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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 28/08/2021 16:34

Is he this selfish or tight in bed op?

Suprima · 28/08/2021 16:35

@treated50

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

My vagina would dry up being with a man like this.

Ugh

This is not a man who is ever going to see you as partners. He’ll be wanting half of the bills when you’re on maternity leave.

Get rid

ButterflyAway · 28/08/2021 16:38

So he’s making you aware he’s in a tight space financially and you’re pissed off about this? Would you rather he was unable to afford food/transport/bills/whatever just to treat you?

Maybe he feels too awkward to suggest you pay your own half if you’ve made no moves to do so.

bluebeck · 28/08/2021 16:39

I had to dump a former boyfriend who was like this. It just caused resentment over time.

ButterflyAway · 28/08/2021 16:39

And as for the PP who’s vagina would dry up at someone not being able to afford spending money on them, says it all about the type of person you are really.

Potpourri23 · 28/08/2021 16:39

So he wants to play the big man when you're out, showing off the fact that's he's paying, but then goes back on it in private? Nah.

Suprima · 28/08/2021 16:40

@ButterflyAway

So he’s making you aware he’s in a tight space financially and you’re pissed off about this? Would you rather he was unable to afford food/transport/bills/whatever just to treat you?

Maybe he feels too awkward to suggest you pay your own half if you’ve made no moves to do so.

This man can’t afford to date if he can’t take turns paying for a bowl of pasta for his girlfriend Hmm

He has told the OP he is ‘treating her’, wanting to look like the big man with the card machine then sheepishly asking her for money the next day.

Mrstwiddle · 28/08/2021 16:40

He’s tight, get rid.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/08/2021 16:42

@ButterflyAway

And as for the PP who’s vagina would dry up at someone not being able to afford spending money on them, says it all about the type of person you are really.
Lol. My thoughts too.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=6vwNcNOTVzY

M0rT · 28/08/2021 16:43

I don't know if he's tight or just wants to look like he's paying in public.
But yes this would annoy me.

ButterflyAway · 28/08/2021 16:43

@Suprima so basically you think people with low financial incomes shouldn’t be dating? Hmm

TiddleTaddleTat · 28/08/2021 16:44

Perhaps he can't afford to cover the meal? What's his financial situation like?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 28/08/2021 16:44

are you staying with him? If so, then change the arrangements so you each pay your own way on all dates and start getting your money back if he asks you to buy him something.

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:44

@Suprima

To be fair to him, he never said explicitly that he was 'treating' me.

The bill came and he just paid it. Then I said thank you, and we went on our way. He never mentioned anything for the rest of the evening... until this afternoon when he text me asking if I'd mind paying half. I'm confused as to why he didn't suggest half at the time, or in the same evening. It takes the shine away from it to be honest when you get a text the next day asking for money.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/08/2021 16:45

Wouldn’t be assuming he wants to ‘treat’ you, or transferring money requested only after the event!

Unless this is a deal breaker for you, would explicitly ‘go dutch’ on all dates from now on, get the food/drink when you host him, take a token something sometimes when he hosts you, and don’t shop for him!

Suprima · 28/08/2021 16:45

@ButterflyAway

And as for the PP who’s vagina would dry up at someone not being able to afford spending money on them, says it all about the type of person you are really.
As that’s me, no I wouldn’t want to shag a man who wants to tell me he’s taking me for a nice meal, shows off the the waiter then texts me for cash the next day. Pathetic. If you want a 50/50 relationship, be clear about it. Stop trying to play Big Alpha Male Provider at Bella Italia.

But seeing as you are cross that a woman DARES to want a treat from her boyfriend as part of a relationship where you know, you do nice things for each other and spoil the other, I will take that you are with a miserly man and want to feel better about that.

Driftingblue · 28/08/2021 16:46

There are two possibilities here. One option is that he is tight which is not something that is very attractive. The other option is that he is living a lifestyle beyond his means. If it is the second I would run for the hills. I would have no problem with someone who was honest and said that we need to keep the costs of our dates low. I admire someone who knows their own financial situation and spends money responsibly. It’s the people who aren’t responsible with money, no matter how much of it they have, that don’t make good partners for life.

MagnoliaBeige · 28/08/2021 16:46

I’d be annoyed too and would make sure you’re clear before you go anywhere in future whether it’s his treat, 50/50 or your treat. It’s not going to help you budget your own money if he suddenly asks for payment for something you hadn’t expected.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/08/2021 16:47

@treated50

Your relationship sounds very cold and transactional and like you are keeping score. I don’t understand the obsession with keeping everything equal to the penny. Honestly, you deserve better than to be constantly weighing up you’ve done x, y,z and he’s done a,b,c is it equal?

FOJN · 28/08/2021 16:47

If money was that tight then he wouldn't need to look at his finances the day after to find out, he would already know. If money is tight then he needs to be up front about that so you can discuss how the cost of things can be covered fairly.

I don't get the impression you're annoyed at paying your way but more about him allowing you to think he's treating you and then being asked to contribute after the event.

If he's as tight as he seems it won't get any better so I'd get rid of him or if he is acting this way because he genuinely short of money then his communication skills are poor which would be another reason to get rid. Either way he needs to go before you find yourself lumbered with a cocklodger.

lynxca16 · 28/08/2021 16:48

He is a miserable, tight, controlling person - it is the next day message regarding sharing the bill that gives it away.
Ditch and move on

SukonthaM · 28/08/2021 16:50

[quote ButterflyAway]@Suprima so basically you think people with low financial incomes shouldn’t be dating? Hmm[/quote]
Oh stop making stuff up. No ones said that and it’s not what happened. The op and her bf take turns in paying the bill, but every time he pays he asks for the money back. If he can’t afford it at the time he should say it there and then. He’s penny pinching and this isn’t fair. He’s not said ‘I’m a bit skint so we can’t eat out/need to go somewhere more affordable when it’s my turn to treat’.

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:51

@PlanDeRaccordement I don't keep scores. I'll make mental notes of, 'oh he has paid for dinner, that's nice, I'll get him some beers / food next time I go to his.' I'm the least counting pennies person imaginable, which is why I find his behaviour odd. I wouldn't ask for money back the next day after giving the impression I was treating someone. I'd make a note either to not do it again, wait for my financial situation to improve before doing it again, suggesting we do 50/50, suggesting some inexpensive dates we could do next time etc.

OP posts:
HawksAreRed · 28/08/2021 16:52

He wants to look the big man by 'paying for you' in public, then taking it back when no one is looking.

I would just always insist on paying half from now on, if you want to continue seeing him.

HawksAreRed · 28/08/2021 16:53

I wouldn't say he's being controlling though. Just spending beyond his means.