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Original poster

Dh over reacting or me in the wrong

218 replies

Cantdorightforwrong88 · 29/08/2021 21:23

Massive row with dh tonight and I honestly cannot see what I have done wrong so not sure if dh is tired and over reacting after a day out or if I did actually do something wrong.

Back story from today, dh has been out at a sporting event, dropped him off at 8 this morning he got home at 6 ish tonight. We have 2 children dd6 and ds 14 weeks. Me and the children had a lovely day, didn't do alot, watched films, played, went for a walk to get some treats etc.

Dh came home, I got on with some jobs and sat and talked to him.

My birthday is coming up so everyone has been asking me what I want. I literally have no idea but as we had some downtime today I finally came up with something and was excited to tell dh. So I did this evening. He shot down my idea in 2 seconds flat. Not even a discussion. Just no. That's fine, i said OK and carried on doing what I was doing and said I will think of something else.

I wanted to bath the children tonight so said I would run up for a shower then call them up. He said it was a bit late so agreed we would do tomorrow. End of that discussion. I popped out to the kitchen and then came back in to say OK I will pop up for a shower. He went mad telling me i had told him 5 times already and just to go. When I argued this was the second time I had told him, I was told to F off. In front of the children. So I went upstairs and had a shower.

Came down and asked him who was putting which one to bed (we tend to take turns or do 1 child each) he didn't really say anything. Dd asked me to do story, again dh didn't say anything so I assumed he was OK with this and happy to do ds. Started to get dd ready and made ds a bottle to help him out. He then proceeded to again scream and shout that he wanted to do dad's bed as he had brought her a new book yesterday he wanted to do. I had forgotten this (apparently he had told me yesterday and this morning - I really don't remember this!) But if he had said that it wouldn't have been an issue. I challenged him on this and he again told me to F off, again in front of the children and will not talk to me.

I was really looking forward to seeing him today as we didn't really see each other much yesterday, or last week as he was working night shifts (i'm on mat leave) and now just feel like I ruined the whole evening by daring to talk to him.

OP posts:
Uninspiredusername · 30/08/2021 10:23

I often find myself reading threads on MN with despair at how men (I know not always the case, but in this instance) can treat their other halves, and their families, so badly. It makes me feel so sad.
I hope you’re ok today OP. You’ve had some great advice here and I’m pleased to read you have some financial/work independence.

@CarrieMoonbeams I’m so sorry for your upbringing. I hope you and your sibling are ok now.

whynotwhatknot · 30/08/2021 10:52

I dont think its an affair he has form if you read ops other posts hes just an agreesive wanker

Phrowzunn · 30/08/2021 10:56

I can honestly say that if my husband told me to fuck off in front of our children I would leave him. What kind of relationship did your parents have when you were growing up OP that makes you think this kind of behaviour is in any way acceptable, and do you want your daughter growing up thinking that that is what she should look for in a man? Don’t you want more for her? Don’t you want more for yourself?

TheWeatherWitch · 30/08/2021 10:58

Can you stay somewhere for a few days? Your mums? Or your sister?

If he even notices you’ve gone you remind him that he told you to F off and you don’t need to be told that twice.

Honestly I think you need to start divorce proceedings, this man sounds just like my ex husband. You and your children deserve better than this.

Even if you don’t continue with divorcing him, remind him that he only gets to tell you to fuck off once more and you and the children will Nobody should get to tell you that more than once. I’m raging for you @Cantdorightforwrong88 honestly I want to slap the snot out of him for how he treats you. You’ve looked after his children all day so he can indulge in his hobby and this is how he thinks he should behave!

MGMidget · 30/08/2021 11:04

I wondered if this was the first time he has behaved like this towards you? I would say he has something on his mind. His day didn’t go well for some reason. Not an excuse for this behaviour as he still shouldn’t be taking it out on you. However, if he hasn’t told you what’s bothering him and has been this short tempered all of a sudden I would be wondering if there might be someone else and maybe things didn’t go well between them at his ‘sporting event’.

Did you ask for an expensive present or one that might require a big time commitment from him and did he give a plausible reason for saying no? If just a flat no that seems really bad. I can’t imagine saying a flat ‘no’ to anyone who told me what they wanted for their birthday after I had asked them what they wanted! I might try and tactfully steer them to something else if I thought it was too expensive or difficult to get or impractical but I would never just say ‘no’!

And as for swearing at you in front of the kids…is this a one-off or something he does often? Really bad either way but if he hadn’t done it before it also makes me wonder what happened at the ‘sporting event’.

Sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

Emmylouisa · 30/08/2021 11:11

What an absolute bully and a bastard making you feel bad. You have my sympathies. He's acting like a spoiled brat. He definitely thinks you are below him. Men like this make my blood boil. Get away from him for a while got your own sanity. No one deserves to be treated like this.

Billybagpuss · 30/08/2021 11:16

How are you this morning @Cantdorightforwrong88

Notaroadrunner · 30/08/2021 11:21

@reesewithoutaspoon

Don't allow this to happen to your little girl. Don't train her to be a man pleasing doormat, because that's what she's learning now and it will just set her up to accept abuse and ill treatment in her adult relationships
And it will also teach your Ds that he can treat women like shit. For your sanity, safety and the safety and well being of your kids, get the hell away from this abusive horrible excuse for a husband/father. He has no respect for any of you. I am glad to see you are financially independent so start planning now.
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/08/2021 11:29
Flowers
Nanny0gg · 30/08/2021 11:31

@MGMidget

I wondered if this was the first time he has behaved like this towards you? I would say he has something on his mind. His day didn’t go well for some reason. Not an excuse for this behaviour as he still shouldn’t be taking it out on you. However, if he hasn’t told you what’s bothering him and has been this short tempered all of a sudden I would be wondering if there might be someone else and maybe things didn’t go well between them at his ‘sporting event’.

Did you ask for an expensive present or one that might require a big time commitment from him and did he give a plausible reason for saying no? If just a flat no that seems really bad. I can’t imagine saying a flat ‘no’ to anyone who told me what they wanted for their birthday after I had asked them what they wanted! I might try and tactfully steer them to something else if I thought it was too expensive or difficult to get or impractical but I would never just say ‘no’!

And as for swearing at you in front of the kids…is this a one-off or something he does often? Really bad either way but if he hadn’t done it before it also makes me wonder what happened at the ‘sporting event’.

Sorry you are having to deal with this OP.

These are a load of excuses for an angry, abusive pig.
SukiPook · 30/08/2021 11:33

Hi OP, he sounds in many ways like my DH. We have a 15 month old DD. I am in the process of moving out. It takes time and a shift in perception,but when you realise that it's abuse and that you have to break the cycle, you'll get the impetus and strength. You've done counselling and realised that it hasn't done much, he still behaves the same. You wonder why he can't see that swearing and shouting at you in front of the kids is a bad idea. You're still at the moment trying to fix things, trying to understand why he'd doing this. But -you can't fix it,it's not your fault, and it doesn't matter why he's like this. Yes there are probably times when he is either lovely or at least normal. But it's a cycle. It will keep coming back to the abusive part and it is not your fault and you can't prevent it.
Most of the time with my husband he's either in constant criticism mode (the most exhausting one), or neediness (saying I don't love him, wanting cuddles, sighing about us not being close.... also all very annoying), or occasionally what I call "evil mode" where he's outrightly abusive (although the constant criticism is also abusive) . It operates in a cycle and isn't helped by him smoking weed too.
The worst example happened when I was 10 weeks pregnant when he said he'd love to punch my head in, and when I said "Oh that's just lovely", he repeated it, then came right up to my face and said "I'd love to smash your face against a kerb". I ended up shaking and crying and screaming at him to get out. I rang women's aid. It wasn't that he was going to carry out the violent act, I knew he wasn't... but SAYING it was a violent act, he did it on purpose to upset me, and he put the image in my mind. Women's Aid were great and immediately said that's severe emotional abuse, they invited me in for a free one to one 6 week counselling service where they explained the cycle of abuse to me.
After the baby was born everything was lovely... for a week! He was really nasty to me and left me in tears when she was 1 week old in the middle of awful breastfeeding and tongue tie issues and told me he knew I'd be shit at this (being a mother).
So since then, in between being mainly focused on mothering of course, I've been educating myself with books on the verbally abusive relationship, the emotionally destructive marriage, escaping the fog of narcissistic abuse, and so on. Also.. if you just look up online quizzes about whether your marriage is verbally abusive or emotionally abusive, your quiz answers can jolt you into reality.
In my case, I was verbally abused as a kid. My husband's parents' marriage was even more dysfunctional and abusive. I now understand why I had a higher threshold for this type of behaviour
, sadly although I hated it, I was also used to it, to a certain extent. But I am done with it and I definitely don't want to keep the cycle going. Even if your DH is always nice to the kids, it's so damaging for them hearing the rows and the disrespect. Thinking of my daughter ending up anxious or in an abusive relationship herself is a great motivator for change.
Cognitive dissonance is a thing that can keep us stuck. Also trauma bonds and Stockholm syndrome. Get educated and start preparing yourself to leave or probably in your case it would be best to get him to leave... you don't have to leave the house just because you're the one saying this is over. In fact Women's Aid are brilliant about legal advive too. I used to think they were just for battered wives, but no, they deal with all types of abuse- verbal, emotional, financial, etc etc. Why not give them a ring?
Realising that you're not alone in this helps. Also realising how many women suffer and struggle trying to fix things and 20/ 30 years later end up having to leave anyway...so,better to face up to it now, educate yourself about the abuse and how that is so different than the usual ups and downs and hard work of marriage, and leave the emotional manipulation. (Get him to leave. It can be done legally). Good luck! You can do this.

Heronwatcher · 30/08/2021 11:36

Abusive gaslighter. Is there somewhere you could stay for a few days. Giving him the benefit of the doubt maybe he is going through a stage where he is finding you irritating but there is absolutely no excuse for shouting and swearing especially when you are doing all the childcare so he can have a nice day. I would have walked out on the spot TBH.

AutumnLeafDance · 30/08/2021 11:37

His behaviour is absolutely vile! What an appalling way to treat you and a disgraceful example to set for the children. Time for him to get some serious therapy I think or get lost!

FuckingFabulous · 30/08/2021 11:41

Red flags are waving. Crowds are chanting to get your attention. Big, flashing neon signs are held aloft bearing the phrase, "LEAVE THIS BASTARD IMMEDIATELY"

Pay attention to what you're trying to ignore. One good day in a dozen tense ones does not make a good relationship. Him kicking off now because of some perceived slight isn't ok because he might be tired or because most of the time, he only dials the bastard up to 6 and you don't often get the 11.

If the majority of the time you're on alert for his anger or stroppiness beginning, it's not a good relationship. If his behaviour makes you cry and he doesn't change it, he doesn't love you. He loves being catered to and being in charge.

MrsVeryTired · 30/08/2021 12:13

It's not you, it's him.
Horrible man, take your lovely children and get out of there (or get him out) and don't look back Flowers

CarrieMoonbeams · 30/08/2021 12:25

Thank you @Uninspiredusername, @wewereliars, @Fireflygal, @CurryLover55 and @LalalalalalaLand123.

I'm so lucky that I met my DH when we were in our teens. He's an absolute gem and we've been together for 40 years.

I've had a fantastic life (well, I'm still having it, but you know what I mean!). We're retired now but I had a brilliant job that I loved and I was well thought of. I decided not to have DC (too scared in case I repeated the cycle of abuse) but DH and I have loads of pets, mainly rescues, and our house is a place of warmth, singing, love and fun. And food - you're likely to get killed by a mountain of falling tins if you open my kitchen cupboards! I guess that's from my upbringing, in that I don't want to ever feel hungry again.

My brother, sadly, really suffered mentally when we were children, and is a very damaged adult. We're close though, and are both very LC with our mum.

Naunet · 30/08/2021 12:35

@rwalker

I don't know choses at fault but the whole situation seems micro managed . TBH would of found it hard work and he's snapped .
You sound like one of those idiots in the paper when a man kills his whole family, and a neighbour is quoted as saying something like “he seemed like such a nice man, I wonder what made him snap”.

Men are responsible for their own actions, try holding them accountable rather than looking for the nearest woman to blame.

2bazookas · 30/08/2021 13:07

" Spent the day at sporting event"?

Sounds more like " Came home high, drunk, paranoid and shagged out after a day with fuckbuddy"

thenewduchessofhastings · 30/08/2021 13:07

"Not the first time he has done this. He has form for it and we have been through counselling"

This has really stood out to me;you've had marriage counselling yet he still continues to treat you like this.He hasn't learnt anything from the counselling has he?

He got to spend the entire day out having fun with his friends whilst you stayed home with a toddler and very young baby and he came home and gave you a load of shit.

As for the sporting event being all day;I bet it was a golf tournament.

You say you work full time;when it comes to housework/laundry/cooking/childcare/shopping/life admin does he split this equally with you?

Duchess379 · 30/08/2021 13:26

The fact that he shot down your birthday plans was red flag no 1 for me. He's a fucking arse. A controlling a-hole! You don't need that in your life. Celebrate your birthday without him in it! x

GiantHaystacks2021 · 30/08/2021 13:29

I would divorce his ass.

iklboo · 30/08/2021 13:36

He's a twunt. You & your children will be better off without him. He doesn't respect you.

billy1966 · 30/08/2021 14:40

I am so sorry that your highly abusive husband is so vile.

Being repeatedly told to F off is marriage over stuff.

Unfortunately your daughter is now being demonstrably affected by his abuse.

You need to reach out to family and friends for support and you need to tell him to leave the home.

His behaviour is completely abhorrent and he is a shit husband and father.

Your poor little daughter witnessing such behaviour.

Tell those that love you that he is abusive and has been in front of your daughter.

He is an absolute disgrace.

I am so sorry.

Thank god you work.🙏Flowers

FlowerArranger · 30/08/2021 15:37

@Uninspiredusername

I often find myself reading threads on MN with despair at how men (I know not always the case, but in this instance) can treat their other halves, and their families, so badly. It makes me feel so sad. I hope you’re ok today OP. You’ve had some great advice here and I’m pleased to read you have some financial/work independence.

@CarrieMoonbeams I’m so sorry for your upbringing. I hope you and your sibling are ok now.

I echo @Uninspiredusername's sentiments. Also sending positive thoughts and strength to @SukiPook and @CarrieMoonbeams Flowers

@Cantdorightforwrong88 - I hope you are safe and able to mentally get yourself in the right frame of mind to start on the long and difficult road ahead of you. It may seem overwhelming right now, but you must do it, both for your sake and your child's.

Start by reading this - it's free online:

Why does he do that?: inside the minds of angry and controlling men / Lundy Bancroft:-

freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

And do come back here whenever you need a handhold or support!! Flowers

Branleuse · 30/08/2021 15:43

hes treating you with contempt

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