Dh over reacting or me in the wrong

[Cantdorightforwrong88]

Massive row with dh tonight and I honestly cannot see what I have done wrong so not sure if dh is tired and over reacting after a day out or if I did actually do something wrong.

Back story from today, dh has been out at a sporting event, dropped him off at 8 this morning he got home at 6 ish tonight. We have 2 children dd6 and ds 14 weeks. Me and the children had a lovely day, didn't do alot, watched films, played, went for a walk to get some treats etc.

Dh came home, I got on with some jobs and sat and talked to him.

My birthday is coming up so everyone has been asking me what I want. I literally have no idea but as we had some downtime today I finally came up with something and was excited to tell dh. So I did this evening. He shot down my idea in 2 seconds flat. Not even a discussion. Just no. That's fine, i said OK and carried on doing what I was doing and said I will think of something else.

I wanted to bath the children tonight so said I would run up for a shower then call them up. He said it was a bit late so agreed we would do tomorrow. End of that discussion. I popped out to the kitchen and then came back in to say OK I will pop up for a shower. He went mad telling me i had told him 5 times already and just to go. When I argued this was the second time I had told him, I was told to F off. In front of the children. So I went upstairs and had a shower.

Came down and asked him who was putting which one to bed (we tend to take turns or do 1 child each) he didn't really say anything. Dd asked me to do story, again dh didn't say anything so I assumed he was OK with this and happy to do ds. Started to get dd ready and made ds a bottle to help him out. He then proceeded to again scream and shout that he wanted to do dad's bed as he had brought her a new book yesterday he wanted to do. I had forgotten this (apparently he had told me yesterday and this morning - I really don't remember this!) But if he had said that it wouldn't have been an issue. I challenged him on this and he again told me to F off, again in front of the children and will not talk to me.

I was really looking forward to seeing him today as we didn't really see each other much yesterday, or last week as he was working night shifts (i'm on mat leave) and now just feel like I ruined the whole evening by daring to talk to him.

@Cantdorightforwrong88 Any man who talked like that to me would be an ex.

Reading both the original post and your update, all I am reading is 'he wants this, he wants that, etc'. Always what HE wants and how HE feels, and you have to pander to him and go along with it. What was that about telling you you can't get what you want for your birthday? Total crap, you get what you want. It is YOUR birthday.

This cycle needs to stop and to he honest, I realise this isn't easy but I think for your own self worth and for the sake of your kids, unless he sorts himself out you need to consider leaving him. You don't deserve that and it doesn't sound like a loving or two way relationship. Your kids are also witnessing their mother being treated like crap and are going to grow up to think that is ok.

There is a possibility he is hiding something, or has something bothering him that he can't talk to you about. Could he be in debt, or got involved in something where he could end up in trouble about? (I may be clutching at straws but it is just thoughts I had). It sounds like when you went to tell him you were going for a shower you interrupted something as he seemed desperate to get you out the room.. Unfortunately, I am also going to suggest the possibility of there being someone else. I am not usually the type to immediately think of this, but he is being especially nasty and aggressive about something. He is being a selfish pig anyway and you need to get to the bottom of this behaviour.

Good luck

Your daughter went down a breeze because she knows that when daddy is angry and shouty like this, she doesn't want to provoke him.

She is learning OP to moderate her behaviour because she is scared of her father.

And you my love are a new mother. You and your babies don't deserve to live with this aggressive angry man.

What a horrible man youre married to-i have to agree abo0ut the counselling hes an abuser and its not advised to have joint counselling with one

@Clymene

Your daughter went down a breeze because she knows that when daddy is angry and shouty like this, she doesn't want to provoke him.

She is learning OP to moderate her behaviour because she is scared of her father.

And you my love are a new mother. You and your babies don't deserve to live with this aggressive angry man.

This, Im afraid.

Whatever you tell her now or in future, you and her dad are teaching her that women should stay with men who tell them to fuck off and berate them. That men get the final say rather than being equals to women. That men's moods can dictate the mood of the house. That women and children should regulate a man's behaviour.

Please, please don't make her grow up in a house where all that is tolerated. And if you think well I tell her / I'll always tell her that daddy shouldn't shout... the fact you stay together will cancel that out.

Show don't tell. What would you want her to do as an adult with a partner who was like this and told her to fuck off in front of your grandkids? Do that. Lead by example.

Why does he do that?: inside the minds of angry and controlling men / Lundy Bancroft:-

freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

@Cantdorightforwrong88 - read this book, please do.

Aside from all the other responses you have had which mostly are spot on ...

His big thing if he is angry or we start arguing and he tells me to walk away he wants me to just go and not try and talk or argue

Why does it have to be you that walks away and not him?

It’s absolutely vile to use those words and even worse in front of the children. What a charmer.

Was there any betting involved? Maybe he has lost money?

What an awful little bitch your partner is.

Poor you, OP. Please see that you're worth so much more. Don't want to echo other posters too much but children model their future relationships off their parents', if you don't want to leave for yourself them think of them

Dd asked me why I was so upset earlier which what really hit home that now she is older she is picking up on this. Which has made me sit and sob for the last hour.

Your children will be scarred for life if you stay with this man. This abuse will taint their lives forever, their self-esteem, their relationships, everything. You can't allow this to happen. You have to leave him.

His big thing if he is angry or we start arguing and he tells me to walk away he wants me to just go and not try and talk or argue

Why the fuck should you stay quiet just because he's having a tantrum? If he can't cope with someone having a different viewpoint, he really needs to grow up fast.

Does he behave like this at work?

Was he drunk? He doesn't sound very rational.

@MadeForThis

Was he drunk? He doesn't sound very rational.

This is like the tenth excuse I’ve read for his behaviour. So depressing..

He is abusive.

How upsetting for you and the children and absolutely out of order on his part. Nothing you have done has been wrong, he clearly has been fishing for a fight.

Keep your distance whilst he calms down and stay in separate rooms this evening. In the morning, If you can you must tell him that any further outbursts like that where he is swearing and treating you like muck for simply having a conservation will not be tolerated and he is to keep his distance from you - otherwise you need to keep a distance from him. Is there somewhere else you can go to and take the kids with you if this happens again? It isn't right that you should feel that you have to leave the house, but I am thinking more of the horrific atmosphere it leaves the kids and you in if you stay. You then only return if he apologises and if it carries on the needs to know that actions would need to be taken where the kids are living in a stable environment.
Coming away from the house can give you time to consider what you want and how you want to deal with things. You need some time to really start to process this and start setting some boundaries that you are happy with and ones that he is to respect if you are to have any sort of chance.
He is a bully !
I will be thinking of you as I think many others will be as well. Take care

Your DH is a prick, op. He's left you alone all day, come home and treated you like shit, and bringing such a nasty negative atmosphere around your children.
I'd be questioning how I want to proceed with this if you've already had counselling and it doesn't seem to have done much

You dont even sound that mad...seriously get mad. He has left you to look after young kids and had all day to himself then come home pissed and taking it out on you. Swearing at you in front of your children. Did he lose at the sport or something. I would be livid in your shoes.

He is an abuser. He is using you as an emotional punching bag and your poor dd can see it. Please protect her.

@Moooncake

What an awful little bitch your partner is.

Poor you, OP. Please see that you're worth so much more. Don't want to echo other posters too much but children model their future relationships off their parents', if you don't want to leave for yourself them think of them

Why is a grown man throwing a vile tantrum a “bitch”?

He's a prize! What would you say to your daughter in this situation?

@Cantdorightforwrong88

Thank you for all the replies. I have read through all of them and really appreciate everyone taking the time to answer.

Well the situation hasn't got much better. Dd was a breeze to put down (as usual, we're lucky she knows her bedtime routine) ds not so much as you would expect from a 14 week old. He was screaming for dh which exacerbated the situation. I went up and offered to help (ds is a bit of a mummy's boy so does settle for me better, again as you would expect) to again be greater with shouting and being told to go away again. I tried to argue this time but then took over and got him to settle. Dh is in the spare room as he doesn't want to be around me. Which is fine by me.

In answer to some questions. Not the first time he has done this. He has form for it and we have been through counselling. His big thing if he is angry or we start arguing and he tells me to walk away he wants me to just go and not try and talk or argue. I try and do this but tonight it just escaped out of nowhere.

I have told him before not to shout at me or swear at me in front of the children. He doesn't listen to me on this though.

Dd asked me why I was so upset earlier which what really hit home that now she is older she is picking up on this. Which has made me sit and sob for the last hour.

You shouldn’t be around such a person And it seems as though his behaviour is escalating. Your daughter, who has already noticed that you’re upset, will remember this. His active contempt, saying the F word in front of them, screaming and shouting. This is a form of abuse. It’s a very sad situation. It’s scary for children as they don’t know how to deal with an abusive parent or the non-abusive parent standing by and letting it go. Sometimes they are angrier at the latter for not fighting for them and protecting them. They need to be in a loving and caring environment. Yes, people let off steam and offload, but it seems as though your DH’s temper issues are just getting out of control and now he’s the one in the spare room as though you were the one in the wrong and he needs his distance from you. Be careful of how he’s changing the narrative so you start believing that you’re the one at fault.

Don’t be that parent who stands by and doesn’t protect their kids. If you are scared of confronting him about his behaviour then you need real life support. Seek advice from Women’s Aid, even solicitors if you have to. Write a book of things that he is doing to remind you of what you have had to deal with and hopefully it will give you a push to make positive changes so that your daughter doesn’t grow up thinking that this type of behaviour is ok. It’s not. It never is.

He wasn't drunk, he had had a drink but he is working tomorrow so would have stopped early ish. If I thought he was in any way drunk then I would have put both children to bed.

He was definitely at the football as he was with a few family and friends and I dropped him and a mate off this morning so no doubt on where he was.

He was in a good mood when he got back so something set him off when he got here. I said at one point that I was looking forward to seeing him and he said that I obviously wasn't as I didn't stand up to give him a cuddle or anything when he came in. Ds was asleep on me so not really sure what he expected. But this is on of the things he moans about it is that he doesn't get enough affection from me at the moment.

I managed all the finances in the house so have been looking at what's on the mortgage etc. I work full time and luckily have quite a good job, plus am due to return after maternity at 6 months and one if the reasons was that I have always been financially independent. Glad I made that decision when I did now. I probably couldn't afford to keep the house we are in but I could possibly get something smaller in the same area if it came to it.

I only said that because I have to sort the kids myself. If you have a partner at home then I agree they should help. I just thought he was drunk or hungover so wanted a night off.

Op I’m sorry but this man doesn’t love you, he hates you. He is complaining he doesn’t get enough attention when you have A 14 DAY OLD baby. This is classic self centred abuser thinking.

Hugs and for you. He sounds awful. Don't have any more babies with this vile man.