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Original poster

Dh over reacting or me in the wrong

218 replies

Cantdorightforwrong88 · 29/08/2021 21:23

Massive row with dh tonight and I honestly cannot see what I have done wrong so not sure if dh is tired and over reacting after a day out or if I did actually do something wrong.

Back story from today, dh has been out at a sporting event, dropped him off at 8 this morning he got home at 6 ish tonight. We have 2 children dd6 and ds 14 weeks. Me and the children had a lovely day, didn't do alot, watched films, played, went for a walk to get some treats etc.

Dh came home, I got on with some jobs and sat and talked to him.

My birthday is coming up so everyone has been asking me what I want. I literally have no idea but as we had some downtime today I finally came up with something and was excited to tell dh. So I did this evening. He shot down my idea in 2 seconds flat. Not even a discussion. Just no. That's fine, i said OK and carried on doing what I was doing and said I will think of something else.

I wanted to bath the children tonight so said I would run up for a shower then call them up. He said it was a bit late so agreed we would do tomorrow. End of that discussion. I popped out to the kitchen and then came back in to say OK I will pop up for a shower. He went mad telling me i had told him 5 times already and just to go. When I argued this was the second time I had told him, I was told to F off. In front of the children. So I went upstairs and had a shower.

Came down and asked him who was putting which one to bed (we tend to take turns or do 1 child each) he didn't really say anything. Dd asked me to do story, again dh didn't say anything so I assumed he was OK with this and happy to do ds. Started to get dd ready and made ds a bottle to help him out. He then proceeded to again scream and shout that he wanted to do dad's bed as he had brought her a new book yesterday he wanted to do. I had forgotten this (apparently he had told me yesterday and this morning - I really don't remember this!) But if he had said that it wouldn't have been an issue. I challenged him on this and he again told me to F off, again in front of the children and will not talk to me.

I was really looking forward to seeing him today as we didn't really see each other much yesterday, or last week as he was working night shifts (i'm on mat leave) and now just feel like I ruined the whole evening by daring to talk to him.

OP posts:
HerRoyalRisesAgain · 29/08/2021 21:43

He sounds awful. You're absolutely not in the wrong here. My ex used to do stuff like that. He's an ex for a reason.

zoemum2006 · 29/08/2021 21:44

You need to put some serious boundaries in place.

  1. He doesn't get to tell you what you do on your birthday (unless it costs more than you can afford as a family).
  1. He doesn't ever tell you to f* off. Tell him next time he does that he loses his tongue.
  1. He needs to learn to use his indoor voice and his big boy words to tell you what the matter is.
knobblykneesandturnedouttoes · 29/08/2021 21:44

My ex was like this. Ex.

(If it's a one off then it might be worth letting him calm down and have a talk tomorrow about what went wrong, and how you expect to be treated in future. If this isn't a one off, then for goodness sake LTB)

DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo · 29/08/2021 21:44

OP

Any partner who is anything other than grateful and hands on when they have a 3 month old baby and they've been out for the entire day on a hobby is automatically in the wrong.

The rest of the behaviour is extremely weird, excessive and worrying.

Sorry you've had to deal with this, OP. It's a pretty big deal -'don't let your partner convince you otherwise.

CaMePlaitPas · 29/08/2021 21:45

Get what you want for your birthday, don't let this selfish wanker shoot anything down.

He'd be out on his arse though if he swore at me one more time. Tosser.

MadMadMadamMim · 29/08/2021 21:46

He's vile.

Why the fuck were you looking forward to seeing someone as nasty and horrible as him? And why would you even think YOU were in the wrong? There was absolutely no reason and no excuse for his behaviour other than he's an abusive prick. And demanding to read to a child and screaming at you to Fuck Off in front of her? Really unforgiveable.

I'd be seeing a solicitor and getting my children away from this man, OP.

Cirin · 29/08/2021 21:47

People make threads like "where are all these shit men who hate women?" and I guess the easiest answer is just to point to this thread. They're at home telling their wives to fuck off in front of their children.

grapewine · 29/08/2021 21:48

He sounds like he's spoiling for a fight at best. Why does he get to decide what you do for your birthday.

I'm with Bluntness on this one. I'd be digging a bit.

notapizzaeater · 29/08/2021 21:49

Is he normally such a dick ?

Needapoodle · 29/08/2021 21:50

What a fucking dickhead he is. You didn't do anything wrong.

grapewine · 29/08/2021 21:50

@Cirin

People make threads like "where are all these shit men who hate women?" and I guess the easiest answer is just to point to this thread. They're at home telling their wives to fuck off in front of their children.
Yeah, this. Appalling.
Suzi888 · 29/08/2021 21:50

Swearing, shouting in front of your children? He’s abusive, why are you with him?

Cocomarine · 29/08/2021 21:52

Any possibility of steroid use (abuse) during this all days sports thing?
Although I think that’s more a gym thing, and makes someone angry and aggressive rather than the manipulative gaslighting shown here.

I hate to be dramatic about it, but sounds like the behaviour when they fancy someone else, and take that out on you - make you seem awful and make it all your fault that the relationship is bad. And therefore justifying making a move to cheat.

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/08/2021 21:54

I agree with pp.
He’s definitely in the wrong here with screaming and swearing at you. Also telling you no on what you want for your birthday? That is very wrong because I don’t think you asked for anything unreasonable like a private jet to Monte Carlo so you can drink and gamble a few million away.

You sound as if you are walking on eggshells, constantly asking for his approval for everything from taking a shower to who you put to bed.

No one should live like this. It sounds to be a verbally and emotionally abuse relationship. You need help to get away from him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/08/2021 21:59

He sounds absolutely horrible. Abusive. He shouldn’t ever be swearing at you in front of your children - or at all really - or screaming and shouting.

He should be really grateful for having the day to himself!

He also shouldn’t be making you think this is your fault when it clearly isn’t.

Bertiebassetsbabe · 29/08/2021 22:03

Sounds like a right charmer.

Speaking to you like that is not on (especially in front of the children).

Sounds abusive.

RevolvingPivot · 29/08/2021 22:04

Is he hungover? Could you not bathe the kids and put them to bed yourself?

SusannahSophia · 29/08/2021 22:05

Is this new behaviour? My exH started like this with me as a prelude to leaving me for his OW. Might be completely wrong in your case, but it’s not good in any case.

Original poster
Cantdorightforwrong88 · 29/08/2021 22:05

Thank you for all the replies. I have read through all of them and really appreciate everyone taking the time to answer.

Well the situation hasn't got much better. Dd was a breeze to put down (as usual, we're lucky she knows her bedtime routine) ds not so much as you would expect from a 14 week old. He was screaming for dh which exacerbated the situation. I went up and offered to help (ds is a bit of a mummy's boy so does settle for me better, again as you would expect) to again be greater with shouting and being told to go away again. I tried to argue this time but then took over and got him to settle. Dh is in the spare room as he doesn't want to be around me. Which is fine by me.

In answer to some questions. Not the first time he has done this. He has form for it and we have been through counselling. His big thing if he is angry or we start arguing and he tells me to walk away he wants me to just go and not try and talk or argue. I try and do this but tonight it just escaped out of nowhere.

I have told him before not to shout at me or swear at me in front of the children. He doesn't listen to me on this though.

Dd asked me why I was so upset earlier which what really hit home that now she is older she is picking up on this. Which has made me sit and sob for the last hour.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 29/08/2021 22:09

@Bluntness100

That’s really bad.

Op I mean this gently, is he seeing someone else?

Yeah I thought guilt anger and my mind doesn't normally go there either
Babymamamama · 29/08/2021 22:12

He sounds awful. You really don’t deserve to be treated like this. He’s extremely verbally aggressive. It’s so hard when you have children. I know I put up with years of similar from my now ex. People like that don’t change. And counselling is pointless. At least in my experience.

nimbuscloud · 29/08/2021 22:15

Your 6 year old will know what is happening

TomFuckery · 29/08/2021 22:16

'Tired and over reacting after a day out'

Is he 5?

There is no way I'd be letting him get away with swearing at me in front of your kids or not in front of them

Tell him tomorrow what a complete arsehole he is due to his behaviour towards you and ask him what his problem is

maggiemuff · 29/08/2021 22:16

He is a complete narcissist and I have so much sympathy for you. I know you don't want to leave but you honestly should before it gets worse x

Mrsmadevans · 29/08/2021 22:19

@Bluntness100

That’s really bad.

Op I mean this gently, is he seeing someone else?

l thought this straight away , sorry OP hope l am wrong Flowers
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