To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

I have an only child. He absolutely loves it and regularly says (age 12) how glad he is not to have siblings. He’s well adjusted, never behaves in a spoiled way, and is polite and generally lovely to be around. I have seen it from the other side - I taught a lot of nightmare only children when I was a primary school teacher (and some nice ones also). It is possible to bring up a lovely, happy only child as long as you are aware of the traps that you don’t want to fall into.

The downside is that I worry about him being without support when his dad and I are old/ill. That said, my brother is absolutely bloody useless and no support to me at all, so siblings are no guarantee of this anyway.

@Icecreamsoda99

Honest question, for all those saying how stressful and lonely it is to deal with aging parents do you not have supportive partners? Maybe I just feel that way as my brother is very emotionally distant and my DH treats my parents like they were his own.

Definitely it's very much not a guarantee that other siblings will pull their weight. Also that actually sometimes the siblings require additional care and support, and the expectation is that you will carry on providing that forever.

Ugh what a friend

Thread

It stings to hear people write my kind generous, gentle little soul of a boy off, and tell me his future will be hideous

You are being ridiculous. No one, literally no one, thinks that.

I just think that if you had a straight choice between no siblings and siblings, the latter is better. Just as if you had a straight choice between being given a million quid or not being given a million quid, it would be better to have it

I’m not an only. I wish I was as I have needed years of therapy due to my older brother. He is LC with my parents anyway so the burden of care will fall to me.
I currently have one child and think I will leave it at that. There is no guarantee children will get on well and I personally think I will be able to give my DS a much better life if we only have a him (e.g. we will have no (or fewer anyway) financial concerns with just one). My husband is an only child and he loved it 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP what is your actual agenda here?

You started out with a thread title about only children.

Since then you’ve moved on to say that parents need to stop criticising larger families/older parents, so in essence, your thread should have said something along the lines of that people should make their own choices in life and it doesn’t matter.

As it is you’ve started an incredibly divisive thread which has only served to upset a lot of people and bring out the bitches and the unpleasant.

Why is having siblings better?

And the teachers who say they can spot the nightmare only children, are all the children with siblings angels?

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

Having siblings wouldn't necessarily help. I am one of three. We weren't close and still don't get on over 50 years on. No big rows, just nothing in common and no desire to see each other ever. I am the only one who lives near my parents and am currently bogged down with sorting out care homes, organising POA and sorting out their house full of 40+ years of hobbies and hoarding. For two people who act like spoilt toddlers.

@Alwayswonderedwhy

As an only child I disagree. I was never going to just have one.

I’m with you on this.

I’m not lonely, awful, spoilt or un-recognising of the word no - but I am an only child and I wish I had a/some siblings, in the hope of some of the wonderful sibling relationships I’m familiar with of course.

Do I believe siblings would have altered me as a person - yes.

Do I believe that would be better or worse - I’ll never know.

Settles down for tiresome game of MN Lonely Only bingo

They'll be wandering the earth all alone when you die ... and before that, they'll be your carer with no support from siblings ... yawn

spot on! Don't forget that only children can't share and are selfish horrors.

I am so glad my evil, selfish, lonely only child is grown up and MN wasn't around when she was little. "For parents, by parents" my arse!

My daughter is technically an only child - she's my only child and her siblings are adults - and she isn't a brat or selfish or spoiled 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Comedycook

It stings to hear people write my kind generous, gentle little soul of a boy off, and tell me his future will be hideous

You are being ridiculous. No one, literally no one, thinks that.

I just think that if you had a straight choice between no siblings and siblings, the latter is better. Just as if you had a straight choice between being given a million quid or not being given a million quid, it would be better to have it

That's what is coming across here. Posters have said it. It's not ridiculous to feel sad that he is prejudged for being an only by some arsehole people.

As I said, I'd love him to have a sibling, his brother died in November, and I've had 2 MC since, it's not for the want of trying. Which is probably why it feels personal (or ridiculous)

What prompted this OP? Are you an only child yourself, or do you have an only child? Or both?

I have an only child due to secondary infertility. I struggled a bit but am more or less at peace with it now, and my husband has said that he was actually relieved we did not have a second as he feels our family of three is just the right balance.
What has really surprised me recently is how many people I see around me having three children! When I was growing up in the 80s it was very very unusual for my friends to have more than one sibling. Yet three seems almost the default these days. (Though to be fair I probably mix with more affluent people than my parents did).

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

You could have had a disabled sibling that you’d have had to support along with your parents. Siblings who washed their hands of their parents (like my aunt did. My father was effectively an only child in that regard).

I’m an only and very happy! Got lots of opportunity I wouldn’t have had if another kid sucked up money. My mother had several miscarriages and was sad at first but Not anymore You’ve helped me, thanks OP.

I just think that if you had a straight choice between no siblings and siblings, the latter is better. Just as if you had a straight choice between being given a million quid or not being given a million quid, it would be better to have it

But it's not a straight choice! Even being given a million quid is potentially rife with issues, look at the lottery winners who go off the rails, or family resentment about money and inheritance.

We need to stop stereotyping family life and let people make the decisions that are best for their unit.

@Icecreamsoda99

Honest question, for all those saying how stressful and lonely it is to deal with aging parents do you not have supportive partners? Maybe I just feel that way as my brother is very emotionally distant and my DH treats my parents like they were his own.

My DH and I both have dependent parents. Whilst we support one another emotionally we each tend to crack on and focus individually on our own parent/s. It's an emotional minefield as well as a lot of work and PIL are very different emotionally from parents so I find it's best to keep our relationship and our dealings with our parent/s very separate.

My friends with only children have largely had that forced on them through circumstances rather than choice. They like reading posts like your op and I could have written it too. I loved being an only. I had a vibrant inner life, an ability to meet and get on with anyone and a childhood that gave me lots of time and support.

As for the posters who can spot these spoilt only tyrants I think particular types of parenting can produce these monsters but they are as likely to be part of sibling groups. I can’t spot on a only in a class. Thinking of ones I know a few are well above averagely grown up and empathetic a few still quite immature - what with being children and all.

As an adult I have grown a wonderful network of friends. The tough stuff of life gets shared with these and because we all picked each other I know I can be confident that these people will have my back. I got these skills as an only. My kids better have each other’s backs as they are a bit crap at finding great friends as they enjoy each others company. Even seeing them doesn’t make me wish my childhood had been different though.

@Whinge

My parents died young. Thank god I have a sibling or I'd be so alone.

Im sorry to hear about your loss, and i'm pleased that a sibling provided support for you. However, having siblings doesn't automatically mean you'll never be alone.

That's true but it gives you a better chance

I loved being an only child up until late 30s when parents started having issues - at this point it would be good to have support dealing with them. HOWEVER it would also have been detrimental to my entire childhood to have had a sibling, so on balance I’m still glad I’m an only.

I see you posted from a good place, trying to help, but I just find your OP unsubstantiated and honestly a bit patronising too.

So you - as ONE only child yourself - know what it’s like for mine to be an only child?

Frankly: you don’t.

Nobody died. She’ll be fine.
But Siblings might have been absolutely shit for her, or the most amazing experience. Or somewhere in between. Nobody - including you - knows that.

I’m spared the guilt - she’s IVF and then my husband cheated and left me. So it’s not my “fault” she’s an only.

I don’t feel guilty about it, but I’m well aware that she is sad about it. Some random person blithely saying it’s fine for them won’t really help with that. She’s allowed to be sad, sometimes - whilst knowing that it’s really not the end of the world.

AlternativePerspective I suppose my thread was to say it’s better to be open minded

I wanted 3 and was blessed with 3.
My mum and dad had 3. No Fallings out with my siblings but it's down to me totally to look after my mum in her ailing years. After she goes, I doubt I'll see them again tbh.

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

That is so strange, you must have been very unlucky with the only children you have met.

As an only child myself I would simply not have got away with the behaviour you detail - not that it occurred to me to try.

The down side to being an only child is dealing with aged parents. I will never forget trying to find a care home which would take my Dad with dementia without a sibling to share the decision with. But on the other hand I do know many people whose siblings play no part in the support of their parents, leaving it to the one who 'volunteers'.

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

Mine isn’t anything like that, yet some of his friends with siblings are. It’s all about how you raise them, not how many siblings they have.