He bitched about me and now wants to come to stay

[Hardtobehappythesedays]

Hi all,

Around ten years ago, dps good friend from childhood, and my friend (or I thought so at least) came to stay with us for a week (we live in another country)
One night, they stayed up late drinking and talking and I overheard them bitching about me, saying some really hurtful things. Dp and I were going through a rough patch and he was obviously confiding in him, but they both said some horrible things and I was shocked and very upset at the time. I’d had him in my house and cooked for him etc and it was all really hurtful. After he left, Dp and I had furious rows and Dp denied it all, but I obviously heard it.
The years that have passed have meant I’ve been able to avoid him, Dp has seen him when he’s returned to the U.K. but I’ve not seen him.
He’s coming over with friends next week and has asked to meet up/come round, he wants to see our toddler Dd, who I’ve never met.
Aibu to not want to see him? Why would I meet up with someone who spoke like that about me?
Would you?

@NowEvenBetter He’s just always said I misheard, it’s made me wonder if I did? But I’ve no idea how I could have misheard all that and made it all up in my head?

There are so many million people in the world - I'd rather make a new friend than put up with a crap one like this.
Bin the fucker - and be guilt free about it.

So it’s ok for you to shag a guy who bitched about you, but not ok for one to visit a few days.

Weird.

Your partner treated you far worse than this bloke yet no only did you forgive him, you stayed with him for another decade and had a child with him. And he’s still treating you like shit by denying what you heard from your own ears. So it doesn’t add up that you won’t even let his friend visit. Are you projecting the anger that you should feel to your partner onto his friend because that’s easier than facing up to who you’re in a relationship with and quite how badly you have let him and continue to let him treat you? Why didn’t you end it immediately at the time?

[quote Hardtobehappythesedays]@NowEvenBetter He’s just always said I misheard, it’s made me wonder if I did? But I’ve no idea how I could have misheard all that and made it all up in my head?[/quote]
That’s called gaslighting.

@NowEvenBetter No. we argued for ages, we split, he denied it the whole time

@MayorGoodwaysChicken Because he denied it and said it didn’t happen and then o started to wonder if I did hear it wrong, I don’t know.

@HocusPocuss Why did he stay with me then, it doesn’t make sense

I’d take the kid out. For the day and let your selfish oh deal with him.

@Hardtobehappythesedays

It’s still always denied as if I’m crazy. I heard it.

This is by far the worst bit

I would just say no. I have declined to see unpleasant people before, you do not have to do this. Tell your DP why and who cares if he disagrees? You know the truth about why.

I would really struggle to stay with someone who lied to me like that though, very odd.

Agree @LadyOfLittleLeisure - the denial is the worst bit. I could not forgive someone who denied something had happened when I heard it with my own ears!

1. it was ten years ago. Let it go.
2. your husband obviously bitched about you too and you still stayed

Why can’t you just say no to your husband? You don’t have to justify it or anything. If he says he’s going ahead, go out.

No, I wouldn't do it OP. Why would you have someone in your house who has never been your friend, pretending to be your friend? You'll be doing it through gritted teeth and you'll feel you betrayed yourself afterwards.

I know, I would’ve preferred if he came clean and said we were having problems, I said some awful things and shouldn’t have.
It all gets blurred over time, we’d all been drinking etc. But I remember lying in bed just frozen as I heard it all, how could I have made all that up 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Chickychickydodah He wants to meet Dd

This is your time to put this to bed. Make sure you are out when his friend comes so it's finally clear to your husband that you are not a doormat.
You have let him try to tell you that you were wrong for years when you know you were right- stand up for yourself and do not see this friend.
It's really worrying how you're considering pretending to be ill. Why? Just stand up for yourself and don't be around someone you don't want to be around. Simple

Dp wants him to meet Dd too

Dh surely can entertain his own friend?

He owed you no loyalty.
But your partner did.

Well what happens when one of your friends wants to meet your child? This is ridiculous! Just go out and leave them to it.

I'd call him and tell him exactly why he won't be coming to your house.

Honestly, I’d get over it I were you. Life’s too short to hold grudges. Your partner was in the wrong, and you’ve gotten over it. Your partners friends loyalty is to him, not you. If you were going through a bad patch, his bitching was supporting his friend. Not nice, but I’d get over it