To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

Pros and cons to both I’d say! I’m on an only child and I would’ve loved a sibling, Unfortunately it never happened and I wouldn’t say I really noticed as I got older! It was definitely harder at around 7-12, being on holiday with just my parents and everyone else seemed to have siblings to play with. It’s more noticeable now as my parents are getting older and like PP I’m definitely feeling the pressure of all of the help falling to me and I do feel a sense of responsibility to them that is definitely limiting.

But then on the flip side, my husband has two siblings and they don’t speak so I don’t always think siblings are great either! It’s tricky but ultimately I don’t think anyone should feel bad about having an only child

@Fiddliestofsticks wow. What a horrible thing to say. My son will grow up as an only. He had a younger sister who died last year, right at the start of a strict lock down (not UK). I had to deal with my grief, his grief, lock down, everything on my own. But my son will not be a nightmare. Because I am a good parent and I teach him to accept my choices, and his friends' choices too. It is the fault of the parents you know, not the fact that the children are onlys. Please think carefully about how your words affect other people.

@LBirch02 thank you. There is a fuck load of guilt around the fact my son will be an only. But he will have the best life I can give him

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

Sorry your wonderful kids have chosen spoiled children for their friends.

We have a sweet, friendly, kind, considerate only child.

My husband and I have 6 siblings between us, but made the conscious decision to have one child and we have a wonderful life. Especially now she is nearly 13.

We can do what we want, when we want.

Dd can have what hobbies she wants without worrying about the stress of money/giving one child what we couldn't give two.

We love going the theatre - which is an expensive hobby. Again, only usually have to buy 1 adult and child ticket.

Lots of sleepovers, invites to sleepovers with friends.

Lots of one to one time to nurture her so she has grown up kind and confident.

Never once have we regretted it.

@MoonlightMedicine

I am an only. Both my parents have died in the past few years, and I had to go through it all by myself: the grief, the care and the aftermath (clearing house, selling house etc.). Guess what? It was bloody hard, but I am fine and frankly, having seen friends with siblings falling out over possessions, who did the most etc. etc. it was actually good to be in sole control of the situations and decision-making process.

I loved being an only child growing up, too. I made lots of close friends and had a vibrant inner world. I have 2 children now and often feel bad that they don't have the experience I had!

So hear hear OP.

I think this is a great point. It's never great having to deal with end of life care and the decisions that go along with that, but having a sibling can often make the process harder, rather than easier.

I have one kid after three years of trying and 2 early losses. Then my ex had an emotional affair when the baby was small. Nice to know that due to my janky womb and my ex being an asshole some people think my son is destined to be a “nightmare”.

Honestly. Stereotypes are dumb. I know only children who are lovely and I know people with siblings who think the world revolves around them.
I’ve got 5 siblings myself, I don’t think it says anything about me as a person other than I’ve got more birthdays to remember.

Oh, and I have a sister.... We can tolerate each other for a day or two, but it's better when we aren't together! So siblings are not always best

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

And it's a sweeping generalisation that siblings help out with elderly parents. Most don't. My poor cousin has found that out recently- her DM passed away and her sibling has been absent, as they have their family to look after (retired and kids off at uni!) and is far too busy going on holiday to do anything useful.

I'm an only one and my dd is too. I love it.

PotteringAlong

I suppose the key is the word ‘necessarily’. I see what you’re saying there are practical differences/differences in dynamic with only children and sibling families. Then again I think onlies aren’t always lavished with material things and siblings maybe don’t always share due to age gaps/gender differences? So I agree a difference can exist but it doesn’t necessarily affect personalities, if you see what I mean

I was and still am a very happy only. After seeing my mum struggling to make care decisions for my grandad due to uncles who vetoed everything but offered no practical or emotional support, I'm glad I'll be able to make decisions for my parents without input from others.

DD will be an only entirely by choice too. We could afford another, we just don't want one.

There's two groups of people with only children - by choice and because they couldn't conceive another. Whatever you choose if you have a choice (infertile couples do not) is up to you but ive personally had issues with little princess only kids who have been spoilt. Not all are I'm generalising but personal experiences colour our opinion. I have 2 kids, was more expensive of course but we wanted them to have each other

Also research does not support the 'can't share, no social skills' trope or indeed really any of the myths that get trotted out on here. In fact, only children and first-born children are very similar.

Your life is influenced by a countless number of factors. Family make-up is one of them, sure, but again that depends on a million variables, individual personalities, etc.

Children who are loved and have support and security from their parents are doing alright, in my opinion, whether they're an only or not.

I agonised over whether to have a second and am currently pregnant with DC2. I am under no illusions of certainty about how having a sibling will play out in both my children's lives.

I'm an only, my DP has a brother who he is very close to. I think we both have/had advantages and disadvantages. Families work in a million different ways and it's being good to each other that's important.

When I was a kid I really wanted a sibling and was pretty vile to my Mum about how she couldn't have one (now obviously feel terrible as I realise that wasn't a choice). But now I look back and that was a very short time in my life where I felt that way. I love being an only child - I had so much time and attention and love from my parents that made me an incredibly secure person, I've never struggled with knowing my worth or feeling insecure in myself or relationships. I had a lot of very close friends growing up and have maintained those relationships into adulthood. I actually don't think there's anything wrong at all with a child feeling like the centre of their parents world when they're a child - that makes for a very happy and well-adjusted individual in my experience.

I had a fantastic and extremely privileged upbringing because they only had one child to financially plan for - I didn't take out any loans at uni, was able to pursue a secondary qualification with their help and then have been able to buy a house with their financial support, which wouldn;t have happened if I wasn't an only.

I've also been through some of the negative things people often mention and I actually find there's something incredibly clean and simple about dealing with the aftermath of parental death on my own. I made decisions independently without any complex sibling relationships I've seen my peers and my mother (1 of 4) experience. I was able to grieve in a very private, personal way which I don't know would have been the same with siblings. There were times it would have been nice to have someone else who was missing 'our' shared parent too, but generally I really didn't mind being an only child during those difficult times. (I also didn't have to share my inheritance, which was another benefit, if a little crass to say).

I don't recognise at all the descriptions of only children often - if you raise a nasty, selfish child you're a bad parent, it's not an unavoidable side effect of being an only.

My DH is one of three, his brother has MH needs and lives in supported accommodation and his sister emigrated to Australia 20 years ago, therefore DH is the only one who visits/supports his elderly parents. We only have one child by choice, she's never wanted siblings and is in her 20s now and loves being an only one.

Any of my friends who were only children were quite selfish (in mild ways). You could definitely tell that they had never had to consider anyone else. I have two kids and am lucky as they really like each other and consider each other a friend as well as a sibling. I think that’s just good luck though.

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

But you might have three siblings who decided to live 500 miles away. Or live 5 miles away, but have their own families, jobs and commitments.

It's no good telling people to have lots of kids so you have support in old age, or your kids can support each other in your old age. Life doesn't work like that.

Big families are bad for the environment, anyway.

Also given how many posts on here are from mothers who are beaten down by parenting, I think some people would have done well to stop at one. I'd rather parent one child well than struggle with three and be knackered and short-tempered all the time.

@Alwayswonderedwhy

As an only child I disagree. I was never going to just have one.

Yes same. I’m an only child and my first thought when planning my own family was I definitely want more than one child.

@Mistlewoeandwhine

Any of my friends who were only children were quite selfish (in mild ways). You could definitely tell that they had never had to consider anyone else. I have two kids and am lucky as they really like each other and consider each other a friend as well as a sibling. I think that’s just good luck though.

I have one son , nearly two, he will be an only child due to TTC for seven years, PCOS, one fallopian tube, fertility treatment, PTSD from a traumatic birth and mental health crisis. Yes I could go through that again, but I'm doing the best for my son right now. He would suffer if I went through all that again. So who would I be having the baby for? Him...or me deep down? Siblings don't always get on. In fact most grown ups I know often have little to do with their families or moved far away.

My son has nieces and nephews, 9 in fact and already knows to share etc. Such a sweeping statement you and others have made.

@Starjammer

Also given how many posts on here are from mothers who are beaten down by parenting, I think some people would have done well to stop at one. I'd rather parent one child well than struggle with three and be knackered and short-tempered all the time.

This

@Mistlewoeandwhine

Any of my friends who were only children were quite selfish (in mild ways). You could definitely tell that they had never had to consider anyone else. I have two kids and am lucky as they really like each other and consider each other a friend as well as a sibling. I think that’s just good luck though.

You are probably right. But having a healthy dose of selfishness stops martyr syndrome and being put upon.

As you say though, siblings considering each other is also luck. Many siblings don't get on and having a sibling might make them selfish as adults because they are fed up of constantly having to give things up they want to do because of siblings so once they are adults they do what they want to do.

Not sure that only children never have to consider anyone else. They go to school and do hobbies, you have to consider other people all the time.

Thanks OP. Secondary infertility has stopped me having another and it means a lot to get support online. My daughter has loads of friends, has a very happy life and certainly knows the word no and is very well behaved. I don't really think she's missed out on anything.

I'd rather parent one child well than struggle with three and be knackered and short-tempered all the time

Yes I see mums with four kids looking frazzled and think why on earth did you have that many? And they usually have pets too! I think some people just like to be frazzled but that's for another thread!

Well this is one thing I haven’t worried about, until now. Thanks MN