He bitched about me and now wants to come to stay

[Hardtobehappythesedays]

Hi all,

Around ten years ago, dps good friend from childhood, and my friend (or I thought so at least) came to stay with us for a week (we live in another country)
One night, they stayed up late drinking and talking and I overheard them bitching about me, saying some really hurtful things. Dp and I were going through a rough patch and he was obviously confiding in him, but they both said some horrible things and I was shocked and very upset at the time. I’d had him in my house and cooked for him etc and it was all really hurtful. After he left, Dp and I had furious rows and Dp denied it all, but I obviously heard it.
The years that have passed have meant I’ve been able to avoid him, Dp has seen him when he’s returned to the U.K. but I’ve not seen him.
He’s coming over with friends next week and has asked to meet up/come round, he wants to see our toddler Dd, who I’ve never met.
Aibu to not want to see him? Why would I meet up with someone who spoke like that about me?
Would you?

@Hardtobehappythesedays

I said it to him earlier. I just said he was his friend, not mine, he said he though he was both out friends. I explained that a friend doesn’t bitch about you behind your back, he said he never did and that he can be many things but he didn’t do that and especially wouldn’t to him. I then said that he was part of it, he said he didn’t know what I heard but they weren’t saying anything awful and said that at the time. It’s started it all up again, suffice to say I won’t be seeing him at the weekend.

Your dp id gaslighting you. Does he do this often?

Stick to your guns, don’t meet his friend, DH can go to meet him and leave you the car. Definitely don’t make them lunch!

A simple "Fuck Off" should put him straight OP.

As for your "D"H that is a whole different issue and one that I personally would have found very hard to get past.

I'm sorry he didn't have your back.

@BadNomad I wish I could say that words fail me but I cannot believe that you have actually taken time to sit and write that utter, utter crap!

So her "D"H and friend were being total bastards and it's her fault because she overheard them?!

Have a serious word with yourself. Shameful.

It's not the best thing to hold onto old grievances , from such a long time ago. it's bad for you.

[quote GrandDuchessRomanov]@BadNomad I wish I could say that words fail me but I cannot believe that you have actually taken time to sit and write that utter, utter crap!

So her "D"H and friend were being total bastards and it's her fault because she overheard them?!

Have a serious word with yourself. Shameful.[/quote]
Agreed 💯

@1forAll74

It's not the best thing to hold onto old grievances , from such a long time ago. it's bad for you.

Doesn’t mean you have to have the twat in your house and cook for them.

[quote GrandDuchessRomanov]@BadNomad I wish I could say that words fail me but I cannot believe that you have actually taken time to sit and write that utter, utter crap!

So her "D"H and friend were being total bastards and it's her fault because she overheard them?!

Have a serious word with yourself. Shameful.[/quote]
Lol ok. I presume you're going to tell off every OP on Mumsnet then who posts about their parents, in-laws, partners, children, neighbours etc for bitching about them behind their backs? I never said she should host the guy. That's up to her. But it's doing HER no good dwelling on this after all this time. She said herself she still thinks about it.

@BadNomad posting on an ANONYMOUS forum is not the same as hearing yourself bitched about in your living room. Do you seriously not get that?

They were idiots for being loud enough to be overheard. It doesn't change that they weren't saying it to her. They weren't trying to hurt her.

It's been 10 years.
I'm a different person now than I was 10 years ago.

Your DH was bitching to his friend who joined in quite happily it seems. You stayed with your husband who was the worse of the two. I can't understand not giving his friend the chance to show his own growth. Or lack of.
Seems so petty, especially not allowing him to meet your child. Who is also your husbands child.

If you really can't move past this, I'd send your dh and child off for the day to spend some time with his friend and I'd do something for me. I kinda imagine you'd spend the time resentful and seething though.

@Hardtobehappythesedays

Your H is still there and still causing you to believe you are crazy because you let him.

I am curious to know why and how it came about that the two of you got together after you broke up following the betrayal?

@CJsGoldfish

It's been 10 years. I'm a different person now than I was 10 years ago.

Your DH was bitching to his friend who joined in quite happily it seems. You stayed with your husband who was the worse of the two. I can't understand not giving his friend the chance to show his own growth. Or lack of.
Seems so petty, especially not allowing him to meet your child. Who is also your husbands child.

If you really can't move past this, I'd send your dh and child off for the day to spend some time with his friend and I'd do something for me. I kinda imagine you'd spend the time resentful and seething though.

I agree. I could understand the OP if he had done something really awful. But to still be dwelling on a bitchy conversation which happened 10 years ago is disproportionate.

What is with your partner gaslighting you?

OP you know what you heard.

The only way you could have imagined it is if you were drifting in and out of sleep while it was happening.

If you were wide awake, and you heard it, then how could have got it wrong.

Your partner has been lying to you about it all this time.

@Hardtobehappythesedays

The strange thing is, he’s all excited and says he love to see me and Dd?!

Id ask him "have you matured? Do you regret the unfair things you said?"

Because i was immature as a younger adult. Engaged in sloppy bitchy but id never do it now. Ten years is quite a long time.

So id ask him outright. But any response along the lines of that was all in your head, id avoid him like the plague. Your h should be kept in the loop. If he doesnt have your back he's a dick

Why stay then if he found me to be that bad!

Why did you stay with him when you heard what he said about you?

YANBU at all - I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of thing and hate it

this is why its so awkward when people confide in their friends who are then expected to be supportive and be on the side of their friend, and then when they end up staying with that partner, then its super awkward. Your dps friend was being supportive to him, making all the right noises at the time and being your dps friend. Ive had chats with friends who are having relationship issues Ive been upfront about things their partners do or say that ive thought unreasonable, but its when my friends were support seeking. It doesnt mean that overall i dislike these people. You can still like someone and support their relationship and even be glad that they sorted their stuff out, without having to believe that theyve never acted badly.
I think youre being harsh, since you stayed with your partner anyway.

If you could clearly hear them bitching about you, why didn't you go and confront them?
If you heard correctly then they wouldn't have been able to worm out of anything and you wouldn't still be holding on to all this angst and confusion ten years later!
As others have said, I honestly can't understand why you've stuck with your DH but you hold such a grudge against the friend. Very odd.

You don’t seem clear on what was said… you’ve said they said awful things? Did they say other things you’ve not mentioned?

One thing I can’t do is someone telling me I misheard/misunderstood something when I did nothing of the sort.

Your problem is your bad tempered, lying, nippy arsehole of a dp and his little accompanying gobby bollocks mate.

If your dp can’t draw up enough man juice to tell him why he isn’t welcome, pick up the phone and tell him yourself.

Make a vastly improved curry (not out of a jar) and joke about how you hope it's better than the last one you all ate together.

Is this post serious? Are there really women out there like this?

To coin that old, immortal line from Rita, Sue and Bob too (which TBF in hindsight is an even more terrible indictment of the horrors of The Patriarchy), 'make your own fucking tea'.

NB. Agree with PPs that DH's odious friend is a red herring. It's the gaslighting - and this is it, in the accurate definition of that word - that really does represent the big red flag here. It's a horrible form of emotional abuse designed to make its target question not only their recollection of events, but their reality, and eventually their sanity.

Once you've seen this kind of thing in action and can recognise it for what it is, you can spot it a mile off in future and it will be less effective, as you'll question the motives of the gaslighter before you question yourself.

I would never be with someone who pulled this kind of thing on me.

[quote GrandDuchessRomanov]@BadNomad I wish I could say that words fail me but I cannot believe that you have actually taken time to sit and write that utter, utter crap!

So her "D"H and friend were being total bastards and it's her fault because she overheard them?!

Have a serious word with yourself. Shameful.[/quote]
Some women will go to any lengths to excuse the atrocious behaviour of men and place the blame for that behaviour squarely on other women.

As a victim of serious sexual crime, I have extensive experience of this. Some of that experience has also been on this site, so I'm pleased to see that when it happens, it's often challenged in the strongest possible terms.

I also say: fuck that noise.

Your problem is your bad tempered, lying, nippy arsehole of a dp and his little accompanying gobby bollocks mate.