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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
Suprima · 28/08/2021 16:54

[quote treated50]@Suprima

To be fair to him, he never said explicitly that he was 'treating' me.

The bill came and he just paid it. Then I said thank you, and we went on our way. He never mentioned anything for the rest of the evening... until this afternoon when he text me asking if I'd mind paying half. I'm confused as to why he didn't suggest half at the time, or in the same evening. It takes the shine away from it to be honest when you get a text the next day asking for money.[/quote]
I see.

I don’t do 50/50. It sets a transactional precedent which is impossible to escape- but if you want this relationship to continue, you will need to move towards this each and every time. You are picking up the bill every other time, and he is making you split it when it is his turn. This is not fair.

So don’t get coffees, don’t bring over luxurious snacks, don’t pick up the bill- if he is going to be miserly, you’ll have to enforce 50/50 at all times.

I reckon this sounds miserable but it’s up to you.

lannistunut · 28/08/2021 16:55

Either you need to split bills upfront, or you can take turns, but him paying and then texting afterwards is odd.

I would try to have one sensible conversation and see what is really going on, but I would be wary as the negative interpretation is he wants to be seen to pay in public, but then also go halves in private. If it were that, I would not be keen.

Be very careful of being generous with someone who is not, that can be really annoying and resentment builds. TBH, I have little time for bill splitting.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 16:58

I'm usually the first to call out tightness in either men or women, but I'm on the fence with this one.

He may just be on a very tight budget.

OP I would give him the benefit of the doubt, revert to 50/50 on everything, but be keeping my eyes open for further signs of a lack of generosity.

Howshouldibehave · 28/08/2021 16:58

I would now say after he’s paid, ‘right, how much was that-what do I owe you?’

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/08/2021 16:58

@treated50
I don't keep scores. I'll make mental notes of, 'oh he has paid for dinner, that's nice, I'll get him some beers / food next time I go to his.'

Those mental notes are keeping score. Here this article explains it more fully, but make no mistake you are keeping score.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201603/do-you-keep-score-in-your-relationships

Sparklfairy · 28/08/2021 16:58

What would he say if instead of transferring the money you just said, "oh don't worry, I'll just get the next one!"

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 17:02

To be honest, going 50/50 on everything just isn't my style. I like being generous and treating the person I'm with, and it's nice to be treated back.

OP posts:
SukonthaM · 28/08/2021 17:03

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@treated50
I don't keep scores. I'll make mental notes of, 'oh he has paid for dinner, that's nice, I'll get him some beers / food next time I go to his.'

Those mental notes are keeping score. Here this article explains it more fully, but make no mistake you are keeping score.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201603/do-you-keep-score-in-your-relationships[/quote]
Why is that a bad thing? Of course you should keep a rough metal note of who’s spent what, there are people out there who will blatantly try to take the piss out of you. And I wouldn’t like the thought of someone thinking I’m being a cf because they’ve paid for 3 dinners in a row and I’ve not reciprocated.

Howshouldibehave · 28/08/2021 17:04

it's nice to be treated back

It doesn’t really sound like he was knowingly ‘treating’ you, he just happened to have made the payment. If he’s not the sort of person to treat partners, is that a deal breaker?

FTM91 · 28/08/2021 17:06

It's a red flag in my book. I had an ex who used to pay for the odd dinner to 'treat' me or whatever. He would then use it against me if I ever asked for my share of something we had agreed to split, calling me ungrateful etc.

In retrospect he was emotionally, financially and sexually manipulative and I'm so glad to be rid of him.

Suprima · 28/08/2021 17:07

@treated50

To be honest, going 50/50 on everything just isn't my style. I like being generous and treating the person I'm with, and it's nice to be treated back.
You have the correct mindset. He doesn’t. What you do now is up to you…
Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 17:08

@Howshouldibehave Okay, he might have assumed we'd go half and didn't realise he was 'treating me'. So why not say that when the bill arrived? Or after he'd paid? Or in the hours of the evening we spent together after the dinner?

It's the letting me believe he's treated me, I'm then thinking about lovely evening we had and the nice things I can do for him in return, only to get a text the following day asking for half the money. It's just not something I would personally do.

OP posts:
ShingleBeach · 28/08/2021 17:09

Yes yes, I get the coming and going with groceries, but do you ever pick up the bill when you are out for dinner?

Waiting staff still will often give the bill to the man.

I think you need to be explicit and pay for dinner half the time, or else always go 50 / 50.

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/08/2021 17:10

Sounds grim, but why don't you make the offer to go halves so that he can either accept or pay for you both because he genuinely wants to?
I couldn't be with a tightarse either, (and he really sounds like one) but I wouldn't sit there saying "thank you for treating me" having made no attempt to offer to cover my share.
It makes you sound like a little kid.

TwinsandTrifle · 28/08/2021 17:11

Yes, he's paying in public then showing his real colours in private.

Get rid. Seriously. This sounds small but it's so indicative of bigger things.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/08/2021 17:12

Okay, he might have assumed we'd go half and didn't realise he was 'treating me'. So why not say that when the bill arrived? Or after he'd paid? Or in the hours of the evening we spent together after the dinner?
Well you said you’d been going out for a few months now and it’s been on this 50/50 transactional basis, perhaps he thought saying this is 50/50 would be a rude reminder as by now it’s been months of 50/50 and that’s the well known terms of your current relationship. At some point after several dates, you can’t expect to be discussing “you know this is 50/50 right?” Each time you go out when that is the precedent and understanding you’ve had for months.

dworky · 28/08/2021 17:12

He's 'treating' you at the time because he wants to appear generous to others. In reality he's mean & manipulative.

thebeatingofthedrums · 28/08/2021 17:12

I find this really unattractive.

I don't mind paying 50/50 at the time, or taking it in turns to pay, but I really hate the notion that one person would make a show of paying in public and then secretly try to claw the money back.

Either he wants to appear the big man or he's living outside his means. If he can't afford to go somewhere nice, that's a conversation to have before going somewhere nice! And if he thought he could afford it, but then realised he couldn't, he doesn't know how to budget properly, and that would turn me off as well.

When I go out with my friends, we're perfectly capable of making clear whether one of us is paying for the other as that person is treating the other, or if one of us is paying upfront because the service is terrible and splitting the bill would be too complicated, and the other will wire them the other half once we're out of there. Because, we communicate.

Doesn't sound like this man can communicate!

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 17:13

@ShingleBeach yes I have done in the past. Or I will get the drinks in the next place.

I also drove us last night so he could drink (a 35 mile round trip to be pedantic about things), I wouldn't dream of asking for petrol money or pointing out I'd funded that part of the night.

OP posts:
tinierclanger · 28/08/2021 17:13

Why aren’t you offering to pay half in the first place instead of assuming he is treating you? Or is he saying “come out for dinner, my treat?”

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 17:14

"so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?'"

Why didn't you offer? Or just get your purse out ready to pay your half?

Howshouldibehave · 28/08/2021 17:15

It's just not something I would personally do

No, he isn’t you, though. He sounds quite different to you-the question is, does that bother you enough to break up?

I guess I would never have left it up to him to say-‘Hey, you owe me £34 for dinner’. Maybe he found that difficult to say face to face and was hoping you’d ask how much you owed him?

Better communication needed, by the sounds of it so you’re both on the same page about money.

It sounds like you want to be treated and he wants to pay halves. Neither is wrong

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/08/2021 17:15

[quote treated50]@PlanDeRaccordement I don't keep scores. I'll make mental notes of, 'oh he has paid for dinner, that's nice, I'll get him some beers / food next time I go to his.' I'm the least counting pennies person imaginable, which is why I find his behaviour odd. I wouldn't ask for money back the next day after giving the impression I was treating someone. I'd make a note either to not do it again, wait for my financial situation to improve before doing it again, suggesting we do 50/50, suggesting some inexpensive dates we could do next time etc.[/quote]
This makes it sound like you never take your turn paying for dinner?
Why would your mental note not be "Oh, he's paid for dinner, my turn next"?
Buying him a couple of beers from the supermarket in return doesn't quite cut it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/08/2021 17:18

@SukonthaM

You asked “why is that (keeping score) a bad thing?”

Please read the article I posted so the psychologist who wrote it can explain why it isn’t good. Here are a few lines from it:

“Couples who constantly keep score, measuring deviations from expected performance, set themselves up for a host of bad feelings and unpleasant exchanges. We don’t tend to think of our close relationships as playing fields where parties rack up points and penalties. However, when this happens, even without conscious intent, the potential is rife for misunderstandings and arguments.”

“Couples who keep score damage their potential for healthy relationship maintenance because the very act of counting who does and who does not keep up their end of the bargain implies a lack of trust, rigidity, and negativity.”

They sum up by saying
“Toss the scoreboard if you want your relationship to be maintained to its fullest positive emotional potential. You may not always be taking as much as you give, but in the long run, it won’t matter as much as your overall feelings of fulfillment.”

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 28/08/2021 17:18

** HawksAreRed

He wants to look the big man by 'paying for you' in public, then taking it back when no one is looking.

I would just always insist on paying half from now on, if you want to continue seeing him.*