When my MIL says I should be no more than a bystander?

[QueenofLindean]

My intervention, on behalf of my husband, (triggered after our kids had also been on the receiving end of a disproportionate admonishment this morning by MIL) got roundly rebuffed in this way. Making the point that I should be no more than a 'bystander' in a discussion - which had centred on trying to help restore a happy state of mind in my husband - really cut me to the quick - and probably not least as this was the only time in 17 years I have expressed a difference of opinion to my MIL. I was essentially told to butt out when trying to resolve everyone's equanimity. To get perspective, keen to get a sense of the general standing of the role /resps of a daughter in law in other family dynamics? Are you given equal pegging? Feel so churned up that my voice was dismissed by a woman who purports to be all for the sisterhood...

Hmm, it sounds as if mother-in-law did not like being criticized by her son, and didn't like further being criticized by you. And that you did not like her criticizing your children. Which is understandable. But since he already spoke to her, I can understand why she might feel it is a bit of a pile-on for you to add your voice, too. Wouldn't you?

You might want to have a wee look at this site. www.plainenglish.co.uk/

Hi everyone and yes so sorry for any unintended verbosity. I think, I know it's my armour but I will cut to the chase though no idea if this is too much detail as first time on this thread but really keen to get candid feedback on whether being told my role a bystander is appropriate, hence the minutae... It's a good point made by @PaulaTrilloe, we are in the second home /'country cottage' of my MIL. The @hellotoallmyfans comment made me laugh out loud (and vow inwardly to grow a pair.) @MiddlesexGirl yes that's the gist of it. We have driven 500 miles from Essex to Scotland to see MIL for 3 nights. Like so many of us, first 'holiday' away from home in 18 months. Our boys age 14 and 10 get sense of need to go see Granny, family resps etc though not mad about long walks which is what leisure activities here centre on. We obvs also want to try and have a nice relaxing time on our first holiday in quite a while! So this morning MIL goes pretty nuclear to DH about water on bathroom floor, after our 14 year old goes in. I apologise, DS1 is aware, explain yes to MIL not ideal, we can sort pronto but from our point of view, not something we want to criticise DS1 for in that moment. Explain we don't really want to get into the specifics of why (though she could/should be aware of the sensitivies as we have talked over zoom about what a dark isolated lockdown 14 yr old DS1 had...) but tbh, the fact that DS1 IS now up to having a shower every day is a truly monumental step forward from the matted hair I had to cut off in the Spring when he was sooo low his hoody was up 24/7. In short MIL said house was chaotic - yes, it was a bit messy but DH said you can also close the door on their room (for context, we are living out of suitcases on this UK roadtrip of which this. stopover is 1 of 4.
Upshot is MIL doesn't really want her routine disrupting w the boisterousness of grandkids. I get that, especially after 18 months of solo living. But by his own admission, my DH then feels 'on display' having been criticsed for lax parenting. So family game of pitch and putt implodes w DH aware he is then being ''strict' w DS1 (which we have been actively trying to avoid so DS1 does not feel overly criticised given recent mental health challenges ). To summarise, DH lambasted by Mum and son. On return home I say to MIL DS could probably do with a reminder he is loved by others in his family than just me, so could you maybe tell him that/put an arm around the shoulder etc? MIL then says it is insulting to be told how to love your child (which prompted the ensuing bystander / butt out rebuff.) MIL then decides to leave the holiday early despite me practically imploring her to stay and resolve - this gets dismissed sneeringly as 'lets not start playing piano symphony'. I feel such a mug tbh that she ever thought me an equal. That a daughter in law mattered. Do other DILs feel their MILs do rate / treat them on a footing akin to having an actual daughter or have I been naive these last 17 years and drawn the short straw w the MIL, though thankfully not with my DH?

Your post does make sense but needs some more info on the specifics?

OP it’s so easy when tensions are high to focus in on seemingly innocent interactions and they become big problems. I am
Struggling to keep up with who did and said what but I can answer your question about other MIL/DIL relationships.

With my first MIL I was like a daughter and she loved me like a mother. She was a wonderful woman that I loved deeply and we never once crossed words in 10 years. She sadly passed away before I split up with her son.

My current MIL is horrific to me. Not only does she not consider me a member of the family, she talks to me like I’m a member of household staff having had all my duties removed. I’m an irritation in the vision of perfection she has of “her” family. She has no respect for me as the mother of her grandchildren and hates that I don’t worship her. I honestly dgaf what she thinks of me but she has to treat my kids well or she doesn’t get to see them.

You told your MIL that she needed to show her own son that she loved him. After you'd all had a big argument because you don't like to remind your 14yo to wipe the bathroom floor when he's finished. Haha. I think I might have given you short shrift too.

It does sound a bit like a mountain out of a molehill, and with as much kindness as possible: do you talk like this too? MIL might be finding you a bit much?

did you ask your mil to show her own son, ie your DH she loved him or your own son?

I think some MILs treat their DIL like an actual daughter, but then some women aren't very nice to their own daughters so there probably isn't a 'typical' relationship.

In this case I understand why you weren't making a big deal of the water on the floor and wanted MIL to understand that.

I don't understand the bit about MIL getting offended at being told how to show love to ger child, wasn't it your DS you wanted her to show some affection to?

Nope. None the wiser.

On return home I say to MIL DS could probably do with a reminder he is loved by others in his family than just me, so could you maybe tell him that/put an arm around the shoulder etc? MIL then says it is insulting to be told how to love your child (which prompted the ensuing bystander / butt out rebuff.)

I think she has a point, tbh.
No, I would not tell my MiL how she should treat her son (I presume you mean? But even if it is her grandson, I wouldn't do that either).

I can't see where she has said you should be no more than a by stander

I think it sounds like she over reacted in leaving, but I also think - from your description - you were incredibly patronising and rude to her.

@Kite22

👍

What flavour is this word soup please?

Why don't you all drop the criticism of the OP's writing style? It's mean.

Paragraphs are your friend, OP. If I have this right:

You, DH, and kids drove to visit MIL and stayed in a separate house on her property. The house became somewhat cluttered because that's what happens when kids live out of suitcases, and MIL wasn't expecting or prepared for the level of disruption the trip caused. This culminated in her getting angry about DS splashing water on the bathroom floor. You disagreed with her about how much discipline/correction was warranted, because of DS's previous mental health issues. (Not clear whether MIL was aware of that backstory.) DH didn't like feeling judged by MIL for lax parenting, and that made him be stricter with DS than you think is appropriate. You suggested MIL put her arm around DS (or DH?) so he'd know she loved him, and she told you to mind your own business. Do I have that right?

Honestly, OP, this sounds like you making a big deal over nothing. And if it's not nothing, then it's your husband's fault, not MIL's. If your husband corrected DS in a way he knew was inappropriate for the situation because MIL had somehow wounded his ego, that's his failing as a parent, and MIL is only tangentially involved. If he believed his correction of DS was appropriate, then that's a disagreement you two have about a parenting issue, and you need to have an adult conversation about your viewpoints in which MIL isn't mentioned, because this really doesn't have anything to do with her.

I think MIL has absolutely not taken on board the 14 yr old's lockdown depression-type spiral which included loss of spontaneous self care, matted hair etc. OP suggests to MIL that quitr frankly a shower is pretty good thing atm and a rollicking over water splashes not helpful.

MIL gets the hump and flounces off.

OP I say GOOD. Your 14 yr old doesn't need negging, it is counter productive and unkind. Don't bother again, her loss, teenagers are great, if she chooses to not include herself then so be it.

On return home I say to MIL DS could probably do with a reminder he is loved by others in his family than just me, so could you maybe tell him that/put an arm around the shoulder

You actually said that to mil? You realised you accused her of being a cold heartless cow basically?

I did not enjoy this thread.

talk about mountains and molehills.

I have a good and close relationship with my mum.
But occasioanlly when we are all there eg at Christmas, there may be odd words over kids stuff.
We get past it and move on.

I can't see anywhere where she told you you were a bystander. I can see she got upset because you told her how to love ds, which was rude.

What should have happened was that out of ds hearing, you reminded her that ds mental health is fragile, so you and dh are parenting him very carefully at the moment, and please do not tell him off.

If dh told him off harshly, that is nothing to do with MIL, and everything to do with dh and he should be the one making it up to ds

It's perfectly clear what you said, the posters criticising and failing to grasp your writing style are presumably a bit thick.

I think the way you said it to her probably raised her shackles as it would come across as patronising to be told how to love your own child, regardless of the circumstances. She became defensive and retaliated with the bystander comment as she was embarrassed/angry.

I would let it go and wait for things to calm down. Let your DH sort it. It will be awkward for a while but things will be fine in time. Holidays with people outside of your immediate family often throw up these scenarios, perhaps best to avoid in the future!

I certainly don’t think I am like a daughter to my MiL and I don’t expect my children’s spouses to be like children to me. But I’m not sure that is a useful way of looking at it. I don’t think that’s why she shut you down.

What you have described is a family holiday with a woman who does not have the same approach to parenting and displaying love as you & your DH and who, it would seem, feels on the defensive (I would say unreasonably) by you not deferring to her and her way in her home.

She told you to but-out not because you are a DiL but because you weren’t backing her up. She felt you were criticising her when it’s her house and she’s the matriarch and so it’s not your place to do that. She had a go at her own son and if you’d actually been her own daughter she’d still have had a go at you too, she’d just have used different words.