He bitched about me and now wants to come to stay

[Hardtobehappythesedays]

Hi all,

Around ten years ago, dps good friend from childhood, and my friend (or I thought so at least) came to stay with us for a week (we live in another country)
One night, they stayed up late drinking and talking and I overheard them bitching about me, saying some really hurtful things. Dp and I were going through a rough patch and he was obviously confiding in him, but they both said some horrible things and I was shocked and very upset at the time. I’d had him in my house and cooked for him etc and it was all really hurtful. After he left, Dp and I had furious rows and Dp denied it all, but I obviously heard it.
The years that have passed have meant I’ve been able to avoid him, Dp has seen him when he’s returned to the U.K. but I’ve not seen him.
He’s coming over with friends next week and has asked to meet up/come round, he wants to see our toddler Dd, who I’ve never met.
Aibu to not want to see him? Why would I meet up with someone who spoke like that about me?
Would you?

You are holding a 10 year old late night drunken conversation against someone?

This is transference. You are sliding all your anger and resentment onto this friend instead of resolving it with your husband. He’s the scapegoat for your relationship.

Your DH says he doesn’t know if he wants to stay in the relationship. The friend says you’ve gained weight; as has his girlfriend because she’s pregnant. It would be harder for your DH to leave if you were pregnant. (All true). He’s responding to your DH, the way mates do.

He also criticised the crap food which you acknowledge yourself was crap.

Now it’s 10 years on and one hopes everyone has grown up somewhat. I’m sure the friend has little memory of details of a late night drunken chat with a pal going through a relationship crisis.

His friend is a very strong, character.

Oh dear, is he? My heart always sinks whenever anyone says that! An arrogant prick then. I don't think I'd want to voluntarily spend time with him all that much either.

Stay strong OP.

Don't have the friend in your house and make sure your husband understands and acknowledges why to you.
Your husband is a gaslighter. He needs to take responsibility for what he said but more importantly for lying to you and gaslighting you all these years. You will never be able to put this issue behind you until he does. Sadly, I am not sure gaslighters have the moral courage to be honest with themselves even.

You know what you heard so why did you never confront his friend?

I understand your hurt and upset but your so called DP chose not to defend you and has denied it ever happening, it sounds like it’s easier to aim your anger at his friend because you it wasn’t and isn’t resolved with your partner.

He doesn’t have to stay with you but it clearly bothers you still and maybe it’s time to confront it head on with both of them or let it go.

As for you partner not egging his friend on, really! Your partner probably said a lot worse out of earshot and you chose to have a baby with him.

@BadNomad

You shouldn't have listened. That conversation was not for your ears. It was two drunk friends chatting about a bad relationship and awful cooking. It wasn't aimed at you. EVERYONE talks to their friends about other people. Sometimes even bitchy things are said. But the intention is not to hurt other people. It was unfortunate that you kept on listening but you really need to let it go because it was just two friends talking.

Get real! What do you mean it wasn't at her? Why shouldn't she have listened? What planet do you live on?

I would not be interested in hosting that person again.

IMO, it doesn't matter if OP made a less than fantastic meal. Anyone with any manners would not be rude about it behind their back in their home.

As for DH being also rude... I have much more invested in the relationship I have with my DH and am therefore much more willing to put time and effort into correcting problems the two of us have. I would have much less interest in fixing a friendship with someone else.

If DH is still gaslighting you over something you heard then that is an ongoing problem that needs addressing.

@Doomscrolling

You are holding a 10 year old late night drunken conversation against someone?

This is transference. You are sliding all your anger and resentment onto this friend instead of resolving it with your husband. He’s the scapegoat for your relationship.

Your DH says he doesn’t know if he wants to stay in the relationship. The friend says you’ve gained weight; as has his girlfriend because she’s pregnant. It would be harder for your DH to leave if you were pregnant. (All true). He’s responding to your DH, the way mates do.

He also criticised the crap food which you acknowledge yourself was crap.

Now it’s 10 years on and one hopes everyone has grown up somewhat. I’m sure the friend has little memory of details of a late night drunken chat with a pal going through a relationship crisis.

I don't think it is transference. It is quite easily possible to be angry at both but willing to try and work it out with DH but not want to bother with the friend.

Just because you know that it wasn't a great meal doesn't mean that it wasn't an arsehole thing to be rude about someone in their own house when they were hosting/feeding you.

This situation is a perfect example of why I don't complain about people behind their backs. If I have something to say, I either do it directly so that they can respond or I don't say anything at all. And, no, I'm no saint - I've had people say unpleasant things about me without my knowledge so I have no way of putting forward my side. I'm autistic so I find it difficult to understand this type of behaviour.

In your place, OP, I'd explain to my friend and to my husband why I don't want the friend to stay. If they deny it there's not much you can do about that but you can make your feelings clear. If you're not comfortable with someone as a houseguest - for whatever reason - then you shouldn't host them. If your husband wants to see the person he can do so on his own.