Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He bitched about me and now wants to come to stay

183 replies

Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 17:51

Hi all,

Around ten years ago, dps good friend from childhood, and my friend (or I thought so at least) came to stay with us for a week (we live in another country)
One night, they stayed up late drinking and talking and I overheard them bitching about me, saying some really hurtful things. Dp and I were going through a rough patch and he was obviously confiding in him, but they both said some horrible things and I was shocked and very upset at the time. I’d had him in my house and cooked for him etc and it was all really hurtful. After he left, Dp and I had furious rows and Dp denied it all, but I obviously heard it.
The years that have passed have meant I’ve been able to avoid him, Dp has seen him when he’s returned to the U.K. but I’ve not seen him.
He’s coming over with friends next week and has asked to meet up/come round, he wants to see our toddler Dd, who I’ve never met.
Aibu to not want to see him? Why would I meet up with someone who spoke like that about me?
Would you?

OP posts:
Billandben444 · 28/08/2021 18:44

Sorry OP. You've gone from saying they boh said shit things about you and your DH spilt the beans to friend about issues you were having and now you're backtracking saying it was led by friend? If you've forgiven DH why would you still hold a grudge against friend after all this time! If they'd had the convo down the pub you'd have been none the wiser about how either of them felt about you! Make a vastly improved curry (not out of a jar) and joke about how you hope it's better than the last one you all ate together. Consign it to the past and don't blame his friend for DH's loose tongue.

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:45

@VorpalSword No I don’t feel any need to, I have plenty of good friends and friendship to me doesn’t mean being nasty about me, I don’t need him in my life. When dp brought it up about him being here, he said he could go and pick him up from his hotel and bring him to the house to see Dd. I’d prefer they go out to meet him, Dd might not sit for long though or if they do come here, I’ll go out. I’ve not said this yet as I imagine Dp will be pissed off as he won’t know what to say to his friend and his friend will wonder why I’m not there.

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 28/08/2021 18:46

Well you have the opportunity now to say you don’t want to see this person and your DH knows why.

Fubitch · 28/08/2021 18:47

There's no need to be friendly with this guy. I'd let him come round if necessary, but i wouldn't be hosting him. I'd probably be putting the washing away or popping out.

5zeds · 28/08/2021 18:48

Just don’t engage with it. If dh feels uncomfortable, it won’t actually kill him, if the xfriend wonders why you don’t want to see him he can ask dh. Not your problem.

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:49

@Billandben444 His friend said nastier things is what I’m saying. I don’t know who started the conversation as couldn’t hear all of it, but I heard a few awful things, his friend is loud so I also heard what he said more. Dp said hurtful things too about our relationship and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be in it etc, it was a horrible time

OP posts:
Fubitch · 28/08/2021 18:49

I'd probably say, oh last time you were here you criticised my cooking and said I was fat, how nice to have you here again.

ExtraOnions · 28/08/2021 18:50

[quote Hardtobehappythesedays]**@ExtraOnions* @Queryquestion* He said about me putting on weight and how his girlfriend had, but she was pregnant so it was different and there was a reason. He said how once you have children it would be harder to get out of a relationship, just generally mean things and really taking the piss[/quote]
I think it’s difficult …. When I’m with my best mate talking into the early hours, our conversations veers all over the place. This includes my relationship with my husband, and hers with her husband - when times have been tough, some of those things were probably not very nice, but I trust my BF 100%, and having a space to talk things out has been the right thing to do. I’m an extrovert, I think by talking. I love my husband (20 years in!), but there are things that sometimes I just need to get off my chest.
I have the good sense not to be overheard

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2021 18:51

I dont understand why you forgave your partner who's been gaslighting you ever since

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:51

I wondered if I could become ill towards the end of the week or have to work

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:52

@Fubitch 🤣I so wish I could be like that

OP posts:
pennysays · 28/08/2021 18:53

I’m just coming on to say that everyone bitches and everyone has said things in private that would hurt someone if they heard it.

He was a dick but it doesn’t sound that serious IMO. And I’m sure you can think of things you have said about people that would hurt them if they heard it.

It doesn’t make it right, but being honest with ourselves about whether we’ve ever said anything mean, can help put stuff into context. Also why are we mean about people behind their backs? It’s normally not very much to do with them and much more to do with our own insecurities and issues. Maybe this person is insecure or was unhappy in their relationship and wanted to feel better.

It sounds like you barely see this person so i would just let it go. Life is too short to still be worked up about something that is most likely much more to do with his own insecurities than it is to do with your curry.

ExtraOnions · 28/08/2021 18:53

@Fubitch

I'd probably say, oh last time you were here you criticised my cooking and said I was fat, how nice to have you here again.
That made me smile … I am the youngest of 5, with two older brothers - sounds like something I would start a conversation with them with (the cooking more than my weight … I am a notoriously average cook!)
Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:54

@ExtraOnions Yes, I agree, I’m not a complete angel and obviously have spoken with friends about my relationship too, but I wouldn’t say I say nasty things and my friend definitely wouldn’t-sort of personal things?

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 28/08/2021 18:54

I wouldn’t be holding a grudge about that after all these years, it is not healthy… for you. I do also believe that your biggest problem is your husband who allowed and contributed to that nasty conversation, not a random guy you see in a blue moon.

I would agree to see him but no, he cannot stay over and they need to go out or for food or order a takeaway. Simples.

wizzywig · 28/08/2021 18:55

He is just looking for a free meal

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:56

@Nanny0gg I know..it still hurts if I think about it, but was so long ago 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 28/08/2021 18:56

How have you allowed your boyfriend to lie to you about it ever since, gaslighting you? Just gloss over it?

Subbaxeo · 28/08/2021 18:56

10 years ago? I’d let it go. People change over time and things they would do/say 10 years ago would probably mortify them now. If your DP was egging it on, maybe they felt they had to join in. You’ve forgiven your DP, so why not forgive the friend and see how they are now. Life’s too short for grudges that last years. If they are still the same, fair enough but you maybe pleasantly surprised.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/08/2021 18:56

My advice - if he's more of a 'friend' to your DP, then neither you nor your DD need to be there when he is. Arrange a day out or a night away. You don't have to cook for him or be there when he is. Let your DP entertain him, feed him etc. No need for you to break a sweat over it all.

Then you have the bigger issue about how your DP was essentially egged on by this person and badmouthed you and you heard it all, yet they won't admit it or own it.

If you're not there when 'friend' is, all your DP has to say is "Oh, Hardtobe had a previous arrangement to meet one of her friends and we didn't realise that the two things clashed. Shall I top up your drink there?" or "Hardtobe had to go visit her parents/aunt/uncle who has been very poorly recently and can't be here. Yes she's taken DD with her, it's a shame that you won't get to see them. Can I get you a drink?"
He doesn't get to be pissed off because you don't want to share the same space as this loser.

That's my tuppence worth.

BittaOrange · 28/08/2021 18:57

[quote Hardtobehappythesedays]@Topseyt Exactly! And I’m supposed to be happy to see him and prepare lunch for him and be hospitable. Friends don’t do what he did, do they[/quote]
Neither do partners

NowEvenBetter · 28/08/2021 18:58

Like, did you not say ‘I heard you say you weren’t sure if you wanted to be with me or not’?
And he just says ‘that never happened, you imagined it.’
and you’re like ‘fuck it. This’ll be a good relationship.’?!

FAQs · 28/08/2021 18:58

So you also say the cooking was poor, I’d def let that go, you were in a tough place and they were discussing it (one of my friends is horrible about her partner at times, gushes other times, I can’t keep up) I’d let it go after 10 years considering you stayed with your partner, views change and people mature but if you don’t want to just say no.

HocusPocuss · 28/08/2021 19:00

@pennysays

I’m just coming on to say that everyone bitches and everyone has said things in private that would hurt someone if they heard it.

He was a dick but it doesn’t sound that serious IMO. And I’m sure you can think of things you have said about people that would hurt them if they heard it.

It doesn’t make it right, but being honest with ourselves about whether we’ve ever said anything mean, can help put stuff into context. Also why are we mean about people behind their backs? It’s normally not very much to do with them and much more to do with our own insecurities and issues. Maybe this person is insecure or was unhappy in their relationship and wanted to feel better.

It sounds like you barely see this person so i would just let it go. Life is too short to still be worked up about something that is most likely much more to do with his own insecurities than it is to do with your curry.

Finally, someone actually making sense! This is so true. I can think of many times I’ve let off steam and moaned about dh to my sister. I don’t necessarily mean all of it, just sometimes getting it off my chest helps me move past it. We’ve all done it. Yes it was hurtful but it wasn’t meant for you to hear. As many other posters have said, you’ve forgiven your dh who has the most loyalties to you and has carried on gaslighting you for the last 10 years. Tbh, you’re focusing on the friend because you you don’t want to face up to the fact you stayed with a man who doesn’t think much of you.
DrSbaitso · 28/08/2021 19:01

@Hardtobehappythesedays

It’s still always denied as if I’m crazy. I heard it.
The problem is your partner.