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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He bitched about me and now wants to come to stay

183 replies

Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 17:51

Hi all,

Around ten years ago, dps good friend from childhood, and my friend (or I thought so at least) came to stay with us for a week (we live in another country)
One night, they stayed up late drinking and talking and I overheard them bitching about me, saying some really hurtful things. Dp and I were going through a rough patch and he was obviously confiding in him, but they both said some horrible things and I was shocked and very upset at the time. I’d had him in my house and cooked for him etc and it was all really hurtful. After he left, Dp and I had furious rows and Dp denied it all, but I obviously heard it.
The years that have passed have meant I’ve been able to avoid him, Dp has seen him when he’s returned to the U.K. but I’ve not seen him.
He’s coming over with friends next week and has asked to meet up/come round, he wants to see our toddler Dd, who I’ve never met.
Aibu to not want to see him? Why would I meet up with someone who spoke like that about me?
Would you?

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 28/08/2021 18:12

Hmm people moan about their dh’s all the time and sometimes I agree or make suggestion because they want to rant. So I think it depends on what they said.

Not sure I’d accept my dh moaning about me though

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:12

It’s still always denied as if I’m crazy. I heard it.

OP posts:
Heartofglass12345 · 28/08/2021 18:13

He sounds like a fucking dick. My husband would never let anyone talk about me like that and he certainly wouldn't have them back at the house! Why was he criticising your cooking, because you're a woman and it's your job? Did he offer to cook? I'm getting so fed up of hearing about men like this!

Regularsizedrudy · 28/08/2021 18:20

Your husband is gaslighting you

PatchworkElmer · 28/08/2021 18:21

Your husband is gaslighting your about this, which concerns me more to be honest. But no, you shouldn’t be expected to have someone in your home who has been unkind about you. Have you ever addressed this directly with the friend?

Hadalifeonce · 28/08/2021 18:21

I refuse to have DH's best friend in the house. DH understands this, and doesn't invite him. He is fully on board with this, and in fact because of the friend's behaviour, DH has actually cut down seeing him too.

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:22

@Hadalifeonce Did he do something personal to you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:23

@Heartofglass12345 He was laughing about the way it looked, a yellow mess basically, which tbf it probably did. Back in those days I made everything from a jar, but still nasty and bloody rude when I’d fed him!

OP posts:
Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow · 28/08/2021 18:23

Is your dp’s friend aware that you heard his comments? Just wondered if your Dp told him. Don’t think I’d be happy to entertain him even all these years on if he wasn’t trying to hold out an olive branch. And even at that it was a pretty shitty thing for your dp and his friend to do. The things that you can’t get over are generally things that don’t get resolved at the time.

UneFoisAuChalet · 28/08/2021 18:26

The conversation (the bitching) was not led by your dp’s mate OP however much you have convinced yourself. Your partner told his friend about your issues as a couple -unless he is psychic - otherwise there would be nothing to bitch about. Your husband threw you under the bus and used his friend as a cover. Ten years later, still together with a child, all I can suggest is to get over it and move on 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:27

@Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow I imagine Dp would’ve said to him, but it’s still denied to this day by Dp who says I heard wrong 🤷🏻‍♀️Don’t know what to think

OP posts:
leopardprintpants · 28/08/2021 18:29

@UneFoisAuChalet

The conversation (the bitching) was not led by your dp’s mate OP however much you have convinced yourself. Your partner told his friend about your issues as a couple -unless he is psychic - otherwise there would be nothing to bitch about. Your husband threw you under the bus and used his friend as a cover. Ten years later, still together with a child, all I can suggest is to get over it and move on 🤷‍♀️
✨ THIS ✨
Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:29

@UneFoisAuChalet Get over it as in forgive them both and see the friend? The majority of the conversation was nasty from his friends chat, aware Dp would’ve complained/bitched about me, which also hurts a lot

OP posts:
LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 28/08/2021 18:31

The root of this problem is your DP lying to you.

Of course the thing with his friend can’t be resolved if you can’t even discuss it because he keeps on insisting it never happened.

HollyStripes · 28/08/2021 18:32

If your DP still denies it then maybe the friend also doesnt remember it. They had been drinking. Or perhaps he is right and it didnt happen. If you are adamant it did happen then I dont think I could be with someone who lied about something I KNEW was true. That would be a deal breaker for me as it shows hes not sorry and thinks youre stupid and he can lie about it.

However you shouldn't have to see someone or host them if you don't want to. I would be honest and say you are not cooking for someone who spoke so ill of you. In regards to DD I suggest you leave her in the house with DP for a few hours while his friend visits and go see a friend. Or put her wellies on and send them off to the park (however youre risking him coming back with DP and you having to refuse him entry at the door).

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 18:32

You don't want him in your house because you're upset about a conversation that was had a decade ago?

Get over it.

You chose to stay with DP. He was the one in the wrong realistically.

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/08/2021 18:35

It would be the telling you it didn't happen when you actually heard it that would do it for me. OP do you generally try to smooth things over or let things go to keep the peace?

You said that things weren't great between you at the time. Did you talk to girlfriends about him disparagingly?

Maybe it's time to go ballistic at him. 'Don't you dare tell me that what I heard didn't happen' type of thing. And don't back down. Keep going. Unless he acknowledged what had been said and apologised I couldn't stay with him.

Queryquestion · 28/08/2021 18:35

What did he say that was this bad? From what you've said he sounds unpleasant but just a bit of a dick. Not that you should have to see him.

ExtraOnions · 28/08/2021 18:36

He laughed at a curry you made, which you admit yourself was a mess ? What else did he say, because that can’t be it.

esloquehay · 28/08/2021 18:38

10 years is a long time to be holding a grudge...
As long as this friend is not staying at your house, I do not see the issue with being pleasant for a few hours.
Yes, he was unpleasant and crappy 10 long years ago, but can you not just let bygones be bygones?
I'm very different to the person I was 10 years ago, so I truly believe people can and do change.

VorpalSword · 28/08/2021 18:41

Why would you have to prepare lunch? Surely it is your husband’s friend so he must to all the prep (including shopping etc).

If it was me, dh could take the toddler out for lunch and meet friend, nothing to do with you, or you use the opportunity to meet a friend yourself without child!

Unless you want to rekindle the friendship, but it doesn’t sound like you do.

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:41

@ExtraOnions @Queryquestion He said about me putting on weight and how his girlfriend had, but she was pregnant so it was different and there was a reason. He said how once you have children it would be harder to get out of a relationship, just generally mean things and really taking the piss

OP posts:
Awrite · 28/08/2021 18:42

I wouldn't give a shit about what any friend if dh said about me. I would care about what dh said about me and to me.

I agree that it is more likely your dh started the conversation or at least indicated he was happy to have you bitched about.

And he's been lying ever since. To you.

It's really not about the friend.

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 18:42

@Feedingthebirds1 I don’t tend to smooth over things, but there wasn’t much more I could say when he was telling me they didn’t do it, there wasn’t much further to go after that. We haven’t spoken about it since then as it was a long time ago

OP posts:
5zeds · 28/08/2021 18:44

Do you want to see this friend from long ago?

Answer: yes….go ahead
Answer: no……say you don’t want to entertain him.

There is no issue