To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

In addition. I have a brother who is 10 years younger than me. I am mid 50s and he is mid 40s. It was fab having a little brother to start with as I had been an only child til I was 10. Although I liked being an only child, and was never short of company as I had lots of friends, and also 7 cousins, I was excited to have a little brother. I used to babysit him and play with him, and I taught him to swim and ride a bike, and we had a good time til he was about 8.

Then he (understandably) started playing with children of his own age and made lots of friends, and I was 19-20 by then, and moved out, and away from home (some 15 miles that's all.) And we didn't see each other much, but still remained fairly close.

When I was 35 and he was 25, he met a girl, and moved in with her family, and a year later, he moved to Canada with her and her parents and married her over there. 15-16 years ago now. I was pretty sad, and my parents were devastated. It's his life of course, but their son was just gone, just like that.

He visited once, 2 years later, and we visited him 2 years after. That's it. I haven't seen him for 11-12 years. We keep in touch via facebook, but for various reasons I won't go into, I am not able to travel abroad, so I don't know if I will ever see him again, and I haven't got to see my 3 nephews grow up. He says he can't come here as they can't afford it.

My parents died close together 8-9 years ago, and it was me who had to do everything. He didn't even come to their funerals as he was had work commitments at the time. (BOTH times.) I think he just couldn't be bothered, but he insists he couldn't get away.

So even though I had a brother, I was completely alone in caring for both my parents when they were elderly, (they were sick, and ailing for 3-4 years before they died, and I was run ragged looking after them, as well as working, and looking after my OWN kids.) And I had to deal with the funerals and everything.

So the comments from people on here assuming having a sibling will give your child a lifelong friend, companion, and comrade are laughable.

And don't even get me STARTED on the vile insults aimed at only children. Some people sound so bitter and nasty, that I think they are a person with a sibling (or more than one,) and their sibling(s) have been favoured massively over them.

So it has made them jealous of only children, because of the massive amount of attention and love they have received from their parents. The attention and love they didn't get!

@Backwaterjunction

All I can say is I have a bond with my brother that is totally to my parents and is significantly different to my life partner of 20 years. I can depend on any of these people 100% but my brother has been there from the start, I guess it’s just like that extra thing an only child doesn’t have

Okayyy ...

Only children don't necessarily need siblings, I agree. However, saying they're the same as children with siblings is literally not true. How could it be?

Thanks MyPatronustsAcat for your comments very true,

As a only child who was very happy im shocked by the comments iof some people on here making only children out to be unpleasant people and saying they are selfish etc,Most only children i know are often nicer than those with siblings.A friehd of mine had a son late in life so hsd no more and hes a delightful little lad.

Only children are used to being alone they know no different what you dont have you dont miss and i can honestly say i never missed siblings.I had wonderful parents way ahead of their time and ive lovely memories of them. I know many from large families who seem to hate their parents whereas most onlies adore theirs,That says a lot.

DH has three siblings. Two live abroad, the other one wants nothing to do with his elderly parents. There have been tedious, complicated debates over inheritance.

I have one sibling who was zero use when my dad got ill and died. I took him to all hospital appointments, organised hospice care and all the funeral details.

I have one child. I suffered severe PND requiring hospitalisation and wanted to die.
I could not risk that happening again with a second child.

We’re a very happy family of three. My child is a bright, happy, kind person with lots of friends.

@JFM27 the problem for me at least was that I did know what I was missing.
My best friend at the time was one of three and I used to love being at her house. I used to pretend in my head that I was one of them. I was jealous at Christmas of their big celebrations and also of their birthdays etc.
I missed being part of a tribe I suppose.
Everyone's experience is different.

I grew up an only child and it was very lonely. Always knew if possible I wanted more than one.

We should remember that some people are an only child, not out of any parental choice.

Only children are used to being alone they know no different what you dont have you dont miss
I never got used to being alone and I definitely missed having a sibling.

Most people are well aware of things they don’t have and do miss not having them.

My mother used to describe me as being happy as an only child.

Nothing could have been further from the truth.

I think if you have only one child you need to make an effort to find companionship for them. I tend to invite my daughter's friends around here often. This gives their parents a bit of a break and company for my daughter.

I run a blog for families with only one child. I have checked the Talk Guidelines, and I think on this occasion it would be good to share a link to the blog in this post.

I hope you find it helpful.

theonlychildclub.net/about-us/

I think if you have only one child you need to make an effort to find companionship for them. I tend to invite my daughter's friends around here often. This gives their parents a bit of a break and company for my daughter

Yes, I'm sure only children can be happy and sociable but the parents obviously need to make an effort to facilitate this.

I think lockdown must have been very tough for only children...not that anyone can predict a global pandemic when planning their family!

I think lockdown must have been very tough for only children...not that anyone can predict a global pandemic when planning their family!

It was and it wasn’t-same for families with multiple children who also found some of it tough. I did find, when other family members and friends were complaining about bickering and fighting siblings, that we had a much calmer set of lockdowns and self isolations but of course, this did mean we had to play with our child more than they did, which was their advantage to not have to. I don’t begrudge doing that though.

Our child was also able at least, to chat on our balconies with our neighbour’s also only child in the first lockdown, so didn’t miss out too much on physical communication.

@Bythemillpond

My mother used to describe me as being happy as an only child.

Nothing could have been further from the truth.

That’s interesting

Personally i think this isnt good to be alone is nonsense,That idea is why many would rather have a crap relatiinship than be alone.i know quite a few like that whereas i as an only am fine with it,And i know many with siblings who care little for them.They might as well be onlies.

The world is over populated now we need far more onlies,And tbe ridiculous nonsense im reading on here about the misery of being an only how it affects peiple and how people hated it and longed for siblings is making being one seem a terrible fate.when actially it isnt.If more were onlies this mythical nonsense about families and how great they are,which is often untrue,often friends are better,you chose them,you cant your family..Many onlies are hapoy im sorry many of you hated it but i didnt.it felt normal to me still does,If i had ever had kids i woukd have had just one..Never saw the need for more.

Marni83

I used to ask my parents for a sibling when I was very young. I soon realised that me asking meant it was something that I would never get and my mother particularly more than likely did not have another child because I asked. In fact anything I asked for I didn’t get because that would have been spoiling me.

When I stopped asking because I knew having a sibling that was so much younger than me because it would have ended up more like a parent child relationship than a sibling. My mother had my sister.

No idea who my sisters father is as I hadn’t seen my dad for years.

All I knew was if I ever had a child I would have another very quickly after even if it meant going down the adoption or fostering route. I would never put my child through the loneliness I grew up with.

Of course being an only child you don’t get bickering. There is no one to bicker with

This has been a very interesting thread for me. My DH and I adopted both our DDs (now 12 and 9), who are also birth siblings. We adopted DD2 for precisely that reason, so they could grow up together. We were probably influenced by my own positive relationship with my DSis and my DH’s with his DB.

It’s been tough, however, as DD1 is full of jealousy towards DD2, who is NT and not behind academically at school and also has never had difficulty making friends. (DD1 has always struggled in these areas.)

At times we do wonder whether we did the right thing for DD1. Ultimately, she and her sister do love each other and have always looked out for each other. And obviously, because of their background, the blood relationship between them is important to both of them (though at this point in time, DD2 refuses to discuss anything to do with their adoption).

Also, I believe that all siblings argue when growing up, my DSis and I did a lot, and we’re nevertheless very close as adults.

It’s impossible to know whether it would have been better for DD1 to be an only child. It would just have been different.

@LBirch02

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

This has helped me to hear. I'm a single parent of one. I wish every day that she had a sibling to play with

Lockdown was good and bad for DS. He got a lot more attention from DH and I and its much easier to home school one rather than more than one. It was hard from the point of view of not being able to play with friends in the 1st lockdown. We socialise by zoom as a family. 2nd lockdown was easy as he was at school. By third lockdown we'd settled into a routine and it wasn't as long either.

He had definitely had enough of it by end of 3rd lockdown and hes a very self sufficient easy going child (which is part of the reason generally why i think we had to reopen and we cant do much more in the way of restrictions because the point even he even struggles is a marker for it being utterly horrendous for other kids).

As a rule we do things as a family more and make a point of socialising more. Since there is only 6 of us it does make it easier to socialise rather than be more self contained too. I think families with 2 or more kids tend to stay more within their family bubbles because of cost and practicalities as its much more stressful to go out.

I do think there is a marked difference between single child families and families with more kids in this sense. We definitely see more of families with less kids rather than those with 3 or 4 kids.

I think it becomes swings and roundabouts.

Theres pros and cons to however many kids you have.

Ultimately we had one because we felt it was best for us as a family. I occasionally have a wobble about it and think maybe another would be nice. And then i think about it and think how it would impact us all and the benefits of another have never made me feel like its enough for any of us to go through it all again.

I'm at peace with it. I think DS likes the idea of a sibling but the reality is he would be 7 by the time that happened now, so much of his dream of a sibling would remain that anyway as weve missed the boat for a little buddy. I only just feel like id be ready to attempt it all again. I certainly couldn't have coped with it sooner. And at 43 I'm not willing to make a big gamble with everyone's lives.

As a child growing up with two older brothers, I envied my friends who didn’t have siblings. I loved going to their non chaotic houses, they seemed to have the best of both worlds, friends over when needed, peace and quiet whenever they wanted!

DS (almost 15) never mentions his lack of siblings, he absolutely seems happy but we do lots with him, far more than we’d be able to if we’d had more dc and even at the age he is now, he loves spending time with us, he’s had to yes, with lockdown etc but he’s also had amazing opportunities that we wouldn’t have been able to afford if we’d had a bigger family.

He’s certainly not spoilt and knows how lucky he is. Of course there are times when i wonder how his relationship would have been with either a brother or a sister, it’s only natural, but they’re only fleeting thoughts. Probably much the same as those with larger families, wondering how life would have been with less.

I was cross and concerned mes my children weren’t able to attend school during lockdown

If I’d only had one… I would have been furious and so worried.

I just want to say thank you.