Being treated and then being asked for the money back?

[treated50]

I've been seeing BF for a few months, everything is going really well. I feel our relationship is pretty equal in terms of paying for drinks / dinners / nights out /take aways. I am mindful of money and actively avoid ordering pricey things on the menu if I think he might be paying. I will often bring things over to his and he will do the same when he comes to my house. I'm quite generous and don't ask for money back for things, for example, he will ask me if I mind getting supplies from the shop for him and I will happily buy them and when he asks how much it is I will tell him not to worry. He will also get things in for when I come over that he knows I like or bring bottles of wine to mine.

There are two occasions that have slightly irritated me and both revolve around being 'treated' and then asked to pay half in the following days. On both occasions we have been out for dinner, he has paid at the time (with no discussion of paying half), I say 'thank you for treating me', then I'll get the next one or I'll make sure I make up for it in other ways like buying things for his place. Both times he has then text me the following day asking if I'd mind paying some money towards the dinner. On the first occasion I just sent the money across no problem, but this time I was a little annoyed to be honest... so I asked 'Why didn't you ask me to share at the time?' He then replied saying he'd only thought about it today after having a look at his finances. There have been times where I have retrospectively realised I shouldn't have paid for things as it impacts me (like buying shopping for his house), but I would never dream of asking for the money back in the following days.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed?

Sounds like you're living beyond your joint, or his, means.

If he can't afford to go out for dinner regularly, you shouldn't be going out for dinner so much. I wonder if he thinks, by asking for money and mentioning his tight finances, that he's conveying this message to you but you are not hearing it.

I'd have thought the answer would be 'we have been pushing the boat out a bit recently, shall we plan to eat in and cook for a while?'. See how he responds too that.

You may find that you have quite different attitudes to life and spending and might not be financially compatible.

Of course what he did was crass and rude, there's no question about that. He should have spoken up at the time. You're not his bank or lender, to negotiate with after he's overspent. But I do wonder why he is overspending?

This, as per above

I'd be more worried that it suggests he doesn't have a good grasp of his own finances. I'd worry about his money management / potential debts.

If you want to continue the relationship, I'd suggest talking about money in advance. For example "shall we go out this evening, I'll treat you" or "yes, I'd love to try that new place. Are you treating me, or shall we split it?"

Did you offer to pay half at the time or do you jist sit there and wait Coe him to pay? If the former and he declines then he’s unreasonable he should know his finances,if the latter it’s you that’s unreasonable. You should always offer and all this “treating me” is just odd.

@GreyhoundG1rl

I do take turns in paying for dinners, drinks etc. It might not be as rigid as every other time, but it definitely all equals out at the end. Whether that's me buying and cooking dinner, getting a take away, getting him beers, presents, treats. I've also book things for us to do in advance and paid up front, not expecting him to pay me back for it as that will be my night out to take him on.

[quote treated50]@ShingleBeach yes I have done in the past. Or I will get the drinks in the next place.

I also drove us last night so he could drink (a 35 mile round trip to be pedantic about things), I wouldn't dream of asking for petrol money or pointing out I'd funded that part of the night.[/quote]
To clarify, does the total split of costs work out as broadly 50/50...? Your subsequent post makes me feel less certain about how you're sharing expenses.

Being treated is fine when you take turns, so you're effectively paying 50/50 by another mechanism.

If you're paying for cheap things 80% of the time, and he's paying for expensive things 80% of the time, the treating each other concept doesn't really work, unless he earns massively more than you and is happy to subsidise you.

Drinks in the next place or petrol to get there and back are never going to cost the same as the meal though are they? Personally if I were him I'd have felt awkward that you hadn't offered to pay for yours and I'd prefer to ask you by text not face to face.

Tight with money, tight with love.

He sounds disorganised if he's only figuring out after the fact that he can't afford it. If he's broke, he needs to come up with cheaper date ideas, it doesn't always have to be dinner and drinks out. Tbh, I don't think it's a finance problem (and I've been dirt poor before). I think he isn't overly in control of his finances and he is happier to take than to give. I think he'll happily ride on your coat-tails. I would be very put off by this.

I wonder if it’s to do with him feeling like he should be the one who is paying with how it looks to other people, even just the restaurant staff. Like he still thinks certain places the man is meant to pay, and wants to confirm but can’t afford it.

Also maybe he’s just a bit shit with money.

I much much prefer each treating the other in a way that is proportional to your incomes. E.g DP will pay for an expensive meal out but I’ll buy him brunch, because he earns much more than I do. We never properly track it but work it out in a way that feels proportionally fair. That feels nicer because you get to constantly “gift” each other rather than say - right let’s split each and every bill by whatever the split would be (obviously 50:50 if you’re earning the same).

I couldn’t date someone who needed to split everything 50/50 but I also understand that if money is tight and budgets are strict then this is often the fairest and most sensible way to do things. It does seem very cold though. But I do understand that being able to eyeball it and make an estimation of fairness is a privilege that comes with a certain level of disposable income.

I only split 50:50 with friends as feel that in a romantic relationship the rules are different and if you lived together you’d not be splitting 50:50 if you had income disparity so you most as well start as you mean to go on.

I think if he is keeping n score ,then it's not very nice.is he hard up paying for dc whatever.if he earns a normal wage and you are paying sometimes as well then what's his issue. I would actually say that you Don't mind paying sometimes ,but like the occasional treat as well and see what he says

Honestly I can't understand any woman in a dating relationship sitting on their hands when the bill arrives and saying nothing.

Just get your purse out and then you won't have to be making mental notes over who paid for what, and whether 2 supermarket trips and petrol add up to a dinner.

Op so basically does that mean you don’t offer? You jist sit there and say nothing so he feels compelled to pay then he has to text you the next day and ask?

Why don’t you offer?

@MiddleClassProblem

I wonder if it’s to do with him feeling like he should be the one who is paying with how it looks to other people, even just the restaurant staff. Like he still thinks certain places the man is meant to pay, and wants to confirm but can’t afford it.

Also maybe he’s just a bit shit with money.

I think it’s more she doesn’t offer.

[quote treated50]@GreyhoundG1rl

I do take turns in paying for dinners, drinks etc. It might not be as rigid as every other time, but it definitely all equals out at the end. Whether that's me buying and cooking dinner, getting a take away, getting him beers, presents, treats. I've also book things for us to do in advance and paid up front, not expecting him to pay me back for it as that will be my night out to take him on.[/quote]
Maybe it'd be better to just genuinely go 50:50 in that case, without deciding for yourself that you'll buy him "presents and treats", whilst sitting in a restaurant letting him pay the bill with no prior discussion and thanking him for treating you, when he may have had no intention of doing so.
The thanks for treating me is so odd, especially when he clearly hasn't indicated that he wanted to. Quite manipulative, in fact.

You really need to offer to split the bill, or actively suggest to take it in turns. As it is, you're leaving a void for him to pay, and then he's having to ask you for the money later. Awkward for everyone, but my reading of the situation is that he may feel you're trying to get out of paying for the bigger stuff, and isn't necessarily equating the groceries, activities as a similar value.

@Bluntness100 Sometimes I offer, sometimes I don't. It depends on the context, what's happened that week, what we've done, what I've paid for, what he's paid for. Sometimes he will offer to pay for things (like if I've bought a few things from the supermarket for him), but then he won't if I buy a box of beers (which are still £10 a go). I'll always decline. If ever I've bought him something, paid for drinks, dinner, a night out, something fun for us to do.. I never ask for half, I just like to treat him, and I would never ask for it back after the fact.

Look, just let him buy his own beer and stop letting him always pick up the dinner tab 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's a tight-fisted arse wipe. Who wants to spend their time with someone that mean spirited and petty? You can do better.

What's he like in other aspects, OP?

does he do the driving, take the lead on planning, etc? Is he generous with time and other stuff?

Honestly I can't understand any woman in a dating relationship sitting on their hands when the bill arrives and saying nothing

This.

It does sound rather like you have decided you want to be ‘treated’ to things. I wonder if the poor bloke is totally unaware of this!

My MIL is like this-always telling people how x ‘treated’ them or how they ‘treated’ y. She is a total bloody princess though.

Ask before going out .. is this His treat.. Your treat .. or 50/50...

then its clear ..

but someone saying they will Pay .. instead of being honest and just saying lets go 50/50... its a twat 🌸

I think you guys need to communicate better.

I'll make mental notes of, 'oh he has paid for dinner, that's nice, I'll get him some beers / food next time I go to his.'
But why when he gets his card out to pay don’t you say, “Let’s split this” or “Do you want to get this one and I’ll get the next meal out”? (Bringing food to his isn’t the same as buying a meal out.)

All your updates seem to be based on “Why didn’t he say anything?” but you’re not saying anything either, you’re making mental notes but not talking to him. Just saying “Thanks” and not making a move to your wallet is a bit presumptuous, and is perhaps why he doesn’t speak up: he’s embarrassed you’ve assumed he’s treating, and doesn’t want to have the set-to in public.

Just have an honest conversation with each other about the financial impact of dating, what your budgets are, and splitting vs treating.