Can she take my baby?

[Helpppmeeee]

My mother and myself have had a complicated relationship my whole life, but she loves my DS (1) to bits. He sees her once every one-two weeks, usually when we pop in.

She has criticised my parenting since the get-go, but tonight I’m feeling a hurt and fear like none other.

She took DS out for the day and went to get him new shoes which she didn’t tell me about. It’s his first proper pair of shoes that were fitted and she posted it all over her Facebook. When I explained I felt hurt by this as I’d wanted to be the one to get him his first pair of shoes, she hit me back with ‘well you don’t spend any time with him anyway and he’s happy with me.’

I’m a mother working full-time and so is she. She doesn’t provide any childcare and he goes to nursery during the week. They have the odd days out together and this was the first one in a while.

I decided to buy some boots for my son as I was doing his clothes shopping and she absolutely flipped at me because she had bought him new shoes. I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but...

Tonight when I told her that she was being nasty and I needed some space she told me she would be seeing my son whether I like it or not, that she can dictate when she sees him and how often and for how long, that he will be staying round her house when she wants, and when I said she couldn’t dictate this because I am his mother, she became threatening.

She told me ‘let the games begin’ and ‘just watch me’.

She told me to ‘watch my back’ and now I’m panicking that she is going to do something like try to take my son from me.

He is happy, healthy and loved, we have a really close bond and although I hate working full time and often feel guilty for it, I make up for it when I am home and on the weekends when we always take him out to do something. Needs must as I am the only provider.

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

I felt sick reading those texts. How can a mother speak to their child like that?

Well done for keeping notes of everything.

I agree with PP; withdraw all contact but don’t make a song and dance about it. Just do it.

I’d consider changing nurseries or any usual activities/clubs you go to with your DS too. Don’t announce it, just do it.

If anyone, mother or not, spoke to me that way or tried to manipulate and control my child’s life I’d be furious.

Get fierce OP.

OP, first of all- There is no chance she will have a custody of your son. She has no rights even with the best lawyers.
She is a nasty manipulative person. You need to cut contact with her. It is also in the best interest of your child to be protected from her influence. Now he is adorable baby, in several years time he will have a proper personalitt won't always agree/please her she will start being manipulative and nasty to him.
Inform her that you don't appreciate her threats and abuse and won't be in contact going forward.
I would consider resuming the relationship only if you receive a full and sincere apology. I have a feeling it won't happen as the woman who was capable of threatening her own child this way can't see any fault in her own actions.

OP. How you deal with this is SO important as it will show your mother what you will and will not tolerate. If you do not take this seriously, your mum will keep doing and saying things like this. You need to show her once and for all that this will not be tolerated.

I'd start by making a statement to the police (non emergency) and your health visitor like a PP said. Let them know that your mum had threatened you about having access to your son whether you like it or not. Because honestly, your mum sounds dangerous. Who knows she won't report you to social services for some fake issue?

Next, I'd send a message to your mother informing her that the way she has behaved is disgusting and that you and your son won't be seeing her unless at ALL any more. Go totally NC.

This might seem harsh, but she needs to see that you are willing to sacrifice her for your relationship with your son. She needs to see that she can NOT bully you, she cant NOT see your son without your permission. She needs to see that her relationship with you son depends entirely on her relationship with you, and if she isn't nice to you or oversteps the mark again the no more access to son.

You also need to see how she behaves now. If she is apologetic and makes an effort to change then you can set boundaries in place which she is more likely to respect after seeing that you WILL actually follow through with NC threats.

Do NOT let her see your child until this has been resolved. Definitely do not let her see your child alone. As PPs said, grandparents have no rights to access kids unless they have played a big part in that child's life. The more you let her see your kid, the more she might think she's important enough to him to actually take you to court (she isn't; she'd lose, but you don't need that stress).

Please don't let her bully you or this will never end and if you don't stand up for yourself now, you don't know how much this will spiral. She might even start to turn your child against you when baby is bigger if you don't show her now that you won't take any nonsense.

She sounds unhinged and frankly downright evil. I got chills reading your OP.

In your situation I would :

Step 1
Send her a message to tell her that because she’s threatening you and even wants to kidnap your son (taking a child against parents permission is kidnapping) you sever all ties with her, she’s no longer welcome in your home and you do not want her around your DS and yourself under ANY circumstances. Don’t block her. Stupid woman might send you unhinged messages with more threats that you can screenshot and use for step 2.

Step 2
I don’t want to scare you further but in your position I would be worried about potential malicious social services reports made by her. That’s why it’s important to start building up a file. First, contact the police. Tell them you feel threatened after what she has said. Make a report, get a copy of it.
Contact the nursery as well and update them about the situation. To make sure she can’t take your DS and to make sure they know someone might try to report you to SS maliciously which might result in SS contacting them.

Step 3
Does she have a key to your home? Don’t ask it back, she could make a copy first. Change the locks first. In fact even if she doesn’t officially have a key I might change the locks just to be sure. She sounds batshit crazy and might have secretly taken one. I wouldn’t bet on it tbh.
Call the police if she shows up at your home, work or your DC’s nursery. Do NOT engage with her.

I am so sorry you have to get trough this and you just have 1 job and that’s protecting yourself and your DC. Her feelings are irrelevant and she shouldn’t have a place in your life after what she has done.

Are you in England?

If so grandparents have no legal right to contact with grandchildren. They can apply to courts for court ordered contact but that would only be considered where they have a strong existing relationship with the child. Seeing a one year old every week or so would not come close to meeting that criteria.

I would inform her once, in writing, that you do not want to hear from her again and that any further messages will be reported to the police.

Also I would call the non-emergency police line and report the threats now - it will mean it’s on record for the future if you need it.

Do you have support from a partner? And friends? Tell everybody what she has said. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed here, you’ve done nothing wrong. Everybody who is in any way in your son’s life needs to know that his “loving grandma” is batshit and not allowed any contact.

You poor thing. Your mother is a vile manipulator. Do you have anyone you can trust to offer you support? Idk if you have a partner.

I agree about contacting the police and going nc. I hadn’t thought about the HV. One thing I would do though is demand she removes all photos of your ds from social media (if you don’t want them out there). If she doesn’t, Facebook etc have to do so if you, as the parents requests it. I would also block her from all social media so that she cannot continue to see what you are up to.

I agree with a pp, I’d also ask for some counselling via your Gp. Anything, which can help you see yourself as allowed to be your own person and help you to strengthening boundaries will be good.

In the uk she has NO legal rights. In the US she could go to court but based on irregular contact would be unlikely to get given visitation.

She is totally overstepping. Yanbu about about the shoes but ultimately it is about something much bigger. She sounds abusive.

My advice;
I would phone and also email the nursery and reiterate she cannot pick him up. Only you.
Going forward never use her for childcare. Ever.
I would also stop all contact indefinitely (she sounds very mentally unwell).
If she turns up announced do not answer or engage. i would also not hesitate to phone the police if she starts shouting and screaming in the street.
If she calms down and gets perspective and apologies profusely the most i would be happy with is infrequent supervised visits.

She has no rights to your son. Don't ever see this woman again or let her see your son. She sounds dangerously unhinged

Good advice OP on making sure the nursery don't release her to your mum. I'd go no contact as well. Assume you have your son back? Call the police if you need to. X

It sounds to me like she’s threatening you with SS more than planning to snatch him away from Nursery. I’d be very concerned she could make up some malicious allegations . Keep all communications with her and yet and make sure everything is in written form.

• try

Go no contact wtth this narcissist.. Honestly do it.
She hasn't got parental responsibility.. So therefore. No rights... At all.

I would report her threats to the police, do they have a record of them, just in case she starts any more threatening tactics.

Get a ring doorbell with the camera, sorry not sure what their called.

Definitely let your sons nursery know only you pick him up and actually tell them your Mother is forbidden to do this.

You haven’t mentioned your sons Father at all. If he has any contact with your DS you need to let him know in case she targets him or his family.

People have said she will probably have worse behaviour, be aware that at some point she may become allegedly regretful and apologetic. Do not trust her. I would ask to have the post of your actual messages removed from this thread. Its shows you needed to prove the truth and shows to me what sort of treatment you had as a child.

I'm so sorry OP. I can't believe a mother would talk to her child like this.I assume you reply on her occasionally for help which makes this less simple but really she is unhinged and/or evil so this cannot continue.

Go NC. Tell nursery not to release him to anyone, if you can look to move house then do, don't tell her, then block number and Facebook etc. Non molestation from police if necessary. Good luck xx

Please report to your health visitor. Police too. You are an adult, your son is yours. She is seriously dangerous.

Has she been drinking? What a way to speak to her own daughter.

I wouldn’t go legal, you get a lawyer and then she does and it’s very expensive. You can go no contact for free.

At some point she’ll pretend she’s realised the error of her ways and has changed. It will be a lie.

Mine pretended everything was ok but it was a lie.

I'm shocked at those messages. I can't imagine treating my daughter like that.

You have had some excellent advice uptrend.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP. She sounds awful and it needs sorting. The advice on here is good. I'd definitely speak to your HV, pop in with him if you can and even your GP - more for a paper trail if needed in the future.
For your peace of mind you could consider speaking to a solicitor but she has no automatic rights.
Definitely change the locks and also be prepared that she might turn up at the nursery. Prepare the nursery for this, if they're a good team they will support you maybe by letting you in while you wait until she goes or letting your son out of a different exit. Anything that helps. You've already said you'd make sure only you could leave with him which is very sensible.

Be aware that she may backtrack and apologise as a way of wheedling herself back into your son's life. Don't fall for it.

Good luck.

@Helpppmeeee

Luckily I have it all in writing.

Is she on her own? OP, is your father still on the scene? She sounds a very sick woman.

Make sure nursery only release to you not her. You don’t need to explain just name her as an example.
Stop responding to her texts/calls. Hide her on FB etc
Carry on living your life for a few weeks and then decide what you want to do.

You poor thing. You've had lots of excellent advice and I can only reiterate that your mother sounds unhinged. You are completely right to create distance for yourself and your son, and I would be very wary of attempts to wheedle her way back into your good graces once she realises you're serious about not having contact. When you discuss with nursery it may be worth sharing a recent picture with them, so they know who to look out for?

As hard as it might feel at first, keeping someone who is this abusive towards you away from your son is absolutely the best thing for him too.

What an absolute idiot, just completely ignore her. As PPs have said tell the nursery under no circumstances are they to hand over to her.

My mum did some weird shit like this, that was the last nail in the coffin to be honest.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong just because you work and your child goes into nursery doesn't make you a bad mum and they can certainly not take your child and give him to your mother.

This is where you are going to need to be really confident and keep your head held high and proud of what you do to put food on your table to support your family.

She is wrong for saying the things she has, and I would tell her you have concerns about her behaviour and threats and the way she consistently puts you down and that you need to do what's best for you and your children and right now you don't think her being involved is positive.