He bitched about me and now wants to come to stay

[Hardtobehappythesedays]

Hi all,

Around ten years ago, dps good friend from childhood, and my friend (or I thought so at least) came to stay with us for a week (we live in another country)
One night, they stayed up late drinking and talking and I overheard them bitching about me, saying some really hurtful things. Dp and I were going through a rough patch and he was obviously confiding in him, but they both said some horrible things and I was shocked and very upset at the time. I’d had him in my house and cooked for him etc and it was all really hurtful. After he left, Dp and I had furious rows and Dp denied it all, but I obviously heard it.
The years that have passed have meant I’ve been able to avoid him, Dp has seen him when he’s returned to the U.K. but I’ve not seen him.
He’s coming over with friends next week and has asked to meet up/come round, he wants to see our toddler Dd, who I’ve never met.
Aibu to not want to see him? Why would I meet up with someone who spoke like that about me?
Would you?

*Who he’s never met

You stayed with the man who also bitched about you - that would be more of an issue for me.

I wouldn’t. But you’ve forgiven your partner? He was presumably leading the bitch fest as you were having problems.

DP can see him elsewhere, you don’t have to him in your home.

Nope. He wouldn't cross my threshold, and if he asked, I would tell him why.

@DancesWithTortoises @AnneLovesGilbert I know, it took a lot of work and I still think about it sometimes. From what I heard, it was mainly led by his friend, I was angry that Dp didn’t defend me more.

The strange thing is, he’s all excited and says he love to see me and Dd?!

How did you resolve the situation with your DP?
Did he own up or apologize?

I dunno how I’d feel , even though it’s been 10 years I’m not sure id be comfortable being around someone who said such things and putting a nicey nicey act when they’re in my home when it was never resolved at the time.
In fact I’d be inclined to take myself off for the day and let DP meet him with your toddler.

*He’d

If your DP feels bad about what they said he obviously won’t expect you to accommodate this visitor.

What did he say?

I wouldn't let him stay, no. Though if you forgave your DP it seems strange that you can't forgive your friend.

@SalmonEile Yep, that’s how I feel, but I know when I say that, it’s going to cause a shit storm with Dp

He still denies it to this day, but I heard it all.

@CherieBabySpliffUp Wouldn’t say I forgave my Dp, still hurts when I think about it. It was mainly his friend leading it

LOL, no, of course not. Not a chance.

Seems really weird that you’ve moved on from this with your partner, but aren’t prepared to for the friend. The bigger betrayal was your partner’s- have you projected your anger at him onto the friend?

@Fubitch Allsorts really, his friend was making fun of the food I made, it was years ago when I couldn’t cook, but I prepared a curry, it was ok I thought. Also comments about my weight, I was slimmer all the time he knew me, I’d probably put on a stone maybe. He was going out with a girl we got on with and we all went out with a foursome a lot. Tbh he’s not even my type of person and not someone I enjoy having in my company really, I don’t want to see him 🤷🏻‍♀️I don’t particularly want Dd to either

What sort of shit storm? If you can’t be honest with him without fear of a tantrum is your relationship really that much better now?

@PatchworkElmer No, I was really very upset with Dp, definitely felt more of a betrayal from him. When I was listening, his friend was leading the bitching and Dp was defending, but not as much as I would’ve done for example. His friend is a very strong, character.

I wouldn't want to do this. I think I would lean towards the response "After the last time he was in my house badmouthing me!? No. I'm not comfortable with it."

@AnneLovesGilbert Well possibly not a shit storm, I’m not sure, but he’ll say that friend will be expecting to see me and wanting to see me etc

@Topseyt Exactly! And I’m supposed to be happy to see him and prepare lunch for him and be hospitable. Friends don’t do what he did, do they

And you say I don’t want to see him. Simple. No way would I have a friend of DH in my house who had talked about me in the way you say this man did. DH can go and meet him on his own if he wants to.

[quote Hardtobehappythesedays]@Topseyt Exactly! And I’m supposed to be happy to see him and prepare lunch for him and be hospitable. Friends don’t do what he did, do they[/quote]
Of course they don't. So put your foot down and don't do this. Don't let this person walk all over y.

Neither do good husbands, you have DH problem.

Don't let this person walk all over you! Hit send too soon there.