To say this to parents of only children

[LBirch02]

There are loads of only child threads here and especially parents feeling guilty about having and only child.

Well if anyone’s in this position I just wanted to say:

Children don’t need siblings and only children aren’t necessarily any different from children with brothers and sisters

I hope this helps at least one person

PinkSkiesAtNight I am so sorry for your loss, losing a child is horrendous and the worst kind of agony.

Came on to this thread smiling thinking it would be about the positives of having an only, now feeling like shit. Baby DS2 (hard won) died in November last year, I've had 2 MC since. I'd love another child. DS would love a sibling (in theory) but sadly all we have is a little box of ashes. He does talk to that but obviously doesn't have to share or argue about which programme to watch with it.

Some of the posters on this thread would do well to remember that it is by pure luck that they have more than one child and that being smug in that ability is folly. Anything can happen and you could end up with one. I had 2 living children, albeit briefly, now I have an only.

I don't think it's the end of the world and it's not always practical to have more than one child or even possible for some. However, in an ideal world I think it's better to have a sibling. However, in an ideal world, it's also better to live in mansion than a flat, but living in a flat isn't the end of the world.

My parents died young. Thank god I have a sibling or I'd be so alone.

Just realized how many times I said the word world

@Imnewhere1991

Well obviously I do invite them, seeing as they're in my house all the time. Doesn't stop it being a lot more work and I dont blame parent's who dont want to deal with someone else's kid having a tantrum.

I agree with your point @Whinge. I'm 1 of 4 and we have always got on brilliantly - the only time we've fallen out was organising our parents' wills, funerals, belongings. We were all overwhelmed with grief of course, but yes, definitely 4 heads were not better than 1.
Also the fact that I get on with my siblings never influenced my decision. I think I must have been selfish (?), because after having my ds, I was never doing it again. I actually only thought of me. A happy mummy and all that. I concentrated on my career to give him ( and our family) all I could. I don't even remember my dh having a say.
Anyway, my ds has turned out just fine!

@Starjammer

Also given how many posts on here are from mothers who are beaten down by parenting, I think some people would have done well to stop at one. I'd rather parent one child well than struggle with three and be knackered and short-tempered all the time.

Exactly.

So many parents worn down and run ragged because they've chosen to have 3/4/5 kids.

Just to offer a word about selfish stereotypes. My partner is an only and he is honestly the most selfless and empathetic person. He will share anything. His Mum was so worried about him being an only and spoilt she went too far in my opinion 😅. I’ve had to teach him it’s ok to say no sometimes!
I had the most wonderful childhood with my sister we were best friends growing up. She lives abroad now and we don’t get on. So I will be the one looking after my parents. And honestly it upsets me we don’t get on, I often wish I didn’t have to grieve that relationship in the first place.
So there you go!

My parents died young. Thank god I have a sibling or I'd be so alone.

Im sorry to hear about your loss, and i'm pleased that a sibling provided support for you. However, having siblings doesn't automatically mean you'll never be alone.

@Starjammer

Also given how many posts on here are from mothers who are beaten down by parenting, I think some people would have done well to stop at one. I'd rather parent one child well than struggle with three and be knackered and short-tempered all the time.

exactly , iv seen so many mums with 3 or 4 kids , shouting away at them when they are running riot or whinging and i just think why . they normally look stressed and done in ,unable to cope .and i dont know why someone would put load on themselves

DD is an only and will almost certainly stay that way as DH died when she was two and a half. Thank you for the positive posts on this thread.

@Liverbird77

That's a bit of a sweeping generalisation. If it works for you then great. I am an only child and I fucking hate it. I am consumed with stress and worry about having to deal with my parents' chaotic house and being the only support to them in the very near future. I made sure I had a second as soon as possible after my first. What works for one may not work for all.

My dad has been dealing with his very elderly (now nearly 99) mother on his own for years, because his brother moved to Australia. A sibling is absolutely no guarantee of support.

I'm an only child and am fine with it. My son will be too.

My brother was nowhere to be seen when DF was dying from cancer and I had to look after my elderly DM. The resentment that causes can add to the stress.

My DD is an only because I had her aged 40 and felt it was too chancy to have another one. (Risks of abnormalities and disabilities). If I had had her at 38 I would have tried for another baby immediately after as I think a sibling would have been good for her.

All I can do is ensure she sees friends regularly and that she is sociable - which she is.

DD is very much like me as a child as although I was the youngest of 6 there was a 10 year gap between me and my next sibling so I was brought up surrounded by adults.

I do know of some only children who are very spoilt and perpetuate the stereotype but I know of more who are like DD and are well-balanced, can socialise well with other children and are just regular kids. Equally, I do see some children with siblings who are spoilt because they are the only girl or boy, or they are the oldest/youngest. 2

I just think it is very disingenuous to pretend that circumstances of your upbringing make you no different to anyone else.

When kids are younger, the oldest siblings often want to be in charge, younger siblings get a bit more freedom, the do things at a younger age that their older siblings weren't allowed to do at that age, only children have less need to share or compromise. Depending on how people parent their kids, these things can become big problems, or be no issue at all. But we are all shaped by the circumstances we grow up in and pretending otherwise is silly.

I agree you are making a bit if a sweeping generalisation @LBirch02

But in my case being an only child would have made such a positive difference to my life so yanbu

@Fiddliestofsticks, sorry to see you are so bitter towards the 'onlies'

What a sad little troll you are.

@Frederica852

I'm an only child. Hated it growing up, hate it as an adult. Wish there was someone else with a shared experience, wish there was someone to share the load, wish I wasn't all alone and had the chance to be an aunt

But having a sibling is no guarantee that any of that would change.

I've read a few threads on here where people have horrific relationships with their siblings but they're forced to tolerate them so they don't upset their parents.

I've also read threads from people who are left doing all the grunt work because their siblings have moved to Australia etc.

Having a sibling isn't always this rosy ideal that some people (mainly on MN) like to make it out to be.

@peachgreen

DD is an only and will almost certainly stay that way as DH died when she was two and a half. Thank you for the positive posts on this thread.

I'm pleased the positive posts are helping, but i'm sorry that in order to read the supportive comments you also have to read shitty comments from other posters.

Think the point is surely that there are pros and cons to either?!

But also - no, they are not the same. The environment you grow up in does impact your personality, and there will of course be a difference between a child who has parents undivided attention and never has to share their toys with a sibling, and a child with one or more siblings. It's not better or worse but it's different.

my DD is an only child and is generous, kind, caring and is not spoiled. I think the sibling rivalry thing can cause issues in some kids. When kids are not exposed to that I think some of them thrive. DD is more emotionally mature than others her age and I think it's because of the more adult company that she keeps (me and her dad). she is a happy child. I think there are a lot of myths about only children, some of which are unhelpful.

Here here OP. I have an only child, he is well rounded, happy and has plenty of friends. I always thought I'd have more, but my body thought differently and my circumstances turned out to not be conducive to having a larger family anyway. He sometimes asks why he doesn't have a brother or sister like many of his friends, but he's happy and that's all that matters.

I'm not sure how anyone can know being an only child or having siblings is better or worse, everyone's experiences are different. You may hate, or love not having, or having siblings, but that doesn't mean the alternative would be better.

Fiddliestofsticks sounds a bit bitter and defensive.

I'm an only and I have always hated it. I really envy those with sibs. I am now in my 50's and have an unwell mum who is 81 and currently in hospital having had an emergency hip op last week. She has cancer and is really down.
My step father has been brilliant but it would have been so much easier to share the emotional and practical burden with a sibling or 2.

Teach and I can tell the onlys in my class. They find the rough and tumble of social negotiations much harder in general.
Onlys are different.
No you might not get on with your sibs, but having them makes you are different person to not having them.

@SemiFeralDalek

PinkSkiesAtNight I am so sorry for your loss, losing a child is horrendous and the worst kind of agony.

Came on to this thread smiling thinking it would be about the positives of having an only, now feeling like shit. Baby DS2 (hard won) died in November last year, I've had 2 MC since. I'd love another child. DS would love a sibling (in theory) but sadly all we have is a little box of ashes. He does talk to that but obviously doesn't have to share or argue about which programme to watch with it.

Some of the posters on this thread would do well to remember that it is by pure luck that they have more than one child and that being smug in that ability is folly. Anything can happen and you could end up with one. I had 2 living children, albeit briefly, now I have an only.

bless you , you still have your lovely one , theres no reason to feel bad about that , many of us commenting on this thead have only one so just because theres a few negative comments you must not let it get to you . having an only child is ok , theres no shame in it at all and there are loads of positves as well , just as many as if our onlies had a sibling one of the commenters is a troll i think anyway ,so its best to just ignore that one

@Fiddliestofsticks

I have 2 kids. All their friends with siblings understand the word no, and they dont storm off in a huff when they're here in a group and someone says no to their movie suggestion or game idea. All the only children are a nightmare. Never heard the word, never had to share attention, and cannot stand it when their friends say no to their movie choice.

Only children do, quite often, have different traits.

This is not representative of only children. Or children with siblings. It’s actually nonsense.