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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh over reacting or me in the wrong

218 replies

Cantdorightforwrong88 · 29/08/2021 21:23

Massive row with dh tonight and I honestly cannot see what I have done wrong so not sure if dh is tired and over reacting after a day out or if I did actually do something wrong.

Back story from today, dh has been out at a sporting event, dropped him off at 8 this morning he got home at 6 ish tonight. We have 2 children dd6 and ds 14 weeks. Me and the children had a lovely day, didn't do alot, watched films, played, went for a walk to get some treats etc.

Dh came home, I got on with some jobs and sat and talked to him.

My birthday is coming up so everyone has been asking me what I want. I literally have no idea but as we had some downtime today I finally came up with something and was excited to tell dh. So I did this evening. He shot down my idea in 2 seconds flat. Not even a discussion. Just no. That's fine, i said OK and carried on doing what I was doing and said I will think of something else.

I wanted to bath the children tonight so said I would run up for a shower then call them up. He said it was a bit late so agreed we would do tomorrow. End of that discussion. I popped out to the kitchen and then came back in to say OK I will pop up for a shower. He went mad telling me i had told him 5 times already and just to go. When I argued this was the second time I had told him, I was told to F off. In front of the children. So I went upstairs and had a shower.

Came down and asked him who was putting which one to bed (we tend to take turns or do 1 child each) he didn't really say anything. Dd asked me to do story, again dh didn't say anything so I assumed he was OK with this and happy to do ds. Started to get dd ready and made ds a bottle to help him out. He then proceeded to again scream and shout that he wanted to do dad's bed as he had brought her a new book yesterday he wanted to do. I had forgotten this (apparently he had told me yesterday and this morning - I really don't remember this!) But if he had said that it wouldn't have been an issue. I challenged him on this and he again told me to F off, again in front of the children and will not talk to me.

I was really looking forward to seeing him today as we didn't really see each other much yesterday, or last week as he was working night shifts (i'm on mat leave) and now just feel like I ruined the whole evening by daring to talk to him.

OP posts:
AgathaAllAlong · 29/08/2021 22:19

No advice, but much sympathy. My DP does the "you need to walk away or I am not responsible for what I say" shit too. It's awful, there is nothing I hate more than being sworn at and called names in front of my children. As much as I love them, I would not have had children with him if I had known that this was going to happen.

twelvefiftynine · 29/08/2021 22:22

Your husband is abusive op. You can't change him. You need to remove your children from this situation.

LannieDuck · 29/08/2021 22:24

There's really no excuse for behaviour like that. Your kids are going to think it's normal.

(and I can't understand how he gets to veto what you want for your birthday?? If he doesn't want to get it for you, get it for yourself.)

FangsForTheMemory · 29/08/2021 22:24

Something or someone you don’t know about has upset him today and he’s taking it out on you. I would start making discreet enquiries.

Sciurus83 · 29/08/2021 22:25

You would be happier without him

gncq · 29/08/2021 22:25

Sorry, I'm really angry on your behalf. How dare he!

You- "I'm going for my shower now"
Him- "Fuck off"
You-
Him- "Fuck off*

I mean..... Fictional relationships are NOT like this. In fact, functional human beings are not like your H. He's horrid.

Do you have close family you can talk to, who can help you?

Excelthetube · 29/08/2021 22:26

My god you've got a 14 week old

This is one of the most fucked up things I read on mumsnet, it’s really shocking. And I’m amazed you are not shocked to the core by it.

This man is an abuser. It’s that simple.

Undisclosedlocation · 29/08/2021 22:26

Whatever his reason, your husband has clearly been spoiling for a fight since coming home. It sounds like a premeditated decision to bully and argue with you.
You’ve had counselling, yet he still behaves like this. Your DD has now started openly commenting, which means she has noticed for a while now.
He won’t change, so you either have to toss him to the curb or put up with it forever, both for yourself and your children who will be impacted by his venom

Anontwentyone · 29/08/2021 22:26

^ fictional = functional

Excelthetube · 29/08/2021 22:27

This reply has been deleted

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Starlightstarbright1 · 29/08/2021 22:27

@Cantdorightforwrong88

Thank you for all the replies. I have read through all of them and really appreciate everyone taking the time to answer.

Well the situation hasn't got much better. Dd was a breeze to put down (as usual, we're lucky she knows her bedtime routine) ds not so much as you would expect from a 14 week old. He was screaming for dh which exacerbated the situation. I went up and offered to help (ds is a bit of a mummy's boy so does settle for me better, again as you would expect) to again be greater with shouting and being told to go away again. I tried to argue this time but then took over and got him to settle. Dh is in the spare room as he doesn't want to be around me. Which is fine by me.

In answer to some questions. Not the first time he has done this. He has form for it and we have been through counselling. His big thing if he is angry or we start arguing and he tells me to walk away he wants me to just go and not try and talk or argue. I try and do this but tonight it just escaped out of nowhere.

I have told him before not to shout at me or swear at me in front of the children. He doesn't listen to me on this though.

Dd asked me why I was so upset earlier which what really hit home that now she is older she is picking up on this. Which has made me sit and sob for the last hour.

This is why counselling doesn't work when someone is aggressive.

He should control his emotions. It is victim blaming.

His behaviour is out of order and i certainly wouldn't want him around either child behaving that way

Iloveacurry · 29/08/2021 22:28

He’s a massive twat. He’s had a lovely child free day, comes home and is pissed off he needs to adult. Tell him to fuck off and not come back.

Boredhimtodeath · 29/08/2021 22:28

Is he hungover? Could you not bathe the kids and put them to bed yourself?

Yes she could probably bathe the kids and put them to bed herself, but their other parent is equally responsible for their care. No matter how hungover he is that’s not an excuse for him to treat her like shit, why are you trying to excuse him and make out OP is the problem? He hasn’t seen his kids all day and it sounds like he works through the week.

he tells me to walk away he wants me to just go and not try and talk
This is his problem not yours. He can’t control himself, none abusive adults can talk to each other and one doesn’t need to walk away. To me you don’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong, you aren’t being irritating or anything and the more you question yourself and change your behaviour to avoid situations the more you teach your daughter this is acceptable. Would you want your daughter in this situation? If she sees it she will think it is normal behaviour and will model future relationships on it. You deserve better and your children deserve better.

Excelthetube · 29/08/2021 22:29

You can never go to therapy with an abuser. I BET real actual money that you came out of therapy thinking you had to make changes to, and take more responsibility for your behaviour

CoddledAsAMommet · 29/08/2021 22:31

OP, I have been with my husband for 28 years ( we started young.)
In 28 years he has NEVER told me to fuck off. And you know what I'd do if he told me to fuck off tomorrow ? I'd do it. I'd take him at his word and actually fuck off. Because a man who speaks to you like that doesn't love you the way you should be loved. He doesn't value you, respect you or see you as an equal. You will be happier without him.

Tubs11 · 29/08/2021 22:33

Your DH is a grown man and should know or at least learn to self regulate his emotions. If he can't then you should consider leaving him for the sake of the children

Whydidimarryhim · 29/08/2021 22:33

💐for you cantdo - he’s controlling and unpleasant and will damage your children - he’s not a decent man. Sorry

EwwSprouts · 29/08/2021 22:33

Has he been on the beer? Doesn't excuse his behaviour and might explain the nastiness.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 29/08/2021 22:34

@RevolvingPivot

Is he hungover? Could you not bathe the kids and put them to bed yourself?
I daresay she could, yes. Why should she? He's been out for ten hours while she's had the kids. Why shouldn't he manage to put one of them to bed?
HollowTalk · 29/08/2021 22:36

There are so many absolutely fucking useless men on these threads. It's so depressing.

Jaguar77 · 29/08/2021 22:36

He's having an affair.

EKGEMS · 29/08/2021 22:36

@RevolvingPivot The 1950s called and they want you back

SheilaWilcox · 29/08/2021 22:36

@FangsForTheMemory

Something or someone you don’t know about has upset him today and he’s taking it out on you. I would start making discreet enquiries.
Yep, my first thought was he'd had a row with the other woman. Come home spoiling for a fight so he has a 'reason' to leave or you leave him.

I think you'd be happier without him. He's a cock!

Hope you manage to get some rest tonight, peaceful day tomorrow and start making plans to split on Tuesday. I know that is so much easier said than done though and I wish you well.

KingdomScrolls · 29/08/2021 22:36

He sounds awful, he's been out for ten hours then come home and just upset everybody for no reason. The swearing, the shouting. No wonder the baby wouldn't settle for someone that agitated, and as for saying no to your birthday present who the fuck does he think he is! Even if the suggestion was for a new husband, he wouldn't have a leg to stand on challenging it. He is abusive. Counselling isn't recommended in DA situations.

Justilou1 · 29/08/2021 22:38

Are you sure he was at the football? He sounds so angry and is taking everything out on you. Is he cheating?