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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say this to parents of only children

622 replies

LBirch02 · 25/08/2021 08:51

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

OP posts:
Original poster
LBirch02 · 25/08/2021 08:53

an* only child

OP posts:
Liverbird77 · 25/08/2021 08:57

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation.
If it works for you then great.
I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future.
I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

icedancerlenny · 25/08/2021 08:58

That’s very helpful for people who are unable to have a second due to health issues. Thanks for that. 🤷🏻‍♂️

mdh2020 · 25/08/2021 09:00

Liverbird77 - I’m sorry that you are having a bad time at the moment. But there is no guarantee that any siblings you might have had would have been interested in helping you with your parents. I an one of three and one of my sisters has totally disengaged herself from our elderly mother.

BeautifulTulips · 25/08/2021 09:00

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.
It's lovely that you had a choice to have a second, not everybody does... For many of us miscarriages and failed IVF's are all that happened when we tried to have a second child
StarfishDish · 25/08/2021 09:00

@LBirch02 Thankyou for this. I have 2 siblings and so does my husband. We have a daughter and doubt we'll have another, mainly due to finances so this is lovely to read Smile

PotteringAlong · 25/08/2021 09:01

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

But they are different, surely? Because your family life affects you, influences you. Just the sharing of toys / space / time impacts you. It might not be a negative thing, but you cannot pretend it doesn’t exist.

icedcoffees · 25/08/2021 09:01

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.
But the point is, you having siblings may not change that.

My DH is one of five. He only speaks to two of his siblings and even then only if he bumps into them in public! We've been married three years and together six - I've still not met his older sister and they've not spoken for 20 years.

Siblings don't always get along or even speak going into adulthood.

DupontsLark · 25/08/2021 09:03

Settles down for tiresome game of MN Lonely Only bingo.

They'll be wandering the earth all alone when you die ... and before that, they'll be your carer with no support from siblings ... yawn

HappyTimeTunnelDinosaur · 25/08/2021 09:03

@liverbird77 I'm sorry you aren't happy as an only child, however I don't think siblings are guaranteed help. I know of many cases where it is left to one child.
For me, I don't want to be a burden to my family if I live long enough for it to matter, I'd rather go into a home if my needs were that great.

I think people should have the best number of children for them, but thoughts of future care responsibilities wouldn't come into it for me.

MintyCedric · 25/08/2021 09:05

@Liverbird77

I'm in the same position...my dad passed away in May after 18 months on 'end of life' care, and 2.5 years after a fall that saw him break his back in 4 places. I took a years unpaid sabbatical to support mum and care for him and am back to work next week.

It is utterly gruelling doing it on your own (we have no extended family near enough to help either), but having seen what friends and acquantiances have been through with siblings I'd still prefer it.

It was hard enough dealing with my mum's differences of opinions about his care, having to negotiate with brothers and sisters would've just added to the already barely tolerable stress.

Hopefully Covid issues will continue to dissipate and that will mean more help available for you.

If you're not already on it, the Elderly Parents thread on here is marvellous. The Cockroad Cafe has saves my sanity on several occasions Flowers.

Original poster
LBirch02 · 25/08/2021 09:05

Liverbird77 sorry you are going through this stressful time - I do agree that being an only child isn’t always easy. If your family situation is difficult then no one knows how you feel. Dealing with ageing parents can be very difficult on many levels.
You do read very often though that sometimes in large families all the legwork is sometimes left to one sibling. Also maybe in an ideal world maybe ageing parents would organise themselves in such a way that any children they have don’t have to face dealing with a ‘mess’. But that would be in an ideal world.

I do also believe a genuinely good supportive bond between siblings can be wonderful as well.

OP posts:
Fiddliestofsticks · 25/08/2021 09:05

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MoonlightMedicine · 25/08/2021 09:07

I am an only. Both my parents have died in the past few years, and I had to go through it all by myself: the grief, the care and the aftermath (clearing house, selling house etc.). Guess what? It was bloody hard, but I am fine and frankly, having seen friends with siblings falling out over possessions, who did the most etc. etc. it was actually good to be in sole control of the situations and decision-making process.

I loved being an only child growing up, too. I made lots of close friends and had a vibrant inner world. I have 2 children now and often feel bad that they don't have the experience I had!

So hear hear OP.

DupontsLark · 25/08/2021 09:07

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MintyCedric · 25/08/2021 09:07

@Fiddliestofsticks perhaps that's a parenting issue rather than an only child issue?

It's certainly not the way I (or my DD, also an only) have been brought up to behave.

MoonlightMedicine · 25/08/2021 09:09

Oh and just to add, not all onlies are the stereotypical spoilt brats everyone talks about. I wasn't, and my dad wasn't. I now know some only children who do fit that mould, but just as many kids from larger families who are exactly the same if not worse.

TheSharpertheJuice · 25/08/2021 09:09

My mum is one of three and is currently dealing with terminal cancer in one parent and early dementia in the other- her brothers may as well not exist for all the help they give, so being an only would actually take out the hugely resentful feeling for her.

My son is an only and he’s a happy chap- he socialises well, lots of friends but happy in his own company. The only ‘downside’ I’ve found is he’s wise beyond his years having spent so much time in grown up company- he sometimes forgets he’s 10!

romdowa · 25/08/2021 09:10

My parents had my brother for me so I wouldn't be alone. We don't speak as he is a nasty and bitter man. I'd have been far happier and experienced far less trauma had I been an only child. My advice is to have subsequent children for yourself, not for your other children.

Alwayswonderedwhy · 25/08/2021 09:11

As an only child I disagree. I was never going to just have one.

Areyouseriousrightnow · 25/08/2021 09:11

If OP is going to come on and say you don’t need siblings to have a good time, @Liverbird77 is entitled to express her opinion that she’d have rather taken that chance. At the end of the day, the OP is making a sweeping statement, so of course not everyone is going to share that view or experience.

Roundtoedshoes · 25/08/2021 09:12

@ Fiddliestofsticks what a load of nonsense. Nightmare? Nice way to describe children. But good on you for perpetuating the myth.

MemoryGame · 25/08/2021 09:12

My best friend growing up was an only child and remains one of the kindest, most generous people I've ever met.

DS2's best friend is also an only and one of my favourite children to have round. Kind, polite, thoughtful and good at interacting with adults.

There is far more to how people turn out than the number of siblings they have or don't have.

Ilikeviognier · 25/08/2021 09:14

Just a point on the dealing with parents property or estate alone - my only sibling was abroad when my last parent died so I had to do it all alone anyway.

Steelesauce · 25/08/2021 09:14

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

I've got 3 and its like Lord of the flies. My niece is an only and is much calmer. She does require a bit more adult input for entertainment but its not a bad thing. Only children aren't a bad thing, its just different to multiple. There are pros and cons to everything, its not something anyone needs to judge.