she would be seeing my son whether I like it or not, that she can dictate when she sees him and how often and for how long, that he will be staying round her house when she wants, and when I said she couldn’t dictate this because I am his mother, she became threatening.

She told me ‘let the games begin’ and ‘just watch me’.

She told me to ‘watch my back’ and now I’m panicking that she is going to do something like try to take my son from me.

He is happy, healthy and loved, we have a really close bond and although I hate working full time and often feel guilty for it, I make up for it when I am home and on the weekends when we always take him out to do something. Needs must as I am the only provider.

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

I agree with letting your health visitor know or the non emergency police line to record her threats incase she tries to pull some kind of stunt because she sounds batshit! Cut all contact, she sounds odious!

All of the above. Crazy bitch.

I would very seriously consider going no contact with her. She sounds completely unhinged and unstable, and who knows what she might do if you allow your ds to keep seeing her. She has no right whatsoever to take your child from you, but it sounds as though she will do whatever she can to make your life difficult.

Record everything she has said. Do this asap so there is no way she can claim you made it up. This thread should function as a record actually. Keep every single text, email, etc that she has sent you. Screenshot all comments on FB, etc.

Stop all contact with her.
Tell her in writing (letter, text, email) you are doing this and that attempts by her to contact you will be interpreted as harassment and reported to police. Block her number. Block her on SM.

Do not get in contact with her ever again for any reason. If she tries to contact you, inform the police.

Tell nursery under no circumstances is she to be allowed any contact with DS. Tell them you are never going to authorise her to pick him up or visit or hang around to see him. If she shows up at the nursery, no matter how plausible her story, no matter what she threatens, you are to be contacted immediately (and you must call the police).

Tell any/ all of your relatives and friends whom she is in contact with and who your DS might have contact with that she is to have no contact with DS and no photos of him are to be sent.

Change your locks. Get a Ring doorbell.

Your mother is unhinged and potentially dangerous.

She’s being pretty nasty and I’d suggest a LOT of distance. Are you living with her though? I’m not sure why she is doing or thinks she can do so much with him whether you want her to or not but regardless she sounds horrible.

NC

I'd never be spoken too like that.

Fucking outrageous.

Yeah that would be the last time she had my child by herself again and it is unlikely the weekly visits would continue.

The boots thing alone would warrant that, let alone the sinister threats.

I agree that it is likely you will have a social services call happening in your future. I can guarantee it won't be unusual for them. I agree that you should let nursery know that she has made threats and that she is not allowed any access to him. I'd put it in writing, ideally something like email so you have a record.

In the UK grandparents have no automatic legal right to see a grandchild.

They can however, apply to court for a court order that contact is in the 'best interest of the child'.

The court looks at a variety of factors in making this decision, but ultimately the law is very clear that parents are entitled to parent as they wish, and unless there is a very compelling reason otherwise, grandparents are sent packing.

She sounds incredibly controlling and spiteful. I agree with PPs, tell the nursery she is not to collect or see your child, change locks, tell the home visitor, keep a record of her behaviour and threats.

What a horrible woman, I'm so sorry OP

She can't take your son from you OP, and frankly she sounds unhinged. She has no rights whatsoever, and if I were you I would be telling her that and then backing away for some time - and unless her attitude changes then I would be going completely nc. What a nasty woman!

Also, if you are still hurt about the shoes thing (not surprising at all), you could donate them to a charity shop or put them away in the loft and buy your own first pair that he wears.

When I explained I felt hurt by this as I’d wanted to be the one to get him his first pair of shoes, she hit me back with ‘well you don’t spend any time with him anyway and he’s happy with me.’

This is absolutely textbook emotional abuse and manipulation. First, she ignores what you've said about your hurt feelings (pretending your legitimate complaint doesn't exist or is too unreasonable to even address), then she attacks you with a lie designed to trigger your (unfounded) guilt about working, and finally implies he's not happy with you without outright saying it. All in less than 15 words, you're dealing with a professional abuser here.

That, honestly, should be enough to take a long break from her, but given that she has outright threatened to take your child away from you (something she has no legal ability to do), I would treat this with the utmost seriousness.

Send her a message saying if she thinks she can intimidate you with outrageous demands and threats, she is sorely mistaken. You are immediately revoking her access to your home and all contact with your son. Nursery has been advised and the police will be called if she attempts to remove your son from their care. Mean this.

Tell her you won't be engaging with her again until she offers you a full apology that makes it clear she understands what she's done wrong, and seeks professional help for her obvious control issues.

Once she shows a consistent ability to treat you with respect again over a period of several months, you may consider reintroducing supervised contact with your son. If she responds disrespectfully to these boundaries, you'll be blocking all contact with no guarantees of ever reopening it.

She has major, major boundary issues. You need to put up walls as she has shown a complete unwillingness to behave with basic respect towards you.

Sorry I should add that I post from experience- my in laws applied to court for this exact kind of order.

I can tell you that there is absolutely no coming back from a threat like this, it shatters all trust completely.

My in laws were dramatic, nasty, verbally abusive, strange people. We put up with all kinds of outrageous behaviour in an effort to include them in our family.

But there is no coming back from a threat like this. We have no spoken to them since and never will again.

You have to put your own child first, she's blown it now.

In all kindness, you could probably also benefit considerably from talking to a counsellor about your relationship with your mother. That you would even question whether you are somehow at fault or whether she has a right to say what she has shows that your understanding of healthy adult relationships is compromised.

This is in no way your fault – you clearly understand that your mother has some issues, but you do not seem to see how serious they are. Learning what healthy relationships look and feel like will be revelatory and empowering for you.

Luckily I have it all in writing.

So sorry you have to deal with this, what an utterly vile woman

She has no rights over him and absolutely can’t take him.

Make sure his nursery know she is specifically prohibited from collecting him regardless of what she says.

Do not ever let her have unsupervised contact.

Consider whether it’s in your and your son’s interests to cut contact with her completely.

I'm not in the UK but can you report this to the police, it is clearly a threat. I'd never see or speak to her again.

I doubt that you've had a complicated relationship, she's been abusive more like. You're just waking up to realising that you've had an abusive childhood, but at the same time, you haven't shook off the emotional effects of that. It sounds as if your self worth is still low because if her. I lived to regret letting my DD build a relationship with my Mum, I wish I'd cut her off when these signs started. Breaking free of her is the best thing that you could do for you and your DD. She has no rights to her. Don't get into arguments with her. Just shut her down and move on with your life.

Please separate yourself from her.

Tell the nursery no one but you for pick ups.

Never use her for childcare however desperate you are.

If you can afford it, get some counselling to support you getting free of this horrible woman.

Her communication is extreme and chaotic. Has she ever had a mental health assessment and/or is she a heavy drinker?

I don't think you will make any progress arguing with her. Just state your boundaries and hold them.

"Mum, I am only going to respond when you speak to me respectfully. You know perfectly well you have no legal right to see my son without my full agreement, and if you continue to make threats I will block you. To be clear, you are no longer welcome at my house and I won't be coming to see you again until you've apologised and started behaving in a civil way. You will no longer be allowed to see X at nursery or take him anywhere. I love you and truly believe you need professional help because the way you are acting is not healthy. Getting it would be the best path towards having a relationship with me and X in the future."

I think your mother is not right in the head.Avoid her.

Cut off contact with your mother. Report her to the police, that way it's been logged and they can start building up a picture if something else happens.
Make sure you contact your nursery and let them know that your mother isn't allowed to collect DS.

I would absolutely nothing to do with her ever again.

Stop responding. She doesn't have automatic rights to her grandson. You can stop her seeing him any time you want.

Don't panic.

Grandparents don't have rights, as such, so she's likely to get laughed at if she tries to take him from you.
In the meantime I would agree with everyone saying you should cut contact and cease allowing her to have any time with him on her own.

That's a very odd tone for a mature, grown woman - a grandmother! - to take. She sounds as if she's aping TV shows. I agree it sounds as if your relationship is more than just 'complicated'. You have all the power here, every bit of it - which she knows, hence her extreme threats to try and pull you into line - but you don't seem to know it.

Don't engage with her any further on this. Change the locks if she has a key. Tell nursery ds is not to be released to her under any circumstances (show the messages). Do not contact her. If she contacts you, send a stuck-record message, the same every time: 'After the threats you have made regarding ds, it is no longer appropriate for you to have contact with him or me.' Only re-engage if she shows genuine insight. If she harasses you in any way, take the steps you would take against any harasser.

I also think you should tell your GP what's going on, partly to be put on the path to therapy (forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems going private may not be an option for you?), partly as another - hopefully supportive - witness to all this.

Is ds' father in the picture?