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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He bitched about me and now wants to come to stay

183 replies

Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 17:51

Hi all,

Around ten years ago, dps good friend from childhood, and my friend (or I thought so at least) came to stay with us for a week (we live in another country)
One night, they stayed up late drinking and talking and I overheard them bitching about me, saying some really hurtful things. Dp and I were going through a rough patch and he was obviously confiding in him, but they both said some horrible things and I was shocked and very upset at the time. I’d had him in my house and cooked for him etc and it was all really hurtful. After he left, Dp and I had furious rows and Dp denied it all, but I obviously heard it.
The years that have passed have meant I’ve been able to avoid him, Dp has seen him when he’s returned to the U.K. but I’ve not seen him.
He’s coming over with friends next week and has asked to meet up/come round, he wants to see our toddler Dd, who I’ve never met.
Aibu to not want to see him? Why would I meet up with someone who spoke like that about me?
Would you?

OP posts:
poullou · 28/08/2021 19:21

I wouldn't hold a drunken conversation from 10 years ago against somebody.

Happylittlethoughts · 28/08/2021 19:22

I think there's a difference in choice between forgiving a friend and forgiving your husband! Not comparable relationships.
I'd be unable to go back and put a face on for this situation OP. Especially as you've not seen him in so long and he is not a valued member of your life.
I'd rather he wasn't in the house but if it's what your husband wants then I'd not be there. I'd not be happy he was under my roof though and would express this quite clearly 😁
State it as fact. No discussion.

subsy1 · 28/08/2021 19:25

Is your best bet, perhaps, to contact Dp's friend direct and tell him that you heard all the things he said and are not prepared to let him visit you or meet your Dd? No point relying in on a lying gaslighter to transmit a true message.

Fizzbangwallop · 28/08/2021 19:25

‘ I know you insist I misheard what you both said about me that night but I didn’t. I heard it very clearly and the fact you’re still lying about it after all these years, hurts more than the nasty things you were saying. I don’t like your friend and I won’t be seeing him. You can see him with DD and I’ll make sure I’m out that day’

Ourlady · 28/08/2021 19:28

Are you scared to bring it all up again with your husband..is it The Elephant in the Room?

Its not as if you are questioning yourself whether you heard a short sentence. You said it was an actual conversation, you wouldn't forget that would you if it went on for so long?

Don't let your husband gaslight you over this any more. He didn't have to balls to tell his mate he was going too far slagging you off and he didn't have the balls to hold his hands up to what he said in the conversation and apologise so he's a bloody lying coward.

I would tell him he can take DD to see his mate elsewhere and if the mate asks why he can tell him. If he isn't man enough to do that say his mate is welcome to ring you and you will tell him. Be good to get it off your chest I think.

5zeds · 28/08/2021 19:29

Don’t communicate with the friend or try to dictate what dh says to him. Stop caring if dh thinks you’re reasonable or feels the very big statement you are making. You don’t want to see him. Nothing else is important.

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 19:30

@Ourlady Yes, I think that’s it a bit, really would prefer not to bring it all up again

OP posts:
IWantT0BreakFree · 28/08/2021 19:33

The friend is a total red herring. The issue (as dozens of others have said) is your husband. Maybe he wasn't the one driving the conversation or saying the worst things, but he allowed his friend to speak about you like that in your own home and still remains in contact with him to this day. He gaslights you about it and tells you that you "heard wrong". You feel unable to confront him about this upcoming visit because you dread his reaction. These are massive problems between you and your husband.

By all means avoid the friend, but what's actually making you unhappy is that your husband continues to lie about this incident and is still prepared to be friends with (and expect you to host!) a man who said these things about you. He's not a good partner.

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 28/08/2021 19:34

I had a similar situation when exDH’s closest friends all thought I was awful to start with. I still wonder but WTF happened but it was like they all prejudged me and there was nothing I could do.

I also heard them bitching about me (to each other not H). Anyway I stayed with him and slowly one by one they all completely changed their attitude and treated me with respect & genuine friendship.

I guess he was saying what he thought your DP wanted to hear? He might have been jealous. I’d give him a chance but only one.

BronwenFrideswide · 28/08/2021 19:35

I wouldn't want anything to do with him either but neither would I have remained with someone who had joined in, failed to defend me and lied about it, however, that is by the by.

Don't meet him, you don't have to, it's your choice who you spend time with. If your dp insists he comes to the house, say you won't be there and mean it and don't leave any prepared food or anything else for him. If your dp meets him elsewhere fine, if he wants to take your daughter to meet him, fine. Is there some reason you don't want or trust your dp to look after your daughter when you are not there because you seem very reluctant to either leave your daughter with him or let him take her out?

If your dp asks why, tell him you know what you heard despite his repeated denials and lack of apology and you have no desire to be in the company of his friend ever again.

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 19:40

@IWantT0BreakFree You're right, we split for a while because of it.

He doesn’t expect me to host though, hasn’t even mentioned that, I normally would but I’m not

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 19:42

@BronwenFrideswide I don’t have any problem with him taking Dd or having her at the house. The ideal would be he takes Dd to him and I stay at home..we only have one car, so having him at the house involves him going to pick him up and bring him to the house. I’d have no car to go out, but could walk somewhere I suppose.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/08/2021 19:43

Tell him to do one.

And your DH, too.

If he does end up letting that chancer into your home, go out/upstairs and take DD with you. DO NOT cook for him, or socialise with him.

You've kept one wanker in your life, you do't need to add another.

Cherrysoup · 28/08/2021 19:46

Think I’d organise to be out all day with dd. If your DP isn’t supportive, just go out yourself.

5zeds · 28/08/2021 19:47

Get a taxi and go out with a group of friends. Invite them to a restaurant or a movie. I’m sure you used to do that instead of thing.

picklemewalnuts · 28/08/2021 19:48

Let him come over for a meal to see you, dp and dd. Make dp cook. While you are doing all the nicey nicey stuff say, 'dp's cooking, I heard all the crap you spouted last time you were here'.

Brush it off lightly, be the bigger person. See what happens.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 28/08/2021 19:48

So there’s enough uncertainty about what you heard that you’ve justified to yourself staying with your partner on that basis, yet when it comes to seeing his friend there is no uncertainty at all, it definitely happened? I think you’re deluding yourself Op, sorry Sad Your anger is directed in completely the wrong direction.

TomFuckery · 28/08/2021 19:48

Go out and leave them to it, and if said guest asks why you weren't about then tell him

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 28/08/2021 19:49

@picklemewalnuts

Let him come over for a meal to see you, dp and dd. Make dp cook. While you are doing all the nicey nicey stuff say, 'dp's cooking, I heard all the crap you spouted last time you were here'.

Brush it off lightly, be the bigger person. See what happens.

I imagine he would shrug and say well you’re still with your partner and had a baby so you’re clearly not that upset about it.
Littlekittyscupcake · 28/08/2021 19:59

I wouldn’t meet up with this so called friend and I would make sure he knew why. I choose not to meet up with my mil or her partner anymore because i found out that they had been saying unkind things about me. I’m of the opinion that life is too short to waste any of it spending time with assholes.

BronwenFrideswide · 28/08/2021 20:01

I don’t have any problem with him taking Dd or having her at the house. The ideal would be he takes Dd to him and I stay at home..we only have one car, so having him at the house involves him going to pick him up and bring him to the house. I’d have no car to go out, but could walk somewhere I suppose.

Thanks for answering. Then if I were you I'd suggest dp goes to meet his friend and takes your daughter with him, if he insists he comes to the house suggest the friend books a taxi and then you can go out in the car.

HalzTangz · 28/08/2021 20:05

Why are you holding a grudge against his mate, your DP was also bitching but you didn't banish him.
Your DP probably started the bitching conversation and his mate backed him up (as mates usually do).

If 10 years have passed and you've forgiven your DP then you should draw a line under it

Hopeisnotastrategy · 28/08/2021 20:08

You don't have to meet this person if you don't want to. It is more than sufficient that he brings up unpleasant memories you do not wish to revisit. State that calmly but firmly and make arrangements not to be there. Do you want your DD to be around him?

5zeds · 28/08/2021 20:09

I guess you could go a bit bunny boiler and serve the same yellow jar curry and make innocuous conversation.

HalzTangz · 28/08/2021 20:12

@Hardtobehappythesedays

It’s still always denied as if I’m crazy. I heard it.
So you still blame the friend, yet stay in a relationship with someone that's lying to you.
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