When my MIL says I should be no more than a bystander?

[QueenofLindean]

My intervention, on behalf of my husband, (triggered after our kids had also been on the receiving end of a disproportionate admonishment this morning by MIL) got roundly rebuffed in this way. Making the point that I should be no more than a 'bystander' in a discussion - which had centred on trying to help restore a happy state of mind in my husband - really cut me to the quick - and probably not least as this was the only time in 17 years I have expressed a difference of opinion to my MIL. I was essentially told to butt out when trying to resolve everyone's equanimity. To get perspective, keen to get a sense of the general standing of the role /resps of a daughter in law in other family dynamics? Are you given equal pegging? Feel so churned up that my voice was dismissed by a woman who purports to be all for the sisterhood...

I could perhaps understand why a DM might not welcome her DIL intervening in a discussion with her DS who she has raised for his whole life. I can see most DIL would think this was rude. Very foolish too as I imagine the 'bystander' observation would easily come back and haunt her when she wants something to happen when you now are unwilling. I'd be tempted to be a bystander every time it would annoy her, just to remind her how rude she has been and how much she has chosen to change the nature of the MIL DIL relationship. If you have DC, OP, then she might be a bystander in anything contentious to do with the DC too.

Is this a wind up?

So many big words to say fuck all....

Just like, tell your bitch ov a MIL to fukkin do one yeah?

Honestly though, I got the OP (despite the big words) and if my MIL spoke to me like that she'd be receiving a few choice words from me. So what did you say to her in response OP?

I think this really depends on what you were intervening in. Generally speaking, you shouldn't get involved in a discussion or argument between your MiL and her son unless invited. But if your MiL is being abusive, if it's something he's expressed a need for support in, if it actually does involve you, and maybe some other reasons too, then you should get involved.

And, really, I don't think you should be taking what your MiL says as the measure of your actions. What does your DH think about you getting involved?

Not enough information, OP.

If you butted in on a conversation between your husband and his mother, then you were potentially rude and she was potentially within her rights to tell you so.

But who knows, unless you tell us more specifically?

I understand that the MIL told off the children, and possibly the DH, and the OP intervened, but she says he intervene was ‘to restore a happy state of mind in my husband’, which makes him sound far more of a victim of whatever altercation went on than the children…?

It seems fairly clear to me that both OP and her DH weren't happy with how MIL was disciplining or managing the behaviour of their DC. DH expressed his dissatisfaction and OP supported him in this and was told to keep out of it.
Wholly inappropriate of MIL unless there's more to the story than is being told.
However, or equal importance is that she learns to respect your wishes in terms of caring for DC and that if she can't then her contact should be more limited.

Your MIL is a bitch. Cut her loose.
Jumping the gun a little isn't it? We dont know if there was an argument with mil and dh or she gave out to the kids?!

Were you at your home or MILs or elsewhere?

Tell us what happened rather than trying to be a grammar genius and perhaps we can help/empathise.

Your OP reads like total gibberish. Impossible to form an opinion with zero relevant information.

This has gone through google translate hasn't it?

OP it sounds like you were trying to get everyone to lighten up a bit after MIL annoyed DH by telling the kids off and she told you to shut up and know your place?

If so YANBU, you're a family member and they're your kids.

Right, so what's happened?

You write like a pretentious sixth former. It's really unhelpful, especially to you as you have been so deliberately convoluted that you're not actually saying anything meaningful.

This reminds me of desperately trying to meet the minimum word limit for my UG assignments. Pointless waffle!

Re read it 3 times
One must tell her to go forth and multiply at her earliest convenience thus rendering her unable to berate in ones general direction

@WorraLiberty

I'm sorry but your OP is a bit like a word buffet.

Did anybody not get told off 🤔

Placemarking to find out if English is OPs additional language and all the PPs are gonna burn in hell

@LegArmpits

He wants you to peg him?

Are you saying that your MIL admonished your DH and you stood up for him and were told to butt out?

If so then there's no reason you can;t stand up for him if you believe he was in the right and she was being unfair.

I don't think there are any rules as to what DILs are allowed to say or not say. You can say what you like and she can say what she likes - if she thinks it is none of your business, then she can say so and you can say why you think it is your business.

But it is rather hard to know who if anyone was in the wrong, when you don't say what actually happened.

Here’s what I think I’ve understood:

1. Your MIL told your kids off
2. Your MIL had a go at your husband
3. You got involved
4. Your MIL told you to butt out.

Am i right so far?

@pleasekeeptotheright

This has gone through google translate hasn't it?

OP it sounds like you were trying to get everyone to lighten up a bit after MIL annoyed DH by telling the kids off and she told you to shut up and know your place?

If so YANBU, you're a family member and they're your kids.

I don’t think it’s been translated because ‘resolve… equanimity’ doesn’t make sense and Google Translate is pretty good these days.

To answer your question OP, I wouldn’t intervene in a dispute between my husband and his mother, no.

That is because a) his mother never contradicts her menfolk and b) she nearly always disagrees with me, so my intervention wouldn’t help.