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Original poster

Dh over reacting or me in the wrong

218 replies

Cantdorightforwrong88 · 29/08/2021 21:23

Massive row with dh tonight and I honestly cannot see what I have done wrong so not sure if dh is tired and over reacting after a day out or if I did actually do something wrong.

Back story from today, dh has been out at a sporting event, dropped him off at 8 this morning he got home at 6 ish tonight. We have 2 children dd6 and ds 14 weeks. Me and the children had a lovely day, didn't do alot, watched films, played, went for a walk to get some treats etc.

Dh came home, I got on with some jobs and sat and talked to him.

My birthday is coming up so everyone has been asking me what I want. I literally have no idea but as we had some downtime today I finally came up with something and was excited to tell dh. So I did this evening. He shot down my idea in 2 seconds flat. Not even a discussion. Just no. That's fine, i said OK and carried on doing what I was doing and said I will think of something else.

I wanted to bath the children tonight so said I would run up for a shower then call them up. He said it was a bit late so agreed we would do tomorrow. End of that discussion. I popped out to the kitchen and then came back in to say OK I will pop up for a shower. He went mad telling me i had told him 5 times already and just to go. When I argued this was the second time I had told him, I was told to F off. In front of the children. So I went upstairs and had a shower.

Came down and asked him who was putting which one to bed (we tend to take turns or do 1 child each) he didn't really say anything. Dd asked me to do story, again dh didn't say anything so I assumed he was OK with this and happy to do ds. Started to get dd ready and made ds a bottle to help him out. He then proceeded to again scream and shout that he wanted to do dad's bed as he had brought her a new book yesterday he wanted to do. I had forgotten this (apparently he had told me yesterday and this morning - I really don't remember this!) But if he had said that it wouldn't have been an issue. I challenged him on this and he again told me to F off, again in front of the children and will not talk to me.

I was really looking forward to seeing him today as we didn't really see each other much yesterday, or last week as he was working night shifts (i'm on mat leave) and now just feel like I ruined the whole evening by daring to talk to him.

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 30/08/2021 04:27

Honestly in your situation, I’d tell your DH if he treats you like that again or talks to you like that again it will be time for a divorce. Not only is he talking to you like shit for no reason, he’s doing it in front of your child and he’s normalising it.

LondonSouth28 · 30/08/2021 04:37

This is really shocking behaviour and you seem to not be so shocked, which means you're used to it. My ex was like this - explosive, swore at me in front of the children, took out his frustration on me, gaslighted me until I felt like it was all my fault - he's now my ex and retrospectively I'm shocked I tolerated half of it. We did the therapy to 'help him' where I seemed to be told all I'd done wrong! So that was a waste of time. Sometimes people are just not nice and most annoyingly these things come out / are more visible once you've had kids with them. He doesn't need therapy to be nice, therapy can't fix that! Like you, I have a good job, earn my own money, can survive on my own with the children etc and gosh it's bliss. Not saying single motherhood is bliss but next to living with a man like that it really is. See a solicitor and divorce him ASAP.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 30/08/2021 05:50

Like you, I could support myself and that will be very helpful to you if you decide to dump him.

I would recommend contacting a solicitor as soon as you can, take the kids with you if necessary, go while he's at work, just to get an idea of everything you need to decide, paperwork, bank statements, etc.

On second thought don't take the kids with you. Can Grandma watch them for a few hours while you "run some errands"?

Can you discuss with your parents what is going on? My mother was actually relieved for me when I told her I was divorcing Ex. She knew how he had acted and what he had done and had been praying for me to find the strength to do what needed to be done.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2021 06:17

I agree with everyone else that his behaviour is unacceptable. You have done nothing wrong here.

If this is an ongoing problem with his anger issues then in all honesty I don't see much hope of him improving. He's had a lovely day out and then his pathetic whinyarse neediness has decided for him that YOU haven't done enough. But you know what - NOTHING would have been enough, because it's not about that, it's because he's a selfish wanker.

I also am glad you are financially independent and could get shot of him if you choose - and I'd choose to.

Dixiechickonhols · 30/08/2021 06:33

Please don’t put up with this. It’s not going to get better. Is there someone in real life you can tell.
He’s had 10 hours enjoying himself (you even kindly took him presumably with both children too) You had a nice day but not easy minding 2 small children. When did you last have 10 hours off.
Understandably you want to catch up with him in evening. You shouldn’t be spoken to like that.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2021 06:50

I agree with everyone else. This man is not your partner and equal. He is your abuser. You ruined nothing. He’s ruining the family and your children are scared. Flowers

Rugsofhonour · 30/08/2021 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Debetswell · 30/08/2021 07:04

You know this man is emotionally abusive.
You know your dd is affected by his behaviour.
You know that you need to protect your dc from his angry outbursts.

You know what to do.

Jemand · 30/08/2021 07:33

this is on of the things he moans about it is that he doesn't get enough affection from me at the moment.

FFS, you've got a 14 week baby. There's only so far that you can stretch yourself. How much affection is he giving you?

babouchette · 30/08/2021 07:42

Honestly my first thought reading this was that he sounds like he was taking cocaine at the football. That level of aggression is highly symptomatic of a coke user.

rwalker · 30/08/2021 07:43

I don't know choses at fault but the whole situation seems micro managed .
TBH would of found it hard work and he's snapped .

NoSquirrels · 30/08/2021 08:00

@rwalker

I don't know choses at fault but the whole situation seems micro managed . TBH would of found it hard work and he's snapped .
If you’d shout at your partner in front of your children to fuck off because they told you more than once they were taking a shower, and did it again when asked which child you were sorting for bed, and think that was OK because you felt ‘micromanaged’ then you would be very very firmly far in the wrong.

I’m sure you can see that. I hope so, for the sake of anyone you live with.

LagunaBubbles · 30/08/2021 08:07

Not the first time he has done this. He has form for it and we have been through counselling

How did that go?

chesterelly · 30/08/2021 08:17

So you tried counselling and his take away from that is he can lose his temper and shout then tell you to go away or fuck off so you have no right of reply and don't make him angrier. Yeah, fuck that for a game of soldiers. Your DD is noticing and questioning it. Your 14 week old DS is picking up on it and not settling whilst in his seething father's care. If you're not allowed a voice then it's time to remember actions speak louder than words and walk. Your children will thank you.

prettypinkflamingo · 30/08/2021 08:29

@Cantdorightforwrong88

Thank you for all the replies. I have read through all of them and really appreciate everyone taking the time to answer.

Well the situation hasn't got much better. Dd was a breeze to put down (as usual, we're lucky she knows her bedtime routine) ds not so much as you would expect from a 14 week old. He was screaming for dh which exacerbated the situation. I went up and offered to help (ds is a bit of a mummy's boy so does settle for me better, again as you would expect) to again be greater with shouting and being told to go away again. I tried to argue this time but then took over and got him to settle. Dh is in the spare room as he doesn't want to be around me. Which is fine by me.

In answer to some questions. Not the first time he has done this. He has form for it and we have been through counselling. His big thing if he is angry or we start arguing and he tells me to walk away he wants me to just go and not try and talk or argue. I try and do this but tonight it just escaped out of nowhere.

I have told him before not to shout at me or swear at me in front of the children. He doesn't listen to me on this though.

Dd asked me why I was so upset earlier which what really hit home that now she is older she is picking up on this. Which has made me sit and sob for the last hour.

Oh OP, what a horrible man he is. Your DD is picking up on it - time to get sorted and prepare to leave this absolute arsehole. Thinking of you xx
ViewFromHalfway · 30/08/2021 08:31

He's utterly vile and abusive. He will not get better but there's a good chance he'll get worse.

You are NOT the problem here but you do need to leave him.

Your kids will grow up thinking it's normal and acceptable for men to scream and swear at women. That's not okay at all. Please, please get away from this cunt.

Ellie56 · 30/08/2021 08:36

He was pissed off because you didn't hug him? Hmm

He's a selfish self centred abusive knob head.

Dump him. It won't get any better and your child is already being affected by the toxic environment she is growing up in.

Lalliella · 30/08/2021 08:39

OP I’m really sorry but your husband is an abusive cunt. For you to even question if you’re in the wrong shows what a number he’s done on you with the gaslighting. He’s twisting your way of thought so that your view of what’s going on is skewed his way. He is 100% at fault, you are 0%. Please get away from him. His behaviour is affecting your DD and you need to protect her from this. And protect yourself.

3Br1tnee · 30/08/2021 08:41

Jesus christ, leave him, buy yourself what you wanted for your bday and live on eggshells no more.

Nomorefuckstogive · 30/08/2021 08:42

I’m glad you realise he is completely in the wrong and there is no blame on you whatsoever. I hope you manage to extricate yourself and your DC without pain. The fact that this has happened before and wasn’t a one off means he is not someone you want to be with. Good luck, OP.

Bluetrews25 · 30/08/2021 08:42

Oh sweetheart.
It's all about him.
He has anger issues, yet you have to alter your behaviour.
You aren't affectionate enough? Ugh, no wonder. Being treated like a subordinate piece of dirt by an angry twat is not exactly inspiring.

You know what you need for your birthday, don't you? An ex-husband.

BlueMongoose · 30/08/2021 08:43

@AgathaAllAlong

No advice, but much sympathy. My DP does the "you need to walk away or I am not responsible for what I say" shit too. It's awful, there is nothing I hate more than being sworn at and called names in front of my children. As much as I love them, I would not have had children with him if I had known that this was going to happen.
That argument about 'you need to walk away because I have no self-control' is a new one on me. He needs to learn ( and be told by counsellors) that if he can't handle a situation HE is the one who needs to walk away. Walk away, and spend the next little batch of time working out his apology. This is a power thing, like most bullying.

Personally I'd be talking to a solicitor about my options, but it's easy for me to say as I haven't had to put up with this sort of thing and don't have kids to consider, which cuts both ways. Though I know this sort of bullying happens it always still shocks me when I hear about it.

Chikapu · 30/08/2021 08:51

if it came to it

It's come to it already, you need to get you and your children away from him.

WhatMattersMost · 30/08/2021 08:54

*Not the first time he has done this. He has form for it and we have been through counselling. His big thing if he is angry or we start arguing and he tells me to walk away he wants me to just go and not try and talk or argue. I try and do this but tonight it just escaped out of nowhere.

I have told him before not to shout at me or swear at me in front of the children. He doesn't listen to me on this though.*

It is very simple, OP:

You must leave this man.

WhatMattersMost · 30/08/2021 08:55

Not the first time he has done this. He has form for it and we have been through counselling. His big thing if he is angry or we start arguing and he tells me to walk away he wants me to just go and not try and talk or argue. I try and do this but tonight it just escaped out of nowhere.

I have told him before not to shout at me or swear at me in front of the children. He doesn't listen to me on this though.

It is very simple, OP:

You must leave this man.

[Bold fail corrected.]

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