Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

[treated50]

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

I think OO has left the building 😳

OP lol

@MadameMinimes

I’m a bit at people saying they would just expect a man to pay everything. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone say that in real life. That must be pretty unusual now.

This is specific to online dating- but I always expect a man to pay in early dates. I would always offer, but I think the lesser if they accept and then don’t see them again.

This is self preservation and a form of vetting. A man paying weeds out the ones who are multiple dating with no intent of a relationship (using tinder as free prostitution) and ensures that you are only seeing those who want to impress and are desperate to spend time with you.

On a romantic note, throughout history, men have travelled great distances to be with the one they loved and commissioned beautiful artworks to express their darling’s magnificence. Men will do anything to impress their dream girls and make them happy. Men like this don’t text in the morning and ask for half the bill. If I’m no one’s dream girl- I’m not interested. This is not only financially oriented- but applies to effort, planning lovely cheap/free dates or trips, keeping in touch. This man isn’t doing that, and his stingy behaviour is telling. He wants a chauffeur and a personal shopper.
Mean with money, mean with love. When commitment is solidified and he has proved himself, things can be more equal then.

But I am of the mind that men must enhance my life. I earn good money, own my home and have a full social life- I don’t want to sacrifice a moment of my precious time for a ‘nice man’ who would think you a gold digger (LOL) if he picks up the bill at TGI Fridays. A 50/50 minded also leads to relationships where the man still wants half the bills when you are on maternity leave. Ugh.

Women should seek relationships with the best men possible, who make their lives beautiful and easier, not settle out of fear of being alone.

People are quick to throw around the term ‘gold digger’ but men leech just as much, then they become ‘housework diggers’, ‘buy a birthday card for my mum diggers’, ‘organise Christmas diggers’ ‘emotional support diggers’. I don’t want to waste a minute with a man like that- and by sticking to my principles, I am in a relationship with a kind, loving, generous man who is always planning lovely things for us to do.

@Suprima

Throughout history? You mean when women couldn't vote, work or own property.

As for your self-preservation theory... far better to pay your own way. It's sends a message you're not to be messed with and owe him nothing.

I’m amused by your touching belief that a woman refusing to pay for her TGI Fridays dinner is somehow equivalent to her positioning herself the object of courtly love outpourings, inspirer of timeless works of art etc. Your equation of male spending with female worth is pretty disturbing and reactionary, though.

@PallasStrand

I’m amused by your touching belief that a woman refusing to pay for her TGI Fridays dinner is somehow equivalent to her positioning herself the object of courtly love outpourings, inspirer of timeless works of art etc. Your equation of male spending with female worth is pretty disturbing and reactionary, though.

That was to @Suprima.

Get rid and find someone closer to home that you don't have to spend hours of travelling time to visit. Find someone that you can meet locally and don't spend time cleaning their homes. Go out for meals etc and just split the cost equally, no more buying artwork, beers and food for their homes.

@PallasStrand

I’m amused by your touching belief that a woman refusing to pay for her TGI Fridays dinner is somehow equivalent to her positioning herself the object of courtly love outpourings, inspirer of timeless works of art etc. Your equation of male spending with female worth is pretty disturbing and reactionary, though.

Likewise. I fucking despair at what some women and teaching their daughters.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@SukonthaM

You asked “why is that (keeping score) a bad thing?”

Please read the article I posted so the psychologist who wrote it can explain why it isn’t good. Here are a few lines from it:

“Couples who constantly keep score, measuring deviations from expected performance, set themselves up for a host of bad feelings and unpleasant exchanges. We don’t tend to think of our close relationships as playing fields where parties rack up points and penalties. However, when this happens, even without conscious intent, the potential is rife for misunderstandings and arguments.”

“Couples who keep score damage their potential for healthy relationship maintenance because the very act of counting who does and who does not keep up their end of the bargain implies a lack of trust, rigidity, and negativity.”

They sum up by saying
“Toss the scoreboard if you want your relationship to be maintained to its fullest positive emotional potential. You may not always be taking as much as you give, but in the long run, it won’t matter as much as your overall feelings of fulfillment.”[/quote]
Was the psychologist a man? It’s just that in every single relationship I have ever had, I’ve contributed more than the man, in terms of investment and commitment. It seems to me that the only path to a successful relationship is one partner willing to put in more than the other. I have seen this in other people’s relationships as well as my own. My ultimate decision was to remain single, and have been so for fourteen years now, the best years of my life.

[quote AhNowTed]@Suprima

Throughout history? You mean when women couldn't vote, work or own property.

As for your self-preservation theory... far better to pay your own way. It's sends a message you're not to be messed with and owe him nothing.
[/quote]
I don’t owe men anything anyway. What a bizarre thought.

So I should pay my own way less they rape me on the way to the car park? Do I owe them sex? I let them buy me steak frites? Is it a handjob for a cappuccino? What?

I don’t really understand the point you making. You seem desperate to tear me down as an anti-feminist, but you are dripping with your own internalised misogyny?

If a man takes me on a date and I don’t want to see him again. I say so and politely bow out. Any man who thinks I owe him anything will be reported the police.

But regarding your point about ‘showing you are not meant to be messed with’- sadly men will mess with anything.

[quote treated50]@Suprima

To be fair to him, he never said explicitly that he was 'treating' me.

The bill came and he just paid it. Then I said thank you, and we went on our way. He never mentioned anything for the rest of the evening... until this afternoon when he text me asking if I'd mind paying half. I'm confused as to why he didn't suggest half at the time, or in the same evening. It takes the shine away from it to be honest when you get a text the next day asking for money.[/quote]
Because sometimes the expectation is that 'the man will pay' - did the waiter/waitress automatically put the bill closer to him or you? Did he feel awkward at the time but not want to make a scene?

If he asks you to buy stuff, is it something you will both use or just him? If just him, hand him the receipt when you unload the shopping.

There doesn't need to be any bad feeling or comments about 'vagina drying up' rather have an adult conversation.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him about money rather than question your relationship on here, shows immaturity on your behalf.

@Suprima

I think you well understand the point I'm making.

I am an equal, As it happens I earn more than most men I know. Even if I didn't, I don't equate being wooed or impressed with the price of a dinner.

Oh OP, he is a miser. I know - my dad was one!!!!!

Do not set your bar so low. 93% of people who voted think YANBU - the rest are the people who commented here and seem to accept the crumbs off the table from any man. Do not accept these standards - you are worth more.

Please end it with him and move on - do not accept his "oh, I really didn't mean to offend"etc etc BS - he really will never change.

Think about this - while you are with him, you are missing the opportunity to meet someone who would value you and your gifts to them.

@AhNowTed @PallasStrand

I don’t have a daughter to teach I am afraid. She died. So don’t worry about that.

Be desperate to paint me as some kind of feminist anti-hero…but have you been out there? Please note that my post was specific to online dating. Inboxes full of lewd comment, dick pics, men who claim they will want a relationship to get you into bed, married men, men who just want to play text tennis as an ego boost. It’s an actual cesspit and the risk of harm to women emotionally and physically is REAL. Men can hide their true colours- but a man who plans a nice date and pays the bill without fuss is off to a nice start. OLD can consist of a man inviting you for a coffee and walk, then graduating at date 2 to going round to his for a takeaway that you split the bill on- then he expects a shag . I want a man who will romance me. My way weeds (weeded?) them out.

Despite some trying to portray me as a Stepford Wife, I am busy. I have friends and a very fulfilling career. If I spend the time to go out and meet a man, I only want to date men who express intent and want to impress me. Anything else, not interested and I would rather spend time with my pets and my friends, or work on my studies.

You can go out with these men and give them a chance- I don’t want to and neither should OP.

[quote AhNowTed]@Suprima

I think you well understand the point I'm making.

I am an equal, As it happens I earn more than most men I know. Even if I didn't, I don't equate being wooed or impressed with the price of a dinner.

[/quote]
Nope, I saw the point you are making which was ‘if men buy you dinner then they think you owe them a shag’. Which is absolute bollocks. If a man thinks this, I tell them to get in the sea and that is the end of that whether he took me to TGI Fridays or Kudu.

It’s not about being impressed with the price of dinner…I don’t think you see the point I am making. It’s about the man planning a date and picking up the bill because he INVITED YOU OUT on a date.

I don’t entertain men who invite me somewhere supposedly think I am attractive and a joy to spend time with, then digging out the calculator.

Again, you can go out with these men- it’s up to you!

@Suprima I'm sorry about your daughter, truly.

I'm not trying to be mean.

My daughter is 22. She's a kick ass intelligent girl in doc martens!

No, she would not expect the guy to pay, or be romanced in the way you describe.

The world has moved on.

In fact I asked my 26 year old son about this. Apparently the norm is he would pay on a first date, and then either 50/50 after that or take turns.

The young have a much healthier and egalitarian attitude I believe.

Get shot. It's already not a good relationship, it will get you down eventually.

Do you know his financial situation OP?

Ugh save some pain later and get rid now. How tight and miserly.

@treated50
It sounds as though you have very different approaches to money and finances which you've not discussed. If you're embarrassed to raise it now, how will it be in two months', three months', six months' time or more when you've invested a greater amount in this relationship? It's all well and good in having some kind of reciprocal tab if it's being upheld by the other party, but it clearly isn't and you're being put in an impossible situation after the event. As it's happened more than once it's clearly a feature of an inability to control his finances.

Suggest you raise the issue with these ideas in mind:

(a) going 50/50 on everything;

(b) proportionally splitting everything based on your respective incomes;

(c) having a joint budget - I'd call it a kitty - for a fixed period, say, three months (a quarter, if he asks) and seeing how that works.

If having a straightforward discussion about finances is toe-curling for either of you, I'd be inclined to think he's too immature to hold down a relationship with you.

All good wishes.

[quote treated50]@Howshouldibehave That's the thing though. I'm doing them to be kind because I care about him and I was having a lovely time. I want to be generous and cook and help ease the day of someone I care about by doing chores. When it's not reciprocated and you're asked for money the day following an evening that you thought was wonderful, it does make you feel shit when you reflect and realise you'd never do that and start to think about all the lovely things you have done.[/quote]
I think a good read of something like 'The Rules' or 'He's just not that into you' would be in order here. You're trying too hard, OP, and you're training him to put your needs and desires second to his.

Being a Billy Big Balls in public. Nextttttt!

He sounds like a show-off who is fundamentally mean. You have to dump him at some point. You really don't want to waste your time with this guy, you can easily do better.
If he is genuinely so short of cash he should tell you, and if you really like him you can adapt with him to a more comfortable spending pattern. A good relationship needs to be an honest one.

@Potpourri23

So he wants to play the big man when you're out, showing off the fact that's he's paying, but then goes back on it in private? Nah.

This is exactly what I was thinking. And it is this that is off putting, not his inability to pay for things.

Do you always cook at his house, OP, or does he sometimes cook?

Why doesn't he have food in already? Why can't he go to the shop? And why is he tired after work, and you're not? I presume you both work? Usually one person buys food, the other buys drinks in this situation.

Also, nor sure why you paid for his painting, and then have included it in your tally of paying for stuff. Do you earn a lot more than him? I do think he is taking advantage a bit, but that you have created this situation by paying for things when you don't need to.