Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can she take my baby?

198 replies

Helpppmeeee · 30/08/2021 02:25

My mother and myself have had a complicated relationship my whole life, but she loves my DS (1) to bits. He sees her once every one-two weeks, usually when we pop in.

She has criticised my parenting since the get-go, but tonight I’m feeling a hurt and fear like none other.

She took DS out for the day and went to get him new shoes which she didn’t tell me about. It’s his first proper pair of shoes that were fitted and she posted it all over her Facebook. When I explained I felt hurt by this as I’d wanted to be the one to get him his first pair of shoes, she hit me back with ‘well you don’t spend any time with him anyway and he’s happy with me.’

I’m a mother working full-time and so is she. She doesn’t provide any childcare and he goes to nursery during the week. They have the odd days out together and this was the first one in a while.

I decided to buy some boots for my son as I was doing his clothes shopping and she absolutely flipped at me because she had bought him new shoes. I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but...

Tonight when I told her that she was being nasty and I needed some space she told me she would be seeing my son whether I like it or not, that she can dictate when she sees him and how often and for how long, that he will be staying round her house when she wants, and when I said she couldn’t dictate this because I am his mother, she became threatening.

She told me ‘let the games begin’ and ‘just watch me’.

She told me to ‘watch my back’ and now I’m panicking that she is going to do something like try to take my son from me.

He is happy, healthy and loved, we have a really close bond and although I hate working full time and often feel guilty for it, I make up for it when I am home and on the weekends when we always take him out to do something. Needs must as I am the only provider.

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 30/08/2021 12:07

Your mother is unhinged!

BeaBeaBuzz · 30/08/2021 12:09

I would block all constant and ensure nursery were aware

BeaBeaBuzz · 30/08/2021 12:10

*contact

Sexnotgender · 30/08/2021 12:14

She’s clearly unhinged.

You need to be a step ahead of her and protect yourself and your son.

I’d inform the police and your health visitor so they have a record of her behaviour.

Liverbird77 · 30/08/2021 12:18

I would laugh in her face then cut all contact. It seems she loves your son but I would worry that she'd be saying poisonous things about you to him.

pointythings · 30/08/2021 12:18

I second everyone who has said go no contact, block her on everything and alert the nursery that she is not to collect him, only you or your DH. She can indeed apply to the court, but she's unlikely to get anywhere - you are clearly a happy, functional family and there is no precedent involving a special bond between your mother and her grandson.

Also don't feel guilty about working full time. Lots of women do and still have fulfilling, bonded, loving relationships with their DC. You're keeping your family financially secure - this is a good thing.

ElsieMc · 30/08/2021 16:12

Thanks for this DifferentHair. Sorry you have been through this. We have been on different sides of the family justice system but our experiences demonstrate the reality of the adversarial family justice process rather than the perception.

EKGEMS · 30/08/2021 16:22

Don't for a second believe mummy dearest's unhinged ranting-there's no way on gods green earth she will get her hooks into your sweet baby. If you can access counseling via your employer I would-I did after my abusive father was diagnosed with dementia along with other unnecessary family drama and highly recommend it so you can discuss boundaries and maybe going NC

MaryTalbot · 30/08/2021 16:47

Stop contacting her. Be polite but civil
With demands - think think think that ANY text message you send can be used in court.

So she demands contact you say ‘listen mum this isn’t a healthy relationship at the moment and we need to talk boundaries. I’m johns mum and you seem to think you are. The lines have become blurred. I’m a busy full time working parent.’ And back away.

If she flips out over text keep it sit on it post it in here but always reply in a calm measured way.

Eg I’m sorry you feel like that mum but I’m johns mum and I will decide on the key things in his life etc

MaryTalbot · 30/08/2021 16:49

You see I would say don’t block get evidence that she is unstable via voice and phone messages, act really reasonable and let her show herself up!

TurquoiseDragon · 30/08/2021 17:26

@Helpppmeeee

If I report to the police, will they alert social services?
I'm not sure, but even if they do, you can get help from them, so don't see them as the enemy.

They'll want to see that you and your DP are caring for him appropriately, that's all. So if they do visit, just make sure it's a clean house (doesn't matter if a few toys are out), food in the fridge/freezer, clean clothing and bed linen, etc. Just the usual stuff. In fact, any contct might just be a phone call.

And you would be able to discuss your mother with them, her threats, etc. Because if your mother is playing games, I'd expect a call to SS anyway, and this way she'll get pegged as a malicious caller.

And yes, I agree with the precautions mentioned by other posters.

EG inform the nursery that you and DP are the only ones to collect, and why, so if they get a call from someone claiming to be you authorising collection, they'll just refuse it.

No unsupervised contact right now, in fact no contact would be preferable after those threats.

Chain on the door and change the locks if necessary. I would not put it past her to have a key even though you say she hasn't.

pointythings · 30/08/2021 17:52

I also second those who say don't see Social Services as the enemy. I had brief involvement with them after my alcoholic husband threatened to kill me and I had him removed by the police. They were incredibly supportive and because I was clear that he was not ever, ever coming back, they closed our file. If they do get involved, you have evidence that your mum is batshit crazy.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/08/2021 17:57
Flowers
DrSbaitso · 30/08/2021 18:00

Slight tangent, but does your lunatic mother always talk like a badly written Goodfellas character?

DontBeAHaterDear · 30/08/2021 18:03

As others have said, make sure nursery know not to allow her to pick up your son ever from them. This is a safeguarding issue and they will take this seriously. Keep that screenshot and any others of messages she sends you. She doesn’t get to dictate what contact she has with your child, you do.

If she goes to social services to report you for mistreating your son then those messages are proof. There’s also plenty of people (nursery staff, HV, people that you know) who will be able to report that your son is happy and healthy and SW will soon see your “mother” for what she is.

What she said in those messages- I’m embarrassed for her, who the fuck does she think she is?! Stupid, nasty bully. Her comment to you on Facebook about how little time you spend with your baby (in her view, not reality) will have been seen by others and they will think she’s a dickhead too.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 30/08/2021 18:04

Wow she's unhinged. Police will only reprt to ss if they think your child is in danger, which it soundsvto me you're doing everything you can for him so don't worry about that. Even if ss did come out it would be just to make sure he's safe, which you're keeping him safe so 🤷‍♀️

lunar1 · 30/08/2021 18:19

I would inform the police, SS, HV and nursery. Change your locks and never leave the doors unlocked when you are in the house.

Those texts sound completely deranged and I would leave no stone unturned. I wouldn't block her number but I would get rid of any access to your social media, it might even provoke more text messages. The more evidence you have the better.

Do not tell her you are taking any action, you need to get in first with the relevant agencies.

Justilou1 · 31/08/2021 01:01

My mum was similar @Helpppmeeee. I wasn’t as young as you were, but it was still an emotionally tricky situation as she was super generous with my kids, and obviously adored them - BUT, her kind of love was very conditional. I realised that as soon as they began to form opinions of their own, and try to have interests that she didn’t like or approve of, she would be controlling, angry, humiliating, aggressive or dismissive. She tried to “split” the kids by playing favourites and also being manipulative with them. (Trying to guilt-trip them, telling them to lie to me, trying to take them in her car after she had been disqualified from driving and had no car seats, etc) Her behaviour was psychologically and physically dangerous. It wasn’t fair on the kids. I knew that as they grew up, she would repeat the horrible patterning she had with my brother and I and I just wasn’t willing to risk it. She wouldn’t listen to me, but she DID listen to my husband. He made it very clear that she was not having access to our kids unless supervised by one of us and any manipulative shit would result in us all walking out or her being asked to leave. She was never perfect, but it did improve when we moved a long way from her.

Cheeseplantboots · 31/08/2021 01:26

I think it’s all been Sid already but if you can move I would be doing that. She sounds awful and I’d be really worried.. she has absolutely no legal rights at all to your son.

Sadiecow · 31/08/2021 01:46

She most certainly deserves a call from the police.

What an absolute bitch.

WaterIsBest · 31/08/2021 01:55

Write down everything she says with the date and time

Keep every text message and voicemail and back them up
Do not play her game
So not reply to silly threats, No response in anyway
Dont act afraid or worried,
Just say ok and walk away

If she carries on, walk away and go ‘No contact’

Whenigrowupiwanttobea · 04/09/2021 19:51

Op! You need to keep a log of all this aggressive comments. Keep the texts and screenshot etc. She is unhinged and dangerous! Legally in the UK she has no rights over her grandchild so she is making threats which she won't be able to follow through on legally. But if she ever did something such a sroving the child you would have solid evidence to back you up!!! I would absolutely have no further contact with her ever!! You can't go on living under the constant threat of her bizarre behaviour. Think of yourself and your little one. X

Di11y · 04/09/2021 20:17

I'd contact the police to record what she said. Then if she ever contacts social services about you, you're on the front foot.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread