Dh over reacting or me in the wrong

[Cantdorightforwrong88]

Massive row with dh tonight and I honestly cannot see what I have done wrong so not sure if dh is tired and over reacting after a day out or if I did actually do something wrong.

Back story from today, dh has been out at a sporting event, dropped him off at 8 this morning he got home at 6 ish tonight. We have 2 children dd6 and ds 14 weeks. Me and the children had a lovely day, didn't do alot, watched films, played, went for a walk to get some treats etc.

Dh came home, I got on with some jobs and sat and talked to him.

My birthday is coming up so everyone has been asking me what I want. I literally have no idea but as we had some downtime today I finally came up with something and was excited to tell dh. So I did this evening. He shot down my idea in 2 seconds flat. Not even a discussion. Just no. That's fine, i said OK and carried on doing what I was doing and said I will think of something else.

I wanted to bath the children tonight so said I would run up for a shower then call them up. He said it was a bit late so agreed we would do tomorrow. End of that discussion. I popped out to the kitchen and then came back in to say OK I will pop up for a shower. He went mad telling me i had told him 5 times already and just to go. When I argued this was the second time I had told him, I was told to F off. In front of the children. So I went upstairs and had a shower.

Came down and asked him who was putting which one to bed (we tend to take turns or do 1 child each) he didn't really say anything. Dd asked me to do story, again dh didn't say anything so I assumed he was OK with this and happy to do ds. Started to get dd ready and made ds a bottle to help him out. He then proceeded to again scream and shout that he wanted to do dad's bed as he had brought her a new book yesterday he wanted to do. I had forgotten this (apparently he had told me yesterday and this morning - I really don't remember this!) But if he had said that it wouldn't have been an issue. I challenged him on this and he again told me to F off, again in front of the children and will not talk to me.

I was really looking forward to seeing him today as we didn't really see each other much yesterday, or last week as he was working night shifts (i'm on mat leave) and now just feel like I ruined the whole evening by daring to talk to him.

Thank you everyone so much for all the messages. I have read through all of them.

'D'h got up and out for work without saying a word. I have taken the children out shopping as dd needs some back to school stuff.

H isn't due home until late tonight, not a word from him all day. I've been spending the day I between shopping thinking about what to do and how to deal with him when he gets home. I feel angry this morning rather than upset.

I will definitely read through the books suggested in the thread

@Cantdorightforwrong88 Sending you a hug and wishing you and your children peace and happiness free of abuse

I imagine you’ll get the silent treatment now. And he will expect you to apologise.
Honestly you need to find a way out. You really do,
It scares me reading your thread.

It's a control thing, to keep you in your place.

I grew up with the street angel, house devil type. Soon as he walked in the door, we were all on tenterhooks. Made my mother's life a misery.

Buy yourself the present you want! Fuck him and his "no".

Your DH doesn't sound very nice at all.

Arguing 'well' is such an important skill in a marriage - focus on the thing that is annoying you and not to make it personal. Doesn't sound like that he has this skill set.

Swearing at you in front of the children is just a non negotiable - I suspect that this was covered in your counselling sessions.

It's very easy to say 'LTB' typing on a keyboard but I don't know any more context other than what you've written. You definitely need to be explicit with your boundaries and what is unacceptable behaviour.

Good luck OP

how to deal with him when he gets home...

I don't have any advice about this, except to say that having it out with him will likely have no effect, and make you feel worse.

@AhNowTed

It's a control thing, to keep you in your place.

I grew up with the street angel, house devil type. Soon as he walked in the door, we were all on tenterhooks. Made my mother's life a misery.

Buy yourself the present you want! Fuck him and his "no".

Best birthday present would be to get rid of his nasty arse.

Op, what was the birthday present? Was it a trip somewhere/tickets/a night out? Is it a control think?
He’s a prize cunt for every aspect of this scenario, but doubly weird for thinking he has a right to tell you WHAT YOU WANT for your birthday. Wow.

Divorce him.

He's emotionally abusive. It is beginning to affect the DC.

FWIW my DH has never told me to F off in front of the children ever. Never mind twice in a day.

My EA ex sounds exactly like your H in terms of how he would speak to me and feeling like nothing I did would stop him from going off the deep end.

What do you want for your birthday?

A divorce.

I thought this too. I had a situation where I could never do anything right and he engineered arguments. Turned out he was cheating

@BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila

What do you want for your birthday?

A divorce.

Yes.

OP what's most disturbing about your posts is that initially you seemed to be unsure if you deserved this behaviour.

To be absolutely unequivocal no-one deserves this behaviour. If you'd openly cheated in front of him you wouldn't deserve it.

You've been brutalised by this bully of a man and you have lost your own compass.

Well done for having started to realise. Good that you have some financial independence.

Now you know what you need to do. If you remain in this marriage your children will grow up thinking this is normal.

Listen to the advice on this thread and get a divorce. There is no way forward with a man like this. Your life will be a million times better without him in it.

Good luck.

Get planning to leave, deal with him as you need to over the next few weeks to buy yourself some time - let him think he gets away with the way he treats you. Take your time to gather finance information, see a solicitor, tell your parents (limit who you tell though). He will 100% get nasty when he knows you'll leave him and no longer tolerate him. Don't think you can fix him or that his love for you will make him a better person - it won't. So many of us on this thread have tried that, we know it doesn't work.

theres nothign to deal with really is there-he treats you appalingly

He was in a good mood when he got back so something set him off when he got here. I said at one point that I was looking forward to seeing him and he said that I obviously wasn't as I didn't stand up to give him a cuddle or anything when he came in.

& guess what OP?
if you had stood up to give him a cuddle (because obviously he is incapable of coming to you & initiating one ... eyeroll), he would have just found something else to kick off about.

You are living with an Angry & Controlling Man. Please have a look at the link, & think of a way to get yourself a copy that he will never see -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Angry & Controlling Men like to keep their wives on the back foot, constantly second-guessing themselves, & jumping through impossible hoops as the man changes the rules on a whim, & finds ridiculous everyday things to be upset about.

This behaviour tends to escalate when major partnership events happen - moving in, getting engaged/marrried .... & definitely pregnancy & having children. He must have been doing this on some level for quite some time, as you are already questioning yourself & semi-accepting his version of events that you ruined the evening.
How did you manage that?
You didn't do anything wrong. You were not the one making a fuss about nothing & screaming "fuck off" in front of the children.

As you rightly observe, your little girl is old enough to notice the dynamic now. Do you want her growing up thinking it's normal for men to scream at women, to nit-pick & criticise them & make them walk on eggshells in their own homes?

This time, he used the children's routines as an excuse to kick off.
Soon, he will be yelling at you for serving dinner on the wrong plate, or not smiling happily enough at him when he walks in the door. Please read the Lundy Bancroft book linked above - & TELL somebody you trust in real life about this. Domestic abuse thrives in secrecy, & your DH is abusing you.

Here is a next step for you to consider too - www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

Hope you're ok OP

[quote ChargingBuck]He was in a good mood when he got back so something set him off when he got here. I said at one point that I was looking forward to seeing him and he said that I obviously wasn't as I didn't stand up to give him a cuddle or anything when he came in.

& guess what OP?
if you had stood up to give him a cuddle (because obviously he is incapable of coming to you & initiating one ... eyeroll), he would have just found something else to kick off about.

You are living with an Angry & Controlling Man. Please have a look at the link, & think of a way to get yourself a copy that he will never see -
]]

Angry & Controlling Men like to keep their wives on the back foot, constantly second-guessing themselves, & jumping through impossible hoops as the man changes the rules on a whim, & finds ridiculous everyday things to be upset about.

This behaviour tends to escalate when major partnership events happen - moving in, getting engaged/marrried .... & definitely pregnancy & having children. He must have been doing this on some level for quite some time, as you are already questioning yourself & semi-accepting his version of events that you ruined the evening.
How did you manage that?
You didn't do anything wrong. You were not the one making a fuss about nothing & screaming "fuck off" in front of the children.

As you rightly observe, your little girl is old enough to notice the dynamic now. Do you want her growing up thinking it's normal for men to scream at women, to nit-pick & criticise them & make them walk on eggshells in their own homes?

This time, he used the children's routines as an excuse to kick off.
Soon, he will be yelling at you for serving dinner on the wrong plate, or not smiling happily enough at him when he walks in the door. Please read the Lundy Bancroft book linked above - & TELL somebody you trust in real life about this. Domestic abuse thrives in secrecy, & your DH is abusing you.

Here is a next step for you to consider too - www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/[/quote]
Well said.