Page 24 | To say this to parents of only children

LBirch02 · 2021-08-25T07:51:14+00:00

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child. Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say: Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters I hope this helps at least one person

RevolvingPivot · 27/08/2021 09:39

@HMBB

My only DD is lovely, shares well, does well at school, does not have tantrums and is really very shocked when she sees how nasty her friends and their siblings are to each other.

That's siblings for you though and she would probably be the same?

My kids argue over everything. It's extremely tiresome and there is no need.

However when we go away or out for the day and they have each other I see how lovely it is that they have someone to go off with.

Much rather then get on at home though obviously.

Bythemillpond · 27/08/2021 09:41

I do think the initial age gap between children goes somewhere to explaining why some siblings get on and some who never speak
Obviously there are other factors but I think a lot of the reasons siblings don’t connect as adults can be predicted through the the initial age gap.

Godwits · 27/08/2021 10:07

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HMBB · 27/08/2021 10:10

@nodogz haha it was indeed a typo but one which I will also use now.

I do like a nice sausage and often refer to DD as various food products.

CounsellorTroi · 27/08/2021 10:14

My DH is an only and he never missed having siblings. He grew up into a good man. I grew up with a brother and never missed having a sister. I think kids just accept their family situation, it’s parents who agonise over it.

2376586357d · 27/08/2021 10:29

I definitely agonize about it. I have an only, had him at 37 and haven't been able to have another. I do feel really sorry for him but what can I do. Really really hope that he doesn't end up hating his childhood. I appreciate that he misses having another child to play with and I do try and get his friends to come over. We've just moved area and dont know anyone here yet. One of the things I stress about the most is him being lonely. But what can I do

Undecided1985 · 27/08/2021 10:32

Oh my i dont think anyone should feel guilty for having one child or obliged to have more than one

Only children are just human beings like everyone else they are most often very well adjusted and happy I have children and I know many only children and can think of only one that i think is spoilt and i can think of many from families of more than one who are spoilt often the youngest

would also say that large families sometimes do not get on and that being born with siblings is no guarantee that you will get on with them or that they will play a meaningful roe in your life as an adult. There is a rosy tinted view of family more so i think with socials and people are generally very embarrassed and ashamed to say "oh well yes i am one of 4 but you know i don't get on with any of them" because there is a kind of stigma attached to not getting along with family. But in reality is fairly commin.

gofg · 27/08/2021 11:27

My ex has one brother, they are two years apart in age. They haven't spoken in over 25 years, and the brother has three sons who my ex has never met (and doesn't want to). They were never close as children. Their mother always had a lovely idea of happy families (even though she wasn't in contact with all of her own siblings), but it didn't work out that way.

Simply having more than one child doesn't mean they are going to get along, let alone be great friends.

spooney21 · 27/08/2021 11:45

@Horst
I've found the opposite. I've only one and my dc friends are always asking to come over. I usually invite multiple kids over because I don't have any other dc to think about. They all love coming to mine.

I asked my dh about how he felt about having a sibling. He hated it. Both very different personalities. Dh became very introverted as his sister shouted louder and got what they wanted. He said he would've been happier as an only. They don't have a relationship now.

Marni83 · 27/08/2021 11:47

* I've found the opposite*

And this phrase - should be the final word on this odd discussion

MimiDaisy11 · 27/08/2021 14:22

There are no guarantees in life. I felt sorry for my mum who is an only child as she had the sole responsibility of dealing with her parents when they were sick and dying. Though if she had a sibling they could have been nice and caring like her, or they could have been dismissive and she'd be left with the same workload plus the stress of having a sibling like that.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 27/08/2021 15:33

It depends on the people involved as family dynamics play a huge role. I know twin girls I was friends with at school who fell out and haven't spoken for over 12 years. Their mum has tried and failed to bring them together. I also have a different friend whose has 4 sisters and they all don't get on, yet they pretend to for the mum's sake. Nothing is certain in life.

DeadButDelicious · 27/08/2021 19:13

My mum is an only child. My dad is one of 3. Both of them ended up dealing with their parents affairs when they passed away. My mum because she was the only child and my dad because out of his 2 older brothers, one had sadly passed away and the other wasn't interested in anything but his inheritance. Siblings aren't a guarantee of anything.

I am lucky with my brother we get on, we're on the same page about the important things when it comes to the future. My DH doesn't have a particularly close relationship with his sister. I foresee trouble there.

We have an only DD. Not entirely through choice. Our first daughter passed away late in pregnancy, it had taken us 11 years to conceive her. I had a very rough time with my subsequent pregnancy with DD. I have ptsd as a result of the traumas I suffered and I don't think I would come out of another pregnancy a well woman. As such we've decided to firmly shut the door on future children and DH has had the snip.

Being well and there for my living child is much more important to me and to her, than a hypothetical sibling that I may not even be able to provide. I see nothing to feel guilty about this is the hand I've been dealt, it's sad, it really is but we're making the best of it. Life doesn't always turn out the way you think it will.

Backwaterjunction · 27/08/2021 20:36

All I can say is I have a bond with my brother that is totally to my parents and is significantly different to my life partner of 20 years. I can depend on any of these people 100% but my brother has been there from the start, I guess it’s just like that extra thing an only child doesn’t have

LashesZ · 27/08/2021 20:38

I'm an only child who has chosen to have an only child. It certainly shaped me to be more independent and learnt to "switch on" being sociable whilst being an introvert. Parents are a worry but then my DP is one of 3, and the other 2 don't get involved in any of the caring of their parents. It's swings and roundabouts, but I had everything emotionally and financially I needed growing up and all the way in to adulthood.

MintyCedric · 27/08/2021 21:15

@LasheZ

Me too...honestly I love it. I thought when I got married that I'd like to have 4 kids.

I fell pregnant with no problems but had a grim pregnancy & labour, DD refused to latch, got colic and I ended up with horrific PND. My thyroid also crashed.

I realised, particularly having witnessed my mum have a nervous breakdown when I was a young child, that I didn't want to go through that with another baby while DD was old enough to witness it.

Luckily neither I nor my now XH ever felt a burning desire to have more...tbh I'm more broody for a third cat !

wingsandstrings · 27/08/2021 21:18

You are speaking to the parents of only children, OP. Fair enough. If I were to speak to people who marry only children I would say: brace yourself, it's a huge effort. Your DH won't have anyone to share the care of elderly parents with. No one except you to stand beside him at his DF's funeral . . . . and you won't fully 'get it' because you didn't love them like a child would. You will quietly resent that his widowed mother demands and gets 3 times the attention of your lovely parents, because she only has your DH whereas your parents have multiple DC. You will feel sad that you always have to have Christmas with DH's DM because she has no one else to go to, sometimes you'd like to be alone with your parents. You (and your DH perhaps) will feel overwhelmed at time by the weight of expectation and scrutiny on you and your DC because DH is an only and they have no other DC and DGC to scrutinise. . . . I realise that this is my experience and others may not share it. Equally OP wrote about her experience and others may not share it.

CarlottaValdez · 27/08/2021 21:39

This has been a tough thread to read as a mother of an only who would have loved a bigger family.

Calling people who have lost children bitter is a new low even for mumsnet. I think time for a break from here for me.

isthisouting · 27/08/2021 21:44

There is no 'right' answer. Everyone's experience is different and you'll never know how things would be if you had or hadn't had siblings.

I wish people would stop implying that only children are disadvantaged by not having siblings. It's cruel and you've no idea why people have chosen (or not chosen, but they haven't been able to have more) to have one child. We aren't saying how shit your life is with siblings!

isthisouting · 27/08/2021 21:45

@wingsandstrings

You are speaking to the parents of only children, OP. Fair enough. If I were to speak to people who marry only children I would say: brace yourself, it's a huge effort. Your DH won't have anyone to share the care of elderly parents with. No one except you to stand beside him at his DF's funeral . . . . and you won't fully 'get it' because you didn't love them like a child would. You will quietly resent that his widowed mother demands and gets 3 times the attention of your lovely parents, because she only has your DH whereas your parents have multiple DC. You will feel sad that you always have to have Christmas with DH's DM because she has no one else to go to, sometimes you'd like to be alone with your parents. You (and your DH perhaps) will feel overwhelmed at time by the weight of expectation and scrutiny on you and your DC because DH is an only and they have no other DC and DGC to scrutinise. . . . I realise that this is my experience and others may not share it. Equally OP wrote about her experience and others may not share it.

You could have this exact scenario if your DH had 8 siblings.

DeadButDelicious · 27/08/2021 23:14

@wingsandstrings

You are speaking to the parents of only children, OP. Fair enough. If I were to speak to people who marry only children I would say: brace yourself, it's a huge effort. Your DH won't have anyone to share the care of elderly parents with. No one except you to stand beside him at his DF's funeral . . . . and you won't fully 'get it' because you didn't love them like a child would. You will quietly resent that his widowed mother demands and gets 3 times the attention of your lovely parents, because she only has your DH whereas your parents have multiple DC. You will feel sad that you always have to have Christmas with DH's DM because she has no one else to go to, sometimes you'd like to be alone with your parents. You (and your DH perhaps) will feel overwhelmed at time by the weight of expectation and scrutiny on you and your DC because DH is an only and they have no other DC and DGC to scrutinise. . . . I realise that this is my experience and others may not share it. Equally OP wrote about her experience and others may not share it.

My dad had almost this exact scenario and he was one of 3. Sadly one brother died and the other just wasn't interested. All the responsibility fell to my dad. His brother was no where to be seen.

There are absolutely no guarantees that your children will get on or even want to support each other after the loss of a parent or in the event that one or both needs care. It isn't just only children that get left bearing the brunt of things. It happens to plenty of people with siblings too. Maybe we should all brace ourselves for the reality of aging family members.

MimiDaisy11 · 27/08/2021 23:37

I’m not an only child but I am the only sibling living in the same country as my parents so I do worry that the full burden of care will lie with me. There are so many scenarios where someone with siblings is left dealing with such issues alone.

Ormally · 27/08/2021 23:39

wingsandstrings, I can really think of a counter post that could be added with both barrels in connection with observing and accepting the behaviours of partner's siblings and parents, whether at funerals, Christmases, periods of care, or whatever. Adding family does not suddenly mean a lifting of "huge effort" in context of a life partner. Despite your provocation I won't though, as I don't intend to hurt people, there are enough posts that have already.

JFM27 · 27/08/2021 23:47

Id say this is rubbish All sibings dont get on,one of my neighbours has a son and daughter who seem to loathe each other.They rarely communicate and have no interest in each othere families or lives.

Im totally fed up with this total nonsense about only children.i was one and very happy i had lovely parents.i had two cousins on my mums side i got on really well,with them when they were kids,they had a difficult dad and loved my parents dearly.Were always at ours.

I was told when my parents needed care i was lucky,noone to argue with about what happens,i made the decisions and as an only i had inherited my mums share of our family home when she died so when my dad needed care,i didnt lose the house which was my home.ive since sold it and bought flat in city i worked in before i retired,No siblings to argue with.Yes im single never married,no kids and live alone but ive still no regrets about being an only. It actually helps me live alone better im a very sociable person with plenty of friends not a loner,

MyPatronusIsACat · 28/08/2021 10:15

@Arsebucket

I am an only child and it’s hell. I’ve had to deal with everything and my life has been consumed by my dad, with the added bonus that he was 46 when I was born, so with my mum dying when I was a kid, I’ve had to deal with everything to do with him as he’s aged. Now that he’s in his late 80s and losing the plot, life is far from fun.

Maybe if I’d had siblings then my life wouldn’t have been so hard.

I’ve had three children. I hope they can always turn to each other. Maybe they will all hate each other as adults, but at least i’ve given them the chance to never feel like I do.

It's unfortunate that this has been your experience, but as many posters have said, you're deluded if you think siblings will automatically get on, and will all help each other in life when they're older, and that they'll all help with the ageing parents.

Also, it's ignorant and presumptuous to assume that everyone can automatically have 2 or 3 children. Many people only end up having one for various reasons. Often not by choice. That comment is actually quite offensive.

I know 4 families right at this moment who have 4 to 6 siblings (all middle aged,) who have elderly and ailing parents. In every single family, it's the eldest female who is dealing with everything and running herself ragged looking after the elderly parents.

Even the younger females aren't doing anything, as they've moved away, or they assume the eldest should do it. And it's expected of the eldest female by the parents too! The eldest daughter in each family is shattered. One of the parents is so infirm that she can't get out of the living room (where she has her bed,) and needs 10 adult nappies a day.

She would be better off in a care home, but the other 4 siblings won't pay towards it, because 2 of them are permanently unemployed and can't pay, and the other 3 refuse to pay because the 2 unemployed ones won't/can't...

I also know a bunch of families where siblings don't get on. In fact a LOT more than ones who do get on. I can count of the fingers of one hand the amount of families I know where all the siblings get on really well.