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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He bitched about me and now wants to come to stay

183 replies

Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 17:51

Hi all,

Around ten years ago, dps good friend from childhood, and my friend (or I thought so at least) came to stay with us for a week (we live in another country)
One night, they stayed up late drinking and talking and I overheard them bitching about me, saying some really hurtful things. Dp and I were going through a rough patch and he was obviously confiding in him, but they both said some horrible things and I was shocked and very upset at the time. I’d had him in my house and cooked for him etc and it was all really hurtful. After he left, Dp and I had furious rows and Dp denied it all, but I obviously heard it.
The years that have passed have meant I’ve been able to avoid him, Dp has seen him when he’s returned to the U.K. but I’ve not seen him.
He’s coming over with friends next week and has asked to meet up/come round, he wants to see our toddler Dd, who I’ve never met.
Aibu to not want to see him? Why would I meet up with someone who spoke like that about me?
Would you?

OP posts:
RamblingJenny · 28/08/2021 20:19

Reading through thread so I am sorry if someone has posted similar. OP I have been in a very situation, husbands friend never took to me and treated me horrendously in a very under-hand way that could never be called out.
What I will say is that everyone posting that it’s more of an issue that you stayed with your OH obviously doesn’t understand the inner workings of these friendship arrangements.
What I do know is that it was worth me not leaving my husband because of this friend because my husband is a decent person away from him. Some people change around other people, it almost becomes instinctive and hardwired. It took a long time for me to see that my husband couldn’t always help the way he sometimes changed around him, it was like how grown adults revert to childlike behaviours when visiting parents over Christmas.
It’s took a lot of time and distance and now when my husband does see his friend, he does not revert back to his ‘old self’ - but I’d understand if it sometimes slipped.
The friend did meet our kids after not seeing them, they were both young. I think it was a case of the friend realising we were the real deal now we had kids and there was no way really that he could break us up. When we were younger he most likely thought there was a good chance he could break us apart.
Let him see your child once, with supervision, simply for the satisfaction that you can smugly show him that you didn’t let his poison win. If you don’t let him see your child you will look petty or purposefully being difficult. Then make sure your OH keeps his distance from this friendship and that your kids never see the friend again. Make it clear to your OH it’s a one off and that you are comprising and being fair. That way it won’t come back at you again.

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 20:28

@RamblingJenny He can meet Dd. Did you see his friend again?

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 28/08/2021 20:31

[quote Hardtobehappythesedays]@NowEvenBetter He’s just always said I misheard, it’s made me wonder if I did? But I’ve no idea how I could have misheard all that and made it all up in my head?[/quote]
OP you said in an earlier post you couldn't hear it all so it is possible you misheard or misinterpretated what was said.
The food remark I would just bat away, you said yourself it looked bad, which is what you heard him also say.
As for the weight remark, I actually took that as your wife is putting on weight just likely wife (his being pregnant) therefore hinting or fishing to see if you were also pregnant.

I don't get why (if you are right about what you say) you can forgive your DP who in that case has been lying to you for the last 10 years, but can't sit and be polite for a couple of hours to the other person involved. If anything I would use his visit and raise what you heard, it may give you the apology your DH doest seem to want to give you

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 28/08/2021 20:31

People are wired differently, and I totally get where you are coming from.

I find these kind of things hard to forget/get over

For me, to be able to move on from this sort of thing, I need a frank chat where both sides can apologise

Your dP handled it badly by never allowing this conversation between himself and you.

Personally, I might allow this person to visit for Dp sake but would be a bit cool and distant and possibly try to be out

Once I know someone does not like and respect me, I accept that (it’s life) but I would not want to be in a position where I have to engage in more than brief and polite chitchat with this person.

Some people are just like that. I do not choose to be like this. It’s just how I am, luckily this kind of thing has not happened often to me

Good luck OP

Rosebel · 28/08/2021 20:34

You don't have to see anyone you don't want to. You don't even have to say why. Just say no. Or he can come over, your husband can cook and you can go somewhere nice with your DD.
My wedding was great but would have been even better if my husband hadn't asked his friend to be best man. I really really hate him. I haven't seen him since then (8 years ago). My husband knows how I feel. He doesn't expect me to spend time with him.

IWantT0BreakFree · 28/08/2021 20:52

[quote Hardtobehappythesedays]@IWantT0BreakFree You're right, we split for a while because of it.

He doesn’t expect me to host though, hasn’t even mentioned that, I normally would but I’m not[/quote]
So you split up because of this incident but then got back together without having resolved it? He's still denying it and gaslighting you, and he's still friends with the person who said all those things. Of course it's still an issue. It was never resolved.

Again, it's not about the friend. You're just mad about the visit because it's dredged up all these emotions about your DH that you've been trying to ignore. Long term, you either need your DH to admit what happened and apologise so that you can deal with it and hopefully put it behind you. Or you just accept that he's a gaslighting emotionally abusive (yes - gaslighting is EA) shitbag who has no loyalty but you're choosing to stay with him (put up and shut up, basically). Or you say, actually I do know what I heard and if you don't have the smallest amount of respect for me to just admit it and take responsibility then you can sod off. Those are the choices. Seems like so far you're going with the second option and it's not working out great for you if you're experiencing so much anguish after a decade.

RamblingJenny · 28/08/2021 20:53

@Hardtobehappythesedays

No I haven’t actually thinking about it, my husband sees him maybe three times a year and I’ve made in very clear that it isn’t to be a regular thing as he causes so much tension every now and then on purpose so he hasn’t changed.
He went through a phase of even posting comments on photos/status’s online which was clearly geared to get under my skin and champion my husband and their friendship. Luckily my husband sees through the bullshit and does not go online often now because of it. Seems extreme but it’s an easy solution to a complicated matter. This was when the kids were very young... think it was one final push from the friend.

He hasn’t tried anything since, been all smiles and strangely complimentary at times.

I try and be civil if I was to bump into him and we have a big family celebration coming up where he is invited (long story but can’t not invite him as he’s in the friendship circle) and this will be the first time I’ve seen him in years but I plan to keep my distance. After that I will continue to not see him. He’s a horrible person.

beastlyslumber · 28/08/2021 20:58

You're not crazy.

The fact that your DH is trying to make you think you're crazy instead of owning up and apologising is a serious problem. It's called gaslighting and it's a form of abuse.

I would tell him NO WAY is his friend coming to the house and tbh I might be also telling him that he can fuck off as well.

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 21:46

Thanks all, yes Dp pisses me off about this too, I’ve never known what to think. Would your loved one really bitch about you? Why stay then if he found me to be that bad!

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 28/08/2021 22:11

@Hardtobehappythesedays

Thanks all, yes Dp pisses me off about this too, I’ve never known what to think. Would your loved one really bitch about you? Why stay then if he found me to be that bad!
He stays because you're a doormat.
Regularsizedrudy · 28/08/2021 22:14

You are being a mug. He won’t tell you the truth because he knows there’s no consequences for lying, even if he knows you know he’s lying. And now your solution to his mate coming round is pretending to be ill? Grow a back bone and tell him he can’t treat you like this.

lovingtheheat · 28/08/2021 22:43

I think you're focusing on entirely the wrong thing here. Yes your husband and his friend were unpleasant about you. However in my opinion your husband's subsequent actions - denying etc are far far worse. You do need to decide whether to deal with this head on for once and for all, or let it go.

lovingtheheat · 28/08/2021 22:44

And I mean both your husband and his friend.

Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 23:23

I said it to him earlier. I just said he was his friend, not mine, he said he though he was both out friends. I explained that a friend doesn’t bitch about you behind your back, he said he never did and that he can be many things but he didn’t do that and especially wouldn’t to him. I then said that he was part of it, he said he didn’t know what I heard but they weren’t saying anything awful and said that at the time. It’s started it all up again, suffice to say I won’t be seeing him at the weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hardtobehappythesedays · 28/08/2021 23:24

*our friends

OP posts:
messydoodah1 · 28/08/2021 23:47

Don’t meet his friend if you don’t want to. And your DD doesn’t have to either. You can always make up a rubbish excuse closer to the time for your husband to tell his friend. Life is too short to spend time with people you dislike. My husband often suggests meeting up with his friends and their wives (who I am not particularly bothered about) and I generally tell my husband to make an excuse and nowadays bluntly say (to my husband) ‘I don’t particularly enjoy their company and they don’t particularly enjoy mine’ (nothing against the person). That should be reason enough. The issues in your relationship, only you know if they are surmountable as relationships are full of compromise. If he’s otherwise a decent kind human being, maybe this issue is forgivable but only you know.

messydoodah1 · 28/08/2021 23:50

Sorry just saw the last post now. Hopefully you both work through this issue. And if you don’t want to see his friend ever again you don’t have to.

Lostinthemail · 29/08/2021 00:00

@Hardtobehappythesedays

Thanks all, yes Dp pisses me off about this too, I’ve never known what to think. Would your loved one really bitch about you? Why stay then if he found me to be that bad!
It might have been the alcohol talking and he genuinely doesn’t remember it?

Anyway, I wouldn’t meet up with your DP’s friend and neither would I let him meet your child.

debbieupper9 · 29/08/2021 00:53

YANBU

QueenBee52 · 29/08/2021 01:17

Your Husband is still gas lighting you too then.. Hmm

TempNameChangexx · 29/08/2021 01:58

Please don't prepare food for them - they're both arses and don't deserve it

ClaryFairchild · 29/08/2021 02:10

I think it's less a case of you mishearing him, but a case of you not understanding how they actually felt - yes they were having a bitch, but probably because he was annoyed rather than truly criticising you. The words are the same, but the intent isn't. Saying those things was likely a way of getting things out of his system, and your DP's friend possibly just got caught up in trying to support your DH in his feelings and went overboard.

Doesn't make it easier for you though.

Balonzette · 29/08/2021 02:17

I really wouldn't believe that your partner's friend was leading the bitching, if you and your partner were going through a rough patch. Friends don't just randomly slag off their friends partners! Partners moan and friends support. It sounds like you just want to believe this for the sake of being able to forgive your partner which is fine and understandable, but it's very unfair for you to forgive him and not his friend, when what your husband did was far worse. If I invited my friend to stay in my home with my husband, and my husband went out of his way to be a welcoming host and cooked, and then I drank too much and starting ripping into my DH, I'd be utterly ashamed of myself. And if it were vice versa, I'd be furious with my husband and hurt and humiliated. I can understand how horrible it feels. But it's HIS fault, not his mates.

Balonzette · 29/08/2021 02:23

Saying that, if you really don't want to see him then you should be honest about it. Say "Last time he visited, I had to listen to the two of you slagging off my cooking and calling me fat and it made me feel absolutely awful and I still feel pretty down about it after all this time. I don't want to see him and I'm not discussing this further. Meet him by yourself but you're not dragging me into it."

And if I was upset enough I wouldn't even let him take the baby to meet him purely because I wouldn't want to expose a young child to the kind of disgusting, insulting way he speaks about women. Which MN will probably flame me for but I'm just being honest.

BadNomad · 29/08/2021 02:54

You shouldn't have listened. That conversation was not for your ears. It was two drunk friends chatting about a bad relationship and awful cooking. It wasn't aimed at you. EVERYONE talks to their friends about other people. Sometimes even bitchy things are said. But the intention is not to hurt other people. It was unfortunate that you kept on listening but you really need to let it go because it was just two friends talking.