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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

507 replies

treated50 · 28/08/2021 16:32

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days. Confused

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

OP posts:
Lotusmonster · 28/08/2021 17:38

@Potpourri23

So he wants to play the big man when you're out, showing off the fact that's he's paying, but then goes back on it in private? Nah.
It’s exactly this OP.
PlanDeRaccordement · 28/08/2021 17:38

[quote treated50]@Bluntness100 Sometimes I offer, sometimes I don't. It depends on the context, what's happened that week, what we've done, what I've paid for, what he's paid for. Sometimes he will offer to pay for things (like if I've bought a few things from the supermarket for him), but then he won't if I buy a box of beers (which are still £10 a go). I'll always decline. If ever I've bought him something, paid for drinks, dinner, a night out, something fun for us to do.. I never ask for half, I just like to treat him, and I would never ask for it back after the fact.[/quote]
That just sounds exhausting OP, the constant keeping score to them decide if you will offer to split a bill or not. If you want the relationship to flourish, you need to have a conversation about money with him. You need to establish an agreement as to who pays for what and when.

This ad hoc, I bought beer for him yesterday so I won’t offer to split dinner tonight...it is exhausting for you to keep track/score on and must be confusing for him as he probably has different tally in his mind.

Have that conversation.

UmbrellaDrops · 28/08/2021 17:39

Ew! Start as you lean to go on. YANBU op he either let's you know its a split on the day or sit with the cost. Asking for money back after giving you the impression of a treat is tight.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 17:39

It's not "treating" him if you expect to be "treated" back to the same value

Just cut out the middle man and pay your half.

And no half-arsed "offers". Just put your money on the table.

Janaih · 28/08/2021 17:39

Maybe he was waiting for you to offer half at the time of bill payment or shortly after. When you weren't forthcoming he had to politely ask the next day.
Have you ever paid the dinner bill in full OP? If you have and he's not offered half then I think he may be a bit on the tight side. If not then yabu. Paying for dinner is not comparable to buying a few beers.

Howshouldibehave · 28/08/2021 17:39

but someone saying they will Pay..instead of being honest and just saying lets go 50/50...its a twat 🌸

I agree. I don’t think the OP’s boyfriend did this, though. He was just the one who paid the bill- she didn’t get her purse out, offer or ask how much she owed.

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 17:39

As an example, he wanted a bespoke piece of artwork he'd seen in a local shop. He asked me to get it for him and said he'd pay me back. It was £80, and I paid for that for him as a gift and declined the money. I'm not tight-fisted, sitting on my hands, expecting him to always pay. I'm actually a very generous person naturally when it comes to money or paying or treating.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 28/08/2021 17:40

Mean with money mean with love
That's why I asked if he was selfish in bed

Personally I'm old fashioned I'm ok with going halves, but if a blokes
Out to impress a dinner treat or cinema would be nice

GreyhoundG1rl · 28/08/2021 17:41

Why did he ask you to buy him a piece of artwork if he didn't have the cash? Confused. How odd.

Jumpingintosummer · 28/08/2021 17:41

@treated50

As an example, he wanted a bespoke piece of artwork he'd seen in a local shop. He asked me to get it for him and said he'd pay me back. It was £80, and I paid for that for him as a gift and declined the money. I'm not tight-fisted, sitting on my hands, expecting him to always pay. I'm actually a very generous person naturally when it comes to money or paying or treating.
Well that was silly. He clearly sees gifts as just that and meals out a shared cost. You need to talk.
GreyhoundG1rl · 28/08/2021 17:42

Odd of you to immediately press it upon him as a gift as well, though.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/08/2021 17:42

I agree OP— it’s not the fact someone can’t afford it — it’s the fact they aren’t being upfront about it — I think it would just be better to preempt in future and say ‘let’s make all trips 50/50 as it feels a bit odd you paying and me then transferring money over.

AhNowTed · 28/08/2021 17:42

@Guiltypleasures001

Mean with money mean with love That's why I asked if he was selfish in bed

Personally I'm old fashioned I'm ok with going halves, but if a blokes
Out to impress a dinner treat or cinema would be nice

Old fashioned = expects the man to pay.

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 17:43

@GreyhoundG1rl he asked me to buy it on his behalf as the shop is near me, on the basis that he'd pay me the money when I next went to his house and dropped it off. I declined as I wanted to treat him.

OP posts:
Flyingantday · 28/08/2021 17:43

Really difficult as none of us were there.

It might have been a miscommunication about how to split the cost and actually it’s just about working out a system that works for you both without misunderstanding.
OR he wants to impress you/others but can’t actually afford to (or doesn’t have a great handle on his money generally.)
OR he’s actually quite tight and while you’ll buy and book and pay for things without counting the cost beyond making sure it works out roughly equal, he’s secretly getting the calculator out afterwards - particularly if he only counts the cost of his own contribution and doesn’t value yours.

If it’s the last one, you may find this only gets worse over time or if you move in together/have children. It may turn out to be an area where you’re generally incompatible, but not necessarily. What is the rest of the relationship like?

girlmom21 · 28/08/2021 17:44

Buying him 'treats' and 'presents' is not the same as paying your half of things.

If he can't afford a meal for two of you he can't afford random gifts and presents on a regular basis.

He's told you very clearly he's a bit strapped for cash. If you want to continue living a specific lifestyle you need to ensure it's feasible for you both. He's telling you it's not.

Princessandthepeas · 28/08/2021 17:44

I’ve just read your comment about the art work - he definitely sounds tight.

It would be put me off if I was dating someone where we had to both get our cards out to pay half the bill in a restaurant. I don’t even do rage with friends - it’s much more natural to just take it in turns or to offer to pay for the other person as a treat.

I don’t think you sound suited, his tight attitude is giving you the ick Grin

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/08/2021 17:44

@treated50

For the record, I’m not saying you are tight or lacking in generosity at all. What I’m saying is that you are a very confusing person to date. You’ve started out saying it’s a 50/50 relationship, and moved on to well it’s not always because we treat each other based on these mental notes you keep score with. Now you’ve said he asked you to pick up art, and he’d pay you back but then you declined the money to make it a gift to him? Sorry but that would annoy me. You just seem exhausting and confusing..,I would have no idea what I’m supposed to pay for or not pay for and whether I owe you or not owe you...is it really a gift if there is expectation of me getting you a gift in return. If I were dating you, I’d love you to pieces but be very confused about the money aspect of the relationship.

Princessandthepeas · 28/08/2021 17:46

*that

EmKayEm · 28/08/2021 17:46

Get rid, get rid, get rid.
Men who keep track in this way are a walking red flag...

Original poster
treated50 · 28/08/2021 17:48

@PlanDeRaccordement but that's the point, I don't give a shit about the money, I'm not counting up the pennies / gifts / drinks / treats /dinners / nights out. Just making sure it is roughly equal. I've only started considering all the things (like petrol, shopping, art work, drinks, take aways) because of his attitude to asking me for money retrospectively, which I wouldn't do and find strange.

OP posts:
insidenumber5 · 28/08/2021 17:49

Why are so many people not reading the OP's posts properly!? 🤯 she's said that she pays for dinner, drinks, and activities too! And doesn't ask for half back the next day! Why are the same posters who are suggesting that she is a gold digger suggesting the same about him? Or is he exempt because he has a dick? In my experience dating, 90% of men have been happy enough to let me pay the bill when it arrives and don't put up any argument. Whereas as a woman I always kind of feel obligated to pull my card out so as not to look like a 'gold digger'. And then all these runs to the shop just become the norm and an expectation. So many men are just inherently selfish.

lastqueenofscotland · 28/08/2021 17:50

Me and DP split everything, always have, or take turns. It’s the trying to look like the generous man in from of people to then ask for it back that is a bit gross

burritofan · 28/08/2021 17:51

I'm not counting up the pennies / gifts / drinks / treats /dinners / nights out. Just making sure it is roughly equal.
This is completely contradictory, though?!

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/08/2021 17:52

Ok, then address the money issue with him. It does seem it’s one rule for you, and another for him. Can’t go on as it is. I do agree with you there.