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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:

Original poster

treated50 · 28/08/2021 17:55

@burritofan

I'm not counting up the pennies / gifts / drinks / treats /dinners / nights out. Just making sure it is roughly equal.
This is completely contradictory, though?!

What I mean is, I don't have a mental spreadsheet out of 'he spent £50 on dinner', I must now equal that £50. I will think, 'oh it's lovely he got dinner, I will remember to get extra shopping / beers the next few times I go shopping', or 'I will book theatre tickets for us, or a fun activity.'

OP posts:

Clymene · 28/08/2021 17:55

I'm seems to me like you're trying to do a 'taking it in turns' thing whereas he is doing a 50/50 thing.

From now on, I'd just chuck my card on the table every time you eat out.

That said, I'm curious whose idea it was that you drove to a distant restaurant and who suggested you drive?

BadNomad · 28/08/2021 17:56

so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances.

Eh. Sounds like he wanted to treat you but then realised he actually couldn't afford to on those 2 occasions. Stop "treating" him. It's not really a treat if it comes with expectation and resentment if not treated back. Your relationship sounds expensive.

Aprilx · 28/08/2021 17:57

@treated50

To be honest, going 50/50 on everything just isn't my style. I like being generous and treating the person I'm with, and it's nice to be treated back.

You sound a bit childish with the “treating” comments. If you don’t want to split every bill 50:50 then alternating paying is simply splitting costs like adults do, it isn’t “treating” each other.

Anyway on the occasion in question, he didn’t even say he was treating you, he got handed the bill (men usually are) and you let him pay whilst you sit there simpering “thank you for treating me” when he hasn’t suggested he is!

Original poster

treated50 · 28/08/2021 17:57

@Clymene His suggestion of the distanced restaurant, I offered to drive as he'd had a tiring day and wanted to drink.

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 17:58

OP your mental notes and his mental notes are clearly not adding up to the same.

Stop with this thing about being "treated".

Pay your half and take out all the guesswork.

Aubree17 · 28/08/2021 17:58

Do you pay outright for meals on other occasion?

Am I'm assuming you don't later ask for half?

Were these meals really expensive?

If nothing else it's a huge turn off.

Dogoodfeelgood · 28/08/2021 17:59

Everyone is misunderstanding the OP, I date in exactly the same way, you’re gifting each other and picking up the bill for alternate things in a way that seems fair for both of you (or so you thought obviously).

OP is clearly not “tallying” things up, rather just making sure she’s contributed a fair amount to their dates or stay home dates.

OP I would ask him about his budget and finances before proceeding, if he’s having financial problems then you can decide to go on on a more equal split for every bill and you can stop buying him gifts or groceries etc as that’s probably putting him in an awkward position if he is skint.

Then it’s up to you whether you want to date someone where this level of financial splitting is required.

cabingirl · 28/08/2021 18:00

I agree with the previous poster who says your system is too confusing and clearly easily leads to missteps.

You said in the title "being treated then asked for money" but in the example you weren't being treated.

If he'd said as the bill came - "let me get this one, darling" and then next day had texted you for money then that would be one thing.

Seems like he expects 50/50 for meals and was politely waiting for you to give him your share. He waited quietly till next day and then decided to prompt you as it looked liked you'd forgotten.

Your system of give and take is at the moment only in your own head as you haven't had a conversation with him that that is what you are doing.

RJnomore1 · 28/08/2021 18:00

He’s a taker, you’re a giver and right now he’s taking the piss letting you give to him
and keeping an account for you.

This will get worse as a relationship goes on and it’s also not a nice way to live and you will end up resentful and feeling like you’re being taken advantage of. I’d walk.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 18:00

@Aubree17

Do you pay outright for meals on other occasion?

Am I'm assuming you don't later ask for half?

Were these meals really expensive?

If nothing else it's a huge turn off.

The "turn off" works both ways you know.

MadameMinimes · 28/08/2021 18:00

He’s probably asking you afterwards because he’s embarrassed at the time. I’m finding it odd that when the bill arrives there isn’t any conversation about it at all. The default should be splitting, both people get out their wallet/purse and then if one person wants to “treat” the other they wave it away and tell the other person that they will pay. Just not making any move to pay and then thanking the other person for “treating” you sounds odd to me. I can understand why he might feel awkward at the time. If he’s got his wallet out to pay his share and yours has stayed firmly in your bag I can see why he might feel pressured to pay the whole bill rather than explicitly asking you to pay. The comparison to the art work is actually interesting, because in that case he offered to pay and you waved the offer away. That’s treating someone. This is more like him asking you to pick up the artwork for him and then when you take it round to him, him saying “thank you for treating me” rather than offering to pay you back.

AnneKipankitoo · 28/08/2021 18:01

Talk to him.

Knotswapper · 28/08/2021 18:01

I'm generous and like to treat people and didn't see the red flags on my XH. He screwed me over financially for 25 years, didn't contribute to the household bills, the car, disappeared to the toilet when the bills came in restaurants, failed to pay school fees etc etc leaving me to pick it all up. A few years ago I found a bank statement that showed he'd got a $50K redundancy package - didn't mention it and just pissed it all away on himself. Funnily enough now I've got away from him he hasn't contributed a penny towards DD since the day I left. Be very careful OP, don't be me.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 18:02

"Your system of give and take is at the moment only in your own head as you haven't had a conversation with him that that is what you are doing."

In a nutshell.

TheSilveryPussycat · 28/08/2021 18:06

What will happen the next time he asks you to buy something on his behalf (and with your money)? Will you give it to him, like the time before?

Bollindger · 28/08/2021 18:06

You tell him, you drove and thought he was treating you.
You then send him less than he asked for and say you have taken his share of the Fuel cost out.
Do not buy him groceries anymore, if he asks say yeah, can you transfer X amount over as I am short.
Stop being nice, he isn't nice to you. Stop the gifts, go low prices gifts at xmas...

Onelifeonly · 28/08/2021 18:06

Sounds like you have different attitudes to money which could be a problem long term. Sone people are generous and splash cash they don't have, while others are stingy and are sitting on pots of money.

I'd suggest going halves when out and funding what you each provide at your own place. You can then each take wine / beer as the guest if you wish (as anyone visiting someone might do).

I wouldn't buy presents personally unless there was a particular reason eg his birthday. Let him pay for what he wants to buy and accept refunds if he hasn't the money at the time.

I think you don't want to be in the situation that he assumes you'll bail him out as this could escalate, especially if he is tight with money or on low wage. Think about keeping it roughly equal in general (without actually counting the pennies!).

Original poster

treated50 · 28/08/2021 18:08

@Bollindger I would hate to be in a relationship like this, which it appears I am heading for

OP posts:

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/08/2021 18:08

I will think, 'oh it's lovely he got dinner, I will remember to get extra shopping / beers the next few times I go shopping', or 'I will book theatre tickets for us, or a fun activity.
But why? Why wouldn't you just get dinner next time, instead of doing his bloody shopping for him?! It's baffling.'

Blossomandbee · 28/08/2021 18:08

It could be because he's tight, because he's short of money, because he's controlling.... who knows. You need to have a talk to him. Can he actually afford all these meals out and drinks? He might feel you're buying him a lot that he can't afford to pay back or do the same for you. He needs to be honest, and you both need to establish some ground rules on who pays for what and if you need to reign it in a bit.

Janaih · 28/08/2021 18:09

"Your system of give and take is at the moment only in your own head as you haven't had a conversation with him that that is what you are doing."

In a nutshell.

Agreed.

myheartskippedabeat · 28/08/2021 18:10

@Suprima

I did a proper belly laugh 😹
"My vagina would dry up"

But yes @treated50

Big red flag 🚩he's a right guy don't get involved and dump and run

Imagine discussing bills and food shopping and kids etc......

He sounds a
Nightmare to be honest

Newkitchen123 · 28/08/2021 18:12

A treat is not a treat if you expect one back! A treat is not a treat if the person doing the treating isn't aware that you've decided they're treating you.
A treat is when one person says put your money away this is on me.
Next time you agree to go out / stay in go the supermarket whatever agree on advance who is paying. It's not a difficult conversation to have for an adult

Original poster

treated50 · 28/08/2021 18:13

@Newkitchen123 No it's not a difficult conversation, but how bloody unromantic to be constantly discussing money and who is / isn't paying, whose turn it is, who owes what.

OP posts:

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