When my MIL says I should be no more than a bystander?

[QueenofLindean]

My intervention, on behalf of my husband, (triggered after our kids had also been on the receiving end of a disproportionate admonishment this morning by MIL) got roundly rebuffed in this way. Making the point that I should be no more than a 'bystander' in a discussion - which had centred on trying to help restore a happy state of mind in my husband - really cut me to the quick - and probably not least as this was the only time in 17 years I have expressed a difference of opinion to my MIL. I was essentially told to butt out when trying to resolve everyone's equanimity. To get perspective, keen to get a sense of the general standing of the role /resps of a daughter in law in other family dynamics? Are you given equal pegging? Feel so churned up that my voice was dismissed by a woman who purports to be all for the sisterhood...

I am not sure what you mean.

What actually happened? Lots of words and not much content there

I don’t really understand either, where was your husband? Was he there? Is he not ok and can’t speak up?

What?

Huh?

Equal pegging? In what? In our household and marriage, no, certainly not, my opinion far outweighs my MiL's!

I don’t think YABU, but your post makes very little sense.

Why are you telling mil off on behalf of your DH? She’s right. He’s a big boy. He can do it himself

YANBU, he is your husband, you are his next of kin, don’t let MIL elbow you out. Tell her that he is your husband, not hers.

sounds like you interfered in an argument between your partner and his mother?

It depends too much on the details which you've missed out!

Your post makes absolutely no sense.

What actually happened?

In some circumstances, you absolutely should have has much say as any blood relative, especially if it impacts your husband and family.

In other circumstances, you really do need to stay out of it.

It completely depends on what happened, who it involved, who started things etc.

She told you to keep out of an argument between herself and your DH?

Eh

Are you writing a book?

You were trying to be the peace maker in a discussion between mil and your dh? Mil was criticising dh who was getting annoyed? Mil told you to wind your neck in? Have I understood? Mil sounds a control freak and I would have words with dh about being an adult not a child in her presence.

I'm sorry but your OP is a bit like a word buffet.

@BeaBeaBuzz

What actually happened? Lots of words and not much content there

This ^

If you want people's opinions, you'll need to tell us what happened.

@Ozanj

Why are you telling mil off on behalf of your DH? She’s right. He’s a big boy. He can do it himself

I read the op as kids were overly harshly told off, husband talked to mil about it, op backed her DH up and got.told.to butt out.

Tbh, if I thought my kids were being unfairly treated I would also back my DH up in that situation, as they're my kids too.

But my mil would take my view on board as much as my husband's, I would never feel the need to get my dh to talk to her because I would just do it myself to start with.

Blimey can you rewrite that in standard English please! Reminds me of that episode of Friends when Joey writes a adoption reference and uses the thesaurus to change every word to sound smarter 🤣

Assume English not posters first language. Think she means MIL had told off teen grandchild (unfairly in her son’s eyes) and he’s said so to MIL. Op has got involved in conversation and been told to stay out of it by MIL. No I wouldn’t expect to stand by if I saw MIL having a go unreasonably at DC or DH.

Eh?

They’re your children too and you’re their equal parent so you get as much of a say about their wellbeing if she’s overstepping.

I’m not sure what people are confused about.

MIL upset your kids, DH was angry, you told MIL she’d fucked up and she told you you don’t count/don’t get a say?

If she can’t be trusted around your kids she shouldn’t have them on her own. If she can’t be polite to you don’t see her. DH should be fighting his own battles with his mother but when it’s about the kids you have as much right to raise issues as he does.

Who is in the what now?