When my MIL says I should be no more than a bystander?

[QueenofLindean]

My intervention, on behalf of my husband, (triggered after our kids had also been on the receiving end of a disproportionate admonishment this morning by MIL) got roundly rebuffed in this way. Making the point that I should be no more than a 'bystander' in a discussion - which had centred on trying to help restore a happy state of mind in my husband - really cut me to the quick - and probably not least as this was the only time in 17 years I have expressed a difference of opinion to my MIL. I was essentially told to butt out when trying to resolve everyone's equanimity. To get perspective, keen to get a sense of the general standing of the role /resps of a daughter in law in other family dynamics? Are you given equal pegging? Feel so churned up that my voice was dismissed by a woman who purports to be all for the sisterhood...

I understand you want to protect your son. I’d have sharp words with your mil away from ds1. If she can’t cope with him being a typical untidy teenager, I’d leave rather than have him harassed given his mh issues.

Oh my Lord

or have I been naive these last 17 years and drawn the short straw w the MIL, though thankfully not with my DH?

No. I think she drew the short straw here, not you. Complete lack of perspective or empathy & respect for someone who's house you are staying in. Who you then tried to patronise.

Her home, you were trashing

Lots of teenagers have suffered Mh problems During lockdown including many that I'm close to. It has been rough. And parents snd older people too.

But as parents we go round clearing up after our DC if that is what is needed to support them or at least making sure they don't hurt others by their actions or inaction

You don't let a teenage boy leave a hazard of slippery snd sopping wet bathroom floor after he uses it. Have some respect and show care for other people OP. We have enough older people admitted for fractured hips from slips

I go mad if my own DC create hazards in my home, I'm disabled so that'd be serious injury if I slipped. And a possibility with far reaching consequences for your MiL too.

Your MiL was right to feel cross and taken to her own son about it. It is lax parenting

Understand you wanting to be sensitive to your DS. And being glad he at least took a shower. But you are fully aware of where he is at, MIL wasnt. You owed her an apology first before all the waffle. And you feel the aggrieved one?

You're only there for 3 nights, she hasn't seen you for 18 months - I really can't understand why your MIL is being so touchy and difficult. Why is everyone on such a short fuse? I simply wouldn't bother in future, is there any pleasure in it? Stick to Facetime.

"I’d leave rather than have him harassed given his mh issues."

Tbf, lockdown may have been very hard on mil too.

wow, you're wordy!

In my very to the point opinion, your MIL is a dick, let her go, don't bother again. Your kids are more important than her, any fallout let DH deal with it if he wants to. You owe her nothing from what I can vaguely decipher from your posts.

Sounds awful op, and odd...

Like you said maybe she's just got so used to being on her own it's a shame she can see past the mess and enjoy the humans but many people have this barrier.

Also I thought you were staying in a rented house because you say MIL decided to leave, other posters seem to think you're in her house so she has right to be so pissed off.....

So many words, yet so little info, OP..... I'm baffled now

Blimey can you rewrite that in standard English please! Reminds me of that episode of Friends when Joey writes a adoption reference and uses the thesaurus to change every word to sound smarter 🤣

Yeah I came here just to say
Baby kangaroo Tribiani.

Hopefully it's all blown over now and your MIL can give DH/DS copious amounts of love with her full sized aortic pump.

Certainly not like a daughter to my mil, she has a few of her own so doesn't need me to be but I have found that she started to treat me more like a closer member of the family once her second son married.
She often tries to criticize her second Dil Infront of me and although we (sil and I) are not close, in age or relationship wise, she knows I have her back and vice versa.

I loathed my MIL but i wouldn't have left a hazard like this for her to potentially injure herself on.

The rest is fluff. I think you all need to have a think about what it is you wanted from this visit.

On another tack, OP, your DS sounds as though he needs professional help, have you started the wheels rolling on that?

Yabu because it sounds like you want to control everyone's relationships. You can't tiptoe round people with MY issues forever he could be reminded that he needs to wipe spills up after himself without it turning into a WW