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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
Newkitchen123 · 28/08/2021 18:16

Better to be having the discussion than unilaterally deciding he's treating you

BadNomad · 28/08/2021 18:16

The thing is, OP, spending on people like you do does not make you nice and kind when it only leaves the other person with two option 1. spend in return or 2. cause an imbalance. So many people here are calling this man names because of a situation you have created. That's not fair on him. Talk to him and find out what he wants. Stop treating him to £80 paintings he wanted to pay you back for ffs.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 18:17

OP you won't need to be constantly discussing money if you just assume you pay your half and stop all this treating nonsense.

It's much simpler.

Eddielzzard · 28/08/2021 18:17

This would put me right off tbh. But next time he 'treats' you I'd ask him straight out if he's going to wait a couple of days and then ask for your share, in which case you'd rather just pay half now. And perhaps next time he can drive so you can have a drink?

Thing is, this sort of monitoring is horrible and I'd rather just play it the way you do.

Cheeeesecake · 28/08/2021 18:23

YANBU. I’ve had one of these, and their tightness ends up making you tight. Then saying you owe them x amount starts making you think “but I bought y & z”. Then you can’t help but keep track of everything because you know you’re going to need to remember it later. Urgh.

Did he ask for exactly half at the restaurant? Where you weren’t drinking?

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/08/2021 18:24

[quote treated50]@Newkitchen123 No it's not a difficult conversation, but how bloody unromantic to be constantly discussing money and who is / isn't paying, whose turn it is, who owes what.[/quote]
Just take turns! There's nothing romantic about doing his shopping in exchange for him having been manipulated into "treating" you to dinner either.

MadameMinimes · 28/08/2021 18:25

But he didn’t offer to treat her at all. If she’d got her purse out to pay and he’d said “put that away, this is my treat”, she might have a right to be pissed of. He ended up “treating her” by default because she made no offer or move to pay her own share. She’d look a right twat if she started asking if he was really treating her when he hadn’t offered to in the first place.

Cheeeesecake · 28/08/2021 18:25

The thing is though @MadameMinimes when she takes him out & pays, he doesn’t later offer up half.

Dogoodfeelgood · 28/08/2021 18:26

God based on these comments romance is truly dead! What on earth is wrong with buying your lover a gift or assuming they might pay for your dinner if you paid for the last one? Precluding financial hardship situations of course.

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 18:26

@Cheeeesecake he didn't say anything at the restaurant, or anything in the whole time we were together (last night and this morning). I just got a random text this afternoon asking if I'd pay towards last night as he'd had a look at his finances. I had one drink and generally drink one drink to his two to be honest.

OP posts:
burritofan · 28/08/2021 18:31

how bloody unromantic to be constantly discussing money and who is / isn't paying, whose turn it is, who owes what.
I actually think financial conversations, honesty and compromise about different incomes and budgets means more than romance: romance is Hollywood kisses/surprise candlelit dinners/“treating”, in your romance language. Long-term compatibility, love and mutual respect comes from honest discourse and finding a common ground when it comes to how you spend or save money.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 18:31

You're not listening OP.

He didn't say anything because you sat on your hands when the bill came and said nothing.

Stop with the treating nonsense, it's not working.

Get your purse out and pay your half and none of this would happen.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 28/08/2021 18:32

I would absolutely hate this. I'm the first to admit that I love being bought dinner, taken to nice places, and not having to scrabble around finding my credit card at the end of a meal, especially early on when things are usually quite romantic. I'm also generous in return and supported my husband when he lost his job and drove him everywhere when he needed surgery. I don't think the two things are mutually exclusive: it's possible to welcome being treated, and also step up financially if you need to.

I can't imagine anything more offputting than a 'stump up half' text the next day, especially as you drove him there and paid for the petrol!

peachykeenjellybaby · 28/08/2021 18:33

I find it a bit irritating. Surely this sort of thing evens out over time. If he pays one week and you pay the next time then its fair. Why keep tabs if youre in a long term relationship

Its not like you expect him to pay each time

Do you earn more than him? Is he trying to keep up with you but not able?

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 28/08/2021 18:34

And, it IS unromantic. His main thought the day after wasn't how lucky am I, wow I hope we carry on seeing each other, perhaps it's getting serious- it was how can I get her to pay! It's deeply unromantic to feel you need to get your money back from having spent time with your beloved, especially if your beloved pretty much pays out for you!

If he was short on money the polite and nice thing to do would be to say 'next week, I'm a bit tight on money how about pasta at mine/drinks at home?' Not to claw back his outlay....

user1471538283 · 28/08/2021 18:35

Could he pay this time and you the next? This is what I insist on with my bf. It sounds transactional but I like to pay my own way.

But when he has bought me something there is no expectation to pay him back.

If you continue seeing him I would clearly say when the check arrives that you will pay for what you've had.

MadameMinimes · 28/08/2021 18:36

There’s a difference between one person treating the other for dinner when they’ve made an active choice and offer to and someone ending up paying by default though. I often take my mum out for dinner, and I enjoy treating her. She gets her purse out and I say “don’t be silly, I’m getting this”. If we went out and she just pretended like the bill didn’t exist, it wouldn’t feel the same at all. I’d probably feel a bit peeved by the expectation that I was paying, even if that’s what I intended.
My dad never lets us pay at dinner when we go as a group. We all protest and say “don’t be silly, you always pay” and he insists. There’s a social nicety that the OP seems to be missing that I would find uncomfortable. I like to treat people and have friends that I “take turns” with. I still always get my purse out when the bill comes and we do the British “no, it’s MY turn” dance.

zogadog · 28/08/2021 18:40

Sounds to me that you've been out for dinner twice now and sat back when the bill came and didn't even offer your half! If a man did that and then said thanks for treating me I'd be very unimpressed!

Maybe he felt awkward asking you to pay your share in front of everyone at the restaurant so did it the next day. I don't think he's done anything wrong?

burritofan · 28/08/2021 18:40

What @MadameMinimes said. For all the “Oh, he’s tight, it’s not sexy”, it’s equally unsexy to sit there like a lump when the bill comes and say “Thanks” as someone pays, as though it’s a given.

The other way around works too: the OP wasn’t treating him when she refused to take payment for the artwork, because he’d actually asked for a loan and she simply refused to take the repayment. An actual treat would be a surprise gift of “I got you the artwork I know you like” with no expectation of reciprocation, not “Don’t pay me back for this because you got the shopping last week”.

AliensEverywhere · 28/08/2021 18:41

[quote treated50]@GreyhoundG1rl he asked me to buy it on his behalf as the shop is near me, on the basis that he'd pay me the money when I next went to his house and dropped it off. I declined as I wanted to treat him.[/quote]
This is interesting since you seem to be generous, is it possible he asked knowing you wouldn't take the money?

Good way of getting a bit of free art if that's what he's done! I hope it's not.

I think when you seem to come from opposite places over stuff like this it'll be something that gets on your nerves more and more and you might end up really annoyed at him.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 18:41

@MadameMinimes

Agreed.

As for a PP, soon as I see the word romantic, they expect the man to pay.

God forbid they should have to "look for my credit card at the end of a meal" 🙄

Iamclaracowbell · 28/08/2021 18:41

Are you getting your card out when the bill comes though? It may be that he really can't afford to treat you, but feels awkward when the bill comes so just pays it whilst wincing inside as he knows it will leave him short. Are your incomes similar? When I met DH I was earning 3 times what he did, so I happily paid for most treat nights out as I enjoyed dining out and I knew it would leave him short to pay for half. Maybe he'd rather go out less often / do cheaper things but is a bit embarrassed to say?

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/08/2021 18:45

@AhNowTed

You're not listening OP.

He didn't say anything because you sat on your hands when the bill came and said nothing.

Stop with the treating nonsense, it's not working.

Get your purse out and pay your half and none of this would happen.

OP I'm not sure I agree with the idea that you should have immediately offered half right there and then when that isn't how it's worked before. But what does strike me is that if the relationship is going to continue (if you want it to) then you are going to have to change your approach, because you're not on the same page and you can't make him change. It might not fit your view of romance, but this is real life not a Mills and Boon novel.

That means you split everything 50/50. If he asks you to get him anything, supermarket or painting, you have to take the money from him. Don't think you're doing a nice thing for him by paying yourself, because that's not how his mind works. If you want to get a box of beers in, only do it if you recognise that it's your choice, not something to offset whatever he's paid for.

At the minute it's irritating you. But if you don't change this is going to turn into resentment. You say the relationship is 'going well'. But this is also the time when you start to find out if you're compatible about a lot of things, and you've already found one area where you aren't. So either you change, or you call it a day.

lottiegarbanzo · 28/08/2021 18:49

Did he actually invite you out to dinner? Or did you agree it between you?

You should have paid accordingly.

Mary46 · 28/08/2021 18:50

The text was rather mean. I think pay half going forward. Its not nice though keeping tabs. When we first started going out meals split and he bought cinema I get food. But not keeping tabs on amounts