To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

That’s a horrible generalisation.

My only child constantly gets reports back from school about how kind she is, about how she helps everyone in her class, and is sharing and lovely.

She’s generous with her toys when friends come to play, and she maintains positive friendships. Just because someone is an only child doesn’t mean that they will be like how you describe.

From my experience confident only children don’t seem adversely affected by any negative stereotypes- they tend to be popular and decent people to boot

I am an only child and it’s hell. I’ve had to deal with everything and my life has been consumed by my dad, with the added bonus that he was 46 when I was born, so with my mum dying when I was a kid, I’ve had to deal with everything to do with him as he’s aged. Now that he’s in his late 80s and losing the plot, life is far from fun.

Maybe if I’d had siblings then my life wouldn’t have been so hard.

I’ve had three children. I hope they can always turn to each other. Maybe they will all hate each other as adults, but at least i’ve given them the chance to never feel like I do.

This is very similar to the endless and pointless debate on Mumsnet as the ehether it’s fair to be an older parent. It is a perfectly normal and often unavoidable variation on family structure that can have advantages and some disadvantages- this will depend on both the specific situation and the child. Generalisations are really unhelpful and mean very little.

My step father has been brilliant but it would have been so much easier to share the emotional and practical burden with a sibling or 2.

And how much resentment would you feel if they had buggered off and left all the care to you? Once again having siblings in no guarentee that they would help emotionally or practically in these situations, and rather than reduce the burden they could actually increase it.

On the other end of the scale sometimes people from very large families get snide and ‘untrue’ remarks about their family situation and this needs to stop also!!!

I also know that I am very lucky to have had 3. It’s been over 19 years to give an insight into my struggles to have them.

Nobody should have to feel the need to explain that their only child is caring and well behaved etc.

If arseholes on the internet or elsewhere want to project their own smug judgements on to only children just because they were able to have more than one that is on them, not the parent of the only child or the child.

You can interpret any way you like. My mum was a middle child and hated it. Eldest was the first born and youngest was the baby, and she felt eternally left out. Yet she was the one who dealt with her parents as they aged and ultimately died.

Other people are part of bigger families and hate it because they never have enough attention and the parents are all about having the babies rather than bringing up the family. In many instances the older children bring up the younger ones while the parents continue to reproduce. Most people I know who were part of a larger family choose to only have one or two children at most.

And then some children who are just one of two resent the fact that a sibling came along.

And let’s be honest, there are the unspoken parents who actually regret not stopping at one because now they have two children who bicker, fight, and hate each other, and who are a greater financial burden in terms of childcare etc, and often they may have gone from their first baby who was placid to a colicky baby who didn’t sleep for the first 5 years.

How about people stop bitching about what other people do and don’t have and concentrate on what you have.

My friend's daughter is an only child and she's a lovely, intelligent little girl who gets the best of everything and is like a little best friend to her mother! I have more than one for my own wants and desires and I love it, it's like a constant rave but sometimes I get wistful about how nice it would be to just have one and focus on that child and give them your all and not have the guilt of splitting their time with you with their siblings. But that's not what I signed up for so I'll give maaa kids my awwwlll.

People have had children up to their 50s since since time immemorial. This prejudice needs to stop also. Ugh.

Only child here and also a parent of only child by choice. It was bloody amazing to grow up with enough attention from both parents. There is no guarantee whatsoever the siblings will even like each other.

@audweb

I was specially talking about the kids we've had here. Not your kid. Or do my experiences not count?

I've taught, I've been a leader with the brownies and I teach surfing. You can, very often, spot the only children. You can also fairly often spot if someone is a younger sibling/older sibling, because there are characteristics that these kids develop. And if only children have... not great parents... then learning to share, compromise and not have all the attention doesn't always happen because there is no natural buffer (a sibling) between that child and the thing they want.

@bookworm14

"It’s really upsetting to know that there are so many nasty bitches out there who will prejudge my lovely, polite, kind hearted DD simply because she doesn’t have a sibling."

If you look closely there are few people that have that opinion.

One just stands out more than the others and I'm choosing to ignore

Came on to this thread smiling thinking it would be about the positives of having an only, now feeling like shit. Baby DS2 (hard won) died in November last year

💐

Positive threads are always hijacked by insensitive posters.

Here's my positive story about having an only. DD is 16 and an absolute dream. Happy in her own company (she was mostly fine during lockdown and knuckled down to home learning) and happy with friends as she is loyal, caring and fun and doesn't take them for granted.

She's got a nice group of friends, none of whom are going to her Sixth Firm college but she's fine about starting alone because she is self sufficient and believes in herself in a not obnoxious way.

I was one of four and that was fine too. Most of it is down to parenting and DD and I both have/had fab parents

Just to clarify- prejudice against ‘older’ parents needs to stop. It’s not even an issue imo.

It's not often a thread on MN makes my blood boil but this one does. I'm another adult only child who hated it as a child and still hates it as an adult.

Who's going to win by being the first to tell me there's no guarantee things would have been better if I'd had siblings? FFS. Yes there are no guarantees but there is 100% certainty that so many things were as hard as they were purely because I am an only.

Or are only children allowed to post on this thread if they're happy? Seeing that all the non-positive posts so far have been dismissed with patronising comments...

DS is an only child. I don’t think the ‘all only children are selfish/ used to getting their own way’ thing works any more. He’s been at nursery since he was 10 months old, we meet up with friends all the time, he’s more than used to sharing. He’s very kind to younger children especially.

The ‘lonely only’ thing… I remember feeling bored/ lonely even with my brother about. We’re very different people, don’t get on now, and he will be zero use with supporting my parents in old age.

Advantages for us are that he does get a lot of attention, we can afford to do extracurricular activities and don’t have to juggle the needs of siblings around this. I do think he’d like a sibling but I’m not sure he’d enjoy the reality!

I also think that a lot of us make decisions about numbers of children based on our own experiences. DH and I both don’t get on with our siblings, so don’t see being an only child as a big deal. If we were close to our siblings we might feel differently. My cousin was an only child and hated it, and now has 3 of our own so that they’re not ‘alone’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote Fiddliestofsticks]@Imnewhere1991

Well obviously I do invite them, seeing as they're in my house all the time. Doesn't stop it being a lot more work and I dont blame parent's who dont want to deal with someone else's kid having a tantrum.[/quote]
I'm sure your children have tantrums, no?

As so many others have said, having siblings is something that it is very easy to idealise if you don’t have any. If you don’t have siblings then it’s easy to imagine that if you did then you’d share the load of caring for parents etc. My mum is in her 50s and was one of 5 children. My gran doesn’t need care yet, but if she does then it will all fall on my mum. One sibling died in their 30s, one died in their 40s and the other two have moved hours away. One of the remaining siblings is an utter nightmare too and we fully expect them to be a massive pain in the arse when she dies.

I have two sisters and we all get on well, but that’s just good luck. My dad has always got on well with his siblings but the siblings don’t speak to one another and it made my Nan’s funeral a tense, not especially pleasant event. Thankfully, that side of the family didn’t get unpleasant about money in the way I expect my mum’s sibling will when my maternal grandmother dies.

Having siblings is never a guarantee of help. Within my own extended family, one person was left to deal with their elderly parents despite having siblings, two siblings detest each other and haven't spoken in years and my only other sibling has SEN, so I'll be taking on more care there once my parents aren't able to cope. It's a weak and flawed reason to have another child.

If you have an only, I think you need to be prepared to do things slightly differently, you might need to get involved and play more with them, understand that their friends will be more central to their life and include them in things too - but all children are different anyway and require different things.

This isn't true. Children will be affected by a number of factors and of course whether or not they grow up with siblings will be one of them.

Thank you, this made me cry

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

But your children aren't you and the fact is that some children benefit from having a sibling while others benefit from being an only child.

OP is simply saying that the common belief that all children need siblings is wrong.

chaosrabbitland Absolutely, you're right. And my DS is an absolute joy, we are so fortunate to have him.

It stings to hear people write my kind generous, gentle little soul of a boy off, and tell me his future will be hideous because of my inability to provide him with brothers and sisters. It compounds my feeling of failure about it, which is mixed in with the grief of loss I suppose.

The irony of it is we'd have loved a few children, he'd be an excellent big brother, but other than in name, he's never had the chance.

Honest question, for all those saying how stressful and lonely it is to deal with aging parents do you not have supportive partners? Maybe I just feel that way as my brother is very emotionally distant and my DH treats my parents like they were his own.