Dh over reacting or me in the wrong

[Cantdorightforwrong88]

Massive row with dh tonight and I honestly cannot see what I have done wrong so not sure if dh is tired and over reacting after a day out or if I did actually do something wrong.

Back story from today, dh has been out at a sporting event, dropped him off at 8 this morning he got home at 6 ish tonight. We have 2 children dd6 and ds 14 weeks. Me and the children had a lovely day, didn't do alot, watched films, played, went for a walk to get some treats etc.

Dh came home, I got on with some jobs and sat and talked to him.

My birthday is coming up so everyone has been asking me what I want. I literally have no idea but as we had some downtime today I finally came up with something and was excited to tell dh. So I did this evening. He shot down my idea in 2 seconds flat. Not even a discussion. Just no. That's fine, i said OK and carried on doing what I was doing and said I will think of something else.

I wanted to bath the children tonight so said I would run up for a shower then call them up. He said it was a bit late so agreed we would do tomorrow. End of that discussion. I popped out to the kitchen and then came back in to say OK I will pop up for a shower. He went mad telling me i had told him 5 times already and just to go. When I argued this was the second time I had told him, I was told to F off. In front of the children. So I went upstairs and had a shower.

Came down and asked him who was putting which one to bed (we tend to take turns or do 1 child each) he didn't really say anything. Dd asked me to do story, again dh didn't say anything so I assumed he was OK with this and happy to do ds. Started to get dd ready and made ds a bottle to help him out. He then proceeded to again scream and shout that he wanted to do dad's bed as he had brought her a new book yesterday he wanted to do. I had forgotten this (apparently he had told me yesterday and this morning - I really don't remember this!) But if he had said that it wouldn't have been an issue. I challenged him on this and he again told me to F off, again in front of the children and will not talk to me.

I was really looking forward to seeing him today as we didn't really see each other much yesterday, or last week as he was working night shifts (i'm on mat leave) and now just feel like I ruined the whole evening by daring to talk to him.

OP, you've had lots of good advice on here from women who've been through this (or are still going through it). I'm sure people's responses are a bit of a shock to you though, because you've been trained to put him before you, always, and you're constantly jumping around to see what you've done to 'cause' his moods.

Can I just tell you a part of my story?

I was brought up in a house where my father was physically (amongst other things) abusive. My brother and I learned to accept the battering without crying - because that would earn us another battering - and we were constantly trying to second-guess him.

Sometimes we'd cop it for saying "hello daddy" when he came home. That might be enough to trigger "get out of my sight, you little shit, I want some peace and quiet", so he'd hit us and we'd have to hide in our rooms for the rest of the evening, and we weren't allowed to eat or drink anything. Again.

The next night when he came home from work, we'd hide in our room so we didn't make daddy angry. Then he'd bang our bedroom door open, drag us out of our room and batter us for NOT saying "hello daddy" when he came home from work.

Do you see what I'm saying? An angry abuser will abuse you, no matter what you do or don't do. You literally can't win. And for the record, my dad was a serial shagger who spent a fortune on his various OW while we often didn't get fed because my mum had spent the "housekeeping money" and there was literally nothing for us to eat. He always got fed though, of course.

Although my mum didn't do much of the physical abuse, she did absolutely fuck all to protect us. Quite the opposite actually, I overheard her saying that she was glad when he battered us, because he was fine with her then as he'd burnt his temper out.

Please OP, please protect your babies.

He is a miserable, moody wanker and you and the kids would be better off without him.

My ex was like this, he was a cocaine user.

flowers

carriemoonbeams I’m so sorry your upbringing was like that & I hope you have managed to deal with the fallout as an adult 💐

He’s treating you like crap and you’re pacifying him because of the children. Tell him to leave as you are done listening to him shout and scream. He’s constantly getting away with this and you’re going to have to stand up to him or this is now the life your kids will see

This isn't going to get any better, OP. Please protect yourself and your children. He's a cunt.

Shooting down your bday idea without even a reason or discussion. Verbal abuse in front of the kids and random screaming and shouting. Does he have any nice qualities? How have you put up with it previously?

I'm so sorry this man is treating you and DC so terribly.
The reality is clear: He is a bad man, a bad husband, a bad father.
No one should swear at their partner like that, in front of DC. It is revolting. He's been out all day enjoying himself while you're looking after DC, then complains because you didn't get up to hug him when he deigned to return home (when you had baby sleeping on you). I have no words for how appalling this is.
Please start your plans to leave him OP. Start NOW. You deserve so much better than this abusive, selfish dickhead.

@CarrieMoonbeams I am so sorry about your disgraceful parents. I hope you and your brother have been able to heal x

I have told him before not to shout at me or swear at me in front of the children. he shouldnt be shouting at you at all.

Op, stay safe, get everything in order, then leave him. He sounds truly awful. How dare he treat you like this.

I am so sorry OP please recognise that he is not only abusing you but abusing your children too by swearing and screaming at their mother in front of them, they shouldn't have to grow up in such a terrifying abusive atmosphere and his behaviour could (and will most likely) escalate. Please get out. Xxx

OP Your husband is a horrible abuser, of you and your children. This is only going to get worse. He sounds very like my ex, and that's why he is an ex.

I was your DD in the early years. What I learnt was that you do everything you can to keep a man happy and not trigger his temper. I spent my childhood walking on eggshells but it was so normal to me that I took it into my adult relationships too. Not only have I dated several abusive men, to the point now I am staying single. I also always feel tense and worried if anyone is in a bit of a mood (male or female). I automatically think it’s something I’ve done and feel stressed until they’re ok with me again. I know logically that 99% of the time it isn’t me, but it doesn’t stop those feelings because they’re so ingrained. I will do almost anything to avoid conflict and it’s not a healthy way to be. I’ve suffered anxiety, panic attacks etc. And I do think it’s all linked.

When you’re a small child an angry grown man is absolutely terrifying. Please get her away from him. Let her feel safe and happy in her own home.

I'm quite concerned about the fact that you had to actually ask if you had done something wrong here. I think you need to get away from this man.

This. The biggest tell for me is that you have to ask whether you're in the wrong or not. It shows that he has been manipulating and abusing you for a prolonged time, otherwise you would know instantly that shouting and aggression is categorically wrong, doubly so in front of children.

Keep the financial independence, quietly make plans to leave. Do not get pregnant again.

@Bluntness100

That’s really bad.

Op I mean this gently, is he seeing someone else?

I'm afraid that was my thought.

My ex became really nasty-I think hoping that I wuld initiate a split.

Whatever the reason, his behaviour is wrong and inexcusable.

But this is on of the things he moans about it is that he doesn't get enough affection from me at the moment.

jealousy is kicking in, as for having an anger problem that you think you should be managing from him

whats really upsetting is you said what you wanted for your birthday and he shot you down in flames

@CarrieMoonbeams, I'm so sorry that you were not protected by your mother or other family.

Ex H was abused by his parents and learned this was how families behaved. I was determined to leave to break the cycle and show dc that his behaviour wasn't normal.

I am extremely sorry OP but he is an abuser.

He's acting like he wants out of this marriage.

Don't allow this to happen to your little girl. Don't train her to be a man pleasing doormat, because that's what she's learning now and it will just set her up to accept abuse and ill treatment in her adult relationships

I wouldn't assume he's seeing someone else, I'd assume he feels pushed out by the baby. He got angry because he wanted attention from you when he got in and you were giving the baby attention - he said as much himself. It's pretty pathetic to be jealous of his own baby. He really needs to grow up. Was he the same when you had your first?

@rwalker

I don't know choses at fault but the whole situation seems micro managed . TBH would of found it hard work and he's snapped .

Your posts are frequently 'odd' but this kind of crap is harmful to a woman who has a husband gaslighting her. Behave.

You didn't do anything wrong and I agree with others that he's an abuser.
You're the proverbial cat that gets the kicking.
Your poor DD.
If you don't put a stop to this it will get worse because he will know he can get away with it.

Is he bullying you into sex too OP? No need to answer but if he isn't yet that's probably next on the menu.

I'm glad you are financially independent, time to get him gone, the older the children are the more he will manipulate them.

@CarrieMoonbeams