Dh over reacting or me in the wrong

[Cantdorightforwrong88]

Massive row with dh tonight and I honestly cannot see what I have done wrong so not sure if dh is tired and over reacting after a day out or if I did actually do something wrong.

Back story from today, dh has been out at a sporting event, dropped him off at 8 this morning he got home at 6 ish tonight. We have 2 children dd6 and ds 14 weeks. Me and the children had a lovely day, didn't do alot, watched films, played, went for a walk to get some treats etc.

Dh came home, I got on with some jobs and sat and talked to him.

My birthday is coming up so everyone has been asking me what I want. I literally have no idea but as we had some downtime today I finally came up with something and was excited to tell dh. So I did this evening. He shot down my idea in 2 seconds flat. Not even a discussion. Just no. That's fine, i said OK and carried on doing what I was doing and said I will think of something else.

I wanted to bath the children tonight so said I would run up for a shower then call them up. He said it was a bit late so agreed we would do tomorrow. End of that discussion. I popped out to the kitchen and then came back in to say OK I will pop up for a shower. He went mad telling me i had told him 5 times already and just to go. When I argued this was the second time I had told him, I was told to F off. In front of the children. So I went upstairs and had a shower.

Came down and asked him who was putting which one to bed (we tend to take turns or do 1 child each) he didn't really say anything. Dd asked me to do story, again dh didn't say anything so I assumed he was OK with this and happy to do ds. Started to get dd ready and made ds a bottle to help him out. He then proceeded to again scream and shout that he wanted to do dad's bed as he had brought her a new book yesterday he wanted to do. I had forgotten this (apparently he had told me yesterday and this morning - I really don't remember this!) But if he had said that it wouldn't have been an issue. I challenged him on this and he again told me to F off, again in front of the children and will not talk to me.

I was really looking forward to seeing him today as we didn't really see each other much yesterday, or last week as he was working night shifts (i'm on mat leave) and now just feel like I ruined the whole evening by daring to talk to him.

@user1471442488

How could you possibly think you’re in the wrong here?

This. He's being abusive and nothing you could have said or done differently would have changed things.

he said that I obviously wasn't as I didn't stand up to give him a cuddle or anything when he came in

He’s a grown adult that would be able to see the sleeping baby. He’s tricking you into thinking you are the problem when you really aren’t.

and now just feel like I ruined the whole evening by daring to talk to him

Clearly that’s a load of shit and worrying you’d even consider it was your fault.

You’ve got a small baby (and an older child), he’s had all day to himself, and he’s in an arse on returning home? That’s on him. What a wanker.

Plus, your birthday, your choice. Why does he get the final say?

Your last post is worse.

this is on of the things he moans about it is that he doesn't get enough affection from me at the moment.

Urgh. Why are so many men such absolute selfish arsewipes?

I’m glad your financially independent, OP.

Hopefully you’ll realise it’s not you, it’s him. And he can either sort it out or you can decide what to do. Whatever, it’s 100% not your fault at all.

Don't remain in this marriage where you are in charge of managing his anger. If he's pissed off it's for him to get up and move away, not you. And if he's swearing in front of his 6 year old, he really doesn't give a fuck and it's not going to get any better. In fact if you stay, your DD is going to learn how to manage an emotionally volatile man from watching you. You wouldn't want this for her, and you deserve better too.

And he is gaslighting the fuck out of you - not getting up to hug him even though your DS was asleep on you, not remembering from the morning before he left you to sole parent all day that he wanted to read to DD that night - he's just looking for excuses to scream at you. None of it is your fault.

Ahh so he's raging cause Celtic lost eh?

@HollowTalk

There are so many absolutely fucking useless men on these threads. It's so depressing.

Yes, I always think that too. This one being one of the worst.

He's had all day pleasing himself while you look after the children, comes back, you have a baby asleep on you. And instead of kissing your head and asking if he can make you a cuppa, he sees his own arse because you don't wake the baby up to hug him?

You do see that he's an aggressive, selfish wanker, right? I mean please tell me you see that.

Plan to separate.

He’s upset a14 week old gets more attention than him

He is an abuser. You need to hear this over and over. An abuser who also abuses your children.

I probably couldn't afford to keep the house we are in but I could possibly get something smaller in the same area if it came to it.

I think that time has come. The anger management hasn't worked, and your DD has noticed his behaviour.

He isn't going to change and it will do you and your children no good to stay with him.

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's had all day pleasing himself while you look after the children, comes back, you have a baby asleep on you. And instead of kissing your head and asking if he can make you a cuppa, he sees his own arse because you don't wake the baby up to hug him?

You do see that he's an aggressive, selfish wanker, right? I mean please tell me you see that.

Plan to separate.

This is what I wanted to say but was too sleep to. So true.

^if you stay, your DD is going to learn how to manage an emotionally volatile man from watching you. You wouldn't want this for her, and you deserve better too.*

Amen

Take some time to really consider your future. I know that isn't an easy thing to say to anyone, especially if children are involved. I know because I lived a life with a man who told me I was at fault for not attending his domestic abuse counselling because all the other men in his group had their wives there and he hadn't treated me anywhere nearly as badly as they had so I was being unreasonable not to attend to support him. Abuse is abuse and swearing at you is unacceptable even if that is something we justify as being 'all it is'. I wish I had left before I did. It just becomes habit to excuse more until it becomes dangerous, as it did for me. You need to think about you and your children first. I finally realised I had been dealing with the same possessive behaviour/arguments in my 20s as I was in my 30s (for no reason) and the thought of having the same argument/issues another 10 years later and the thought of that abuse being transferred to my children was what made me end it. Don't let anyone make abusive behaviour the norm in your life.

Sounds to me like it's the end of the road. Where was he today. Is he having an affair or something. Its Very strange behaviour for apparently mno reason. Are you in financial trouble.

He is abusive full stop.

Even if he is seeing someone or drinking, or tired or if you were ‘mildly irritating’(which you would not be to a reasonable person). They are all just excuses for abusive behaviour.

This has a terrible impact on children, they absorb everything. Please if/when you are ready, speak to refuge/women’s aid or a local domestic abuse charity as they can provide an ear/support. Keep a diary and log everything, even if you stay with him for 15 years. It will help trust me. But please do this safety. da charities can help with this.

Your daughter will grow to think this is what she deserves, your son will grow to think this is how he should treat women. (Statistically speaking - it could go the other way for them). Don’t think this is your fault though, it is entirely your partners.

And I know some of us have mentioned leaving but we don’t know your situation only you do and it’s in your own time.

Sorry you’ve been treated this way, sending hugs and please don’t let that gremlin ruin your birthday. Make plans that don’t involve him at all(if it’s safe to do so).

Your children (particularly your eldest), should not be witnessing his behaviour towards you. And you deserve better. You should absolutely be considering your future.

Why does he act like he hates and resents you? He is even making you feel like you have done something wrong, which you haven't believe me.

You can do this on your own. You kept your financial independence (consciously or unconsciously) for a reason. Well done - your dcs will thank you. Now quietly consult a solicitor and get your ducks in a row.

A man acting like this after being all day at a sporting event either a) actually spent the day with the OW or b) bet on whatever the sporting event was and lost more than they bargained for.

Only you can know which is more likely.

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's had all day pleasing himself while you look after the children, comes back, you have a baby asleep on you. And instead of kissing your head and asking if he can make you a cuppa, he sees his own arse because you don't wake the baby up to hug him?

You do see that he's an aggressive, selfish wanker, right? I mean please tell me you see that.

Plan to separate.

Every word of this. With bells on

Did you have couple's counselling?

Not recommended with an abuser.

He's vile

@clemintineharrowdyne

Ahh so he's raging cause Celtic lost eh?

There were no away fans at Ibrox today, so no.

Cannot disagree with anything anyone has said, OP. Swearing, drinking and raging when Celtic lose all feature in my life to some extent, but DH has never sworn at me in 23 years of marriage and I don't swear at him either. Just to be clear, the language isn't the issue per se, it's the aggression and lack of love in this conduct.

@MosaicLife Bitch is only a gendered slur if you allow it to be. Other posters have happily called him a dick without you piping up.

OPs problem is way above whatever insult I threw his way tbh.

I'm quite concerned about the fact that you had to actually ask if you had done something wrong here. I think you need to get away from this man.

@Moooncake - “bitch” is categorically a sex-based insult. Which is why I asked as to its use to characterise a man displaying abhorrent behaviour. I wondered if it was a local usage of the word - I’ve only heard of people calling both sexes bitchy, not heard a male referred to as a bitch, so asked.

I am not going to derail further, apologies to OP - I hope you are ok at present.

@MrsTerryPratchett

He's had all day pleasing himself while you look after the children, comes back, you have a baby asleep on you. And instead of kissing your head and asking if he can make you a cuppa, he sees his own arse because you don't wake the baby up to hug him?

You do see that he's an aggressive, selfish wanker, right? I mean please tell me you see that.

Plan to separate.

This x1000. You poor thing, with a two week old baby. My dh is not going out for a day when my dc3 is 2 weeks, yours does, picks a fight with you, shouts and swears at you in front of the dc, doesn’t in any way shape or form recognise he’s had a whole day off and you haven’t, he’s just a horrible aggressive nasty self centred man and your life would be better off without that in it.

Also, please make sure you do something you want to on your birthday and tell other people who ask what you want whatever you actually want. Don’t not tell them as part of spending your birthday tiptoeing around this wanker. He will probably plan to make the whole day about things you’ve done wrong and things you don’t do for him.