When my MIL says I should be no more than a bystander?

[QueenofLindean]

My intervention, on behalf of my husband, (triggered after our kids had also been on the receiving end of a disproportionate admonishment this morning by MIL) got roundly rebuffed in this way. Making the point that I should be no more than a 'bystander' in a discussion - which had centred on trying to help restore a happy state of mind in my husband - really cut me to the quick - and probably not least as this was the only time in 17 years I have expressed a difference of opinion to my MIL. I was essentially told to butt out when trying to resolve everyone's equanimity. To get perspective, keen to get a sense of the general standing of the role /resps of a daughter in law in other family dynamics? Are you given equal pegging? Feel so churned up that my voice was dismissed by a woman who purports to be all for the sisterhood...

Those are certainly all the words there OP!

Are you a journo? This sounds like it could become a "WOMAN GETS ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH RUDE MOTHER IN LAW" on the Daily Fail's clusterfuck of a website.

If you are real, apologies.

Equal billing (same status)
Level pegging (keeping up with each other in a race)

What happened?

Christ on a bike! Please re-write that in comprehensible English. Were you drinking when you wrote that?

Some awful people in here. Why do you feel the need to comment just to criticise OP’s writing? English is not my first language and I understood perfectly well. If the style bothers you scroll the fuck down

Well said @Nichebitch - here's a poster looking for support and all she's got from many is a sneery pile on.

@Nichebitch

Some awful people in here. Why do you feel the need to comment just to criticise OP’s writing? English is not my first language and I understood perfectly well. If the style bothers you scroll the fuck down

It was verbose but completely lacked context. Without that none of us can help.

WorraLiberty

I'm sorry but your OP is a bit like a word buffet.

Que?

@SnarkyBag

Blimey can you rewrite that in standard English please! Reminds me of that episode of Friends when Joey writes a adoption reference and uses the thesaurus to change every word to sound smarter 🤣

I snorted at this

@Nichebitch

Some awful people in here. Why do you feel the need to comment just to criticise OP’s writing? English is not my first language and I understood perfectly well. If the style bothers you scroll the fuck down

Then maybe you can be the translator and tell us what is going on.

@WeAreTheHeroes

Well said *@Nichebitch* - here's a poster looking for support and all she's got from many is a sneery pile on.

Oh give over! How can we give support when we cannot even decipher what she said?

the OP is written in perfectly clear and comprehensible language, albeit clearly at a higher literacy level than many of those making snide comments. Several PP have made good rewritings at what is probably the normal mode of speech for many. If you can't or won't understand, just move on.
I think you are justified in being shocked at the attitude of your MIL. The idea that a discussion between her and your DH about her treatment of your joint children is nothing to do with you, is just laughable.

Agreed, maybe it's because we would really like to help but have a very loose grasp on the situation because the wording is so flowery it prevents us from being able to do that?

@pog100

the OP is written in perfectly clear and comprehensible language, albeit clearly at a higher literacy level than many of those making snide comments. Several PP have made good rewritings at what is probably the normal mode of speech for many. If you can't or won't understand, just move on. I think you are justified in being shocked at the attitude of your MIL. The idea that a discussion between her and your DH about her treatment of your joint children is nothing to do with you, is just laughable.

I disagree. It is not comprehensible.

@pog100

the OP is written in perfectly clear and comprehensible language, albeit clearly at a higher literacy level than many of those making snide comments. Several PP have made good rewritings at what is probably the normal mode of speech for many. If you can't or won't understand, just move on. I think you are justified in being shocked at the attitude of your MIL. The idea that a discussion between her and your DH about her treatment of your joint children is nothing to do with you, is just laughable.

No, many of us have excellent English skills and backgrounds in English literature. There is nothing 'perfectly clear' or 'comprehensible' about her post. Using big words does not make for higher literacy, especially if you do not understand how to use those words in literary context. Her post is a big word salad with no context.

Someone swallowed a thesaurus and wants everyone else to know about it 🙄

"I’m not sure what people are confused about.

MIL upset your kids, DH was angry, you told MIL she’d fucked up and she told you you don’t count/don’t get a say?"

I understood what you said perfectly.

I would say that no one likes someone else, family member or not, to step into a row you're having with someone. I guess she loves her son so she probably thought you didn't need to step in to protect him. TBH, I think when people do that, it just prolongs everything anyway. Presumably your husband is quite capable of standing up for himself, and if he isnt, he has children, so it's time he learned. Ultimately, your husband will forgive his mother and you will be the one left on the outs. I bet she's the same if any family member stepped in but, understandably, you took it personally because you are in-law family.

Oh and when anyone is in full sail, they are not always reasonable when someone interrupts them. It might not be fair, but it is life. You might find things are back to normal next time you see her and she doesn't even know there's a problem.

@QueenofLindean
So, I'm reading that your MIL had a go at your DH and your DC and when you tried to speak up for them you were told to 'pipe down' by your MIL. If that isn't the case then ignore what I'm about to say.
In any core family there are parents and children. Two generations. As the children grow they learn from their parents and then either surpass or usurp them. It's the way of the world. In the middle is turmoil and hurt. It's hard as an adult to realise that your kids not only no longer value your opinion, but think you are a bit of an arse, and later that you are a liability or problem to be managed.
Limit contact for a while but be at pains to make the contact relentlessly positive to the point of 'happy clappiness'. They will see you are trying and calm down.
That will chill out.
Do not be tempted to take it forward on their terms: thAt way madness lies....and potentially years of their disappointment and your misplaced guilt. Good luck!

@Nichebitch

Some awful people in here. Why do you feel the need to comment just to criticise OP’s writing? English is not my first language and I understood perfectly well. If the style bothers you scroll the fuck down

People for the first hour or so, were letting the OP know that nobody could help / give advice as what she had written didn't explain what the issue was.

If you ask for help / advice / support, it isn't unreasonable for people to expect you to come back to the thread quite soon after you have posted, and check the responses, and then maybe respond by clarifying, in this case.

However, if you know what is going on, then perhaps you could share with everyone who does not?

So glad I'm the only one who didn't understand the OP.

@SamiReed1 exactly!

We’ve got PP competitively trying to claim understanding of the OP but at best they’re guessing.

not* ffs